Thursday, March 27, 2008

DEATH WARMED OVER

or, my life…spent.

That last revolution left me dazed. The same scenery flashed and repeated in an orbital rhythm. My environment moved too quickly for me to identify solid form and everything around me slurred into a meander. Each day turned from brief respite into swift departure. I felt my gut at my feet and my head in a fog.

Towards the end, I heeled my words into the ground in a desperate attempt to persuade the fucking thing to stop. I hung on. My knees were raw from fighting the spin and the tops of my shoes were caked with the filth that surrounded my craft. Finally, I let go.

I was spun out, stopped; a playground massacre.

What a sight, covered in dust and dirt, sweat and blood. But, I was not alone. I managed to attract quite a malignant clutch. And while I lay there, words were unwound and lifted from their purpose by nasty little hands and then, repeatedly passed along, shoved into pockets, and spent on cheap ice cream concessions.

Now, after a few months in circulation, it is impossible to determine that they are counterfeit. They all spend the same, right?

I wrote that a while ago. It feels different to me now. Different, but still...relevant. Well, I am off.









p.s. I am at a distance; you are in proximity…but here, we maintain satellite and If you sspirit through here, “Thank you.”

4,189 comments:

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sdock10 said...

What if HE doesn't even know what's going on in his head? Fuck knows, I don't understand mine most of the time.

Anonymous said...

I don't presume to know what Gerard needs anon, but sometimes people can't help but worry. I still hope someone will reach him, if there's anything in there to be reached, still.

MJ, I agree with you on that also, as usual.

sdock10 said...

People like us? We are exactly the kind of people I would want worrying about me that's for sure.

*speaking only for myself again

Anonymous said...

He actually resents the 'mindless' fans.

Anonymous said...

Well, this world will go to shit once we all stop fucking worrying about other humans.

sdock10 said...

Mustard,

So true.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking that too, Solly.

And Splash, you're too right.

Anon, if he resents them, then why the hell does he do everything lately to attract them, and to send away the ones who actually do some thinking? This leaves me confused.

Anonymous said...

DAMN I'm good.

^_^

So you have an opinion, I'm kinda surprised.

Anonymous said...

Err I mean, you have an opinion on the subject. Obviously you have opinions in general.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Anon GW doesn't have to listen to us if he doesn't want to. In fact that is what he seems to be doing. But as someone who believed in what was coming out his mouth, I need to say these things. You don't like them either that is find.


But don't come in here telling me who I should and shouldn't worry about. Maybe this world would be a much better place if people took thirty seconds out of their own lives to think about someone else problems or feelings.

resurrected wreck said...

You just can't win, Sdock!

If I were here a few minutes earlier, first-on-the-page anon, I would have so beaten your ass!

Anonymous said...

So you have an opinion, I'm kinda surprised.

I'm not. ;)

Seems we all have one on this one.

Smoke said...

BLURBY!

Hey errbody. I'm all nice and clean, now. ^_^

Anonymous said...

You know?

Sometimes I wonder if he even has a clue that people he won't ever even meet worry about him.

He's never going to know that.

sdock10 said...

RW,

Take your nekkid toe and bite me.


That makes no kind of sense!

Anonymous said...

Anyone here?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Well I think he should get use to them. Because it's looking as if that is all that he will have after a while.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it is frustrating.

And my god, if you (yes you) were that "blurb" anon I swear I'm going to smack you 'round the mush. ;D Stealing like that. Indeed. Because I personally would never do such a thing.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello RW and BC how are you?


BC I saw that you got your gift from me.

Anonymous said...

Stealing like that. Indeed. Because I personally would never do such a thing.

That wasn't funny, ass and stealer of first comment stuff.

;)

sdock10 said...

Would it change anyting if he knew the people were so worried? Would he know how to handle that kind of attention?

I don't know if I would.

I'm guilty of doing things that scream for attention some days. Reckless, terrible things and I know that I have people who worry terribly about me. But it doesn't stop me....because sometimes I just want to make it all go away. Make it stop.

Does that make sense?

resurrected wreck said...

Take your nekkid toe and bite me.

0_0

resurrected wreck said...

Hullo, MJ! :D

Anonymous said...

Would it change anyting if he knew the people were so worried? Would he know how to handle that kind of attention?

No, and probably not.

Or maybe it would be nice to know there are people out there who don't want to fuck him, but actually worry about his mental and physical health.

Anonymous said...

Hello RW and BC!

Anonymous said...

Are all you anons the same here? 3:30, the first-stealer, and 3:33?

Anonymous said...

Fine. They are fickle, they will have forgotten about this band by the time the next record is released.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

SD10 we are all guilty of that.

Anonymous said...

But, some of the ones who believed in them will have walked away. How can that be good?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

I believe about half are fickle and will leave. But the other half are obsessed and won't go.


It is so much easier to be a fan of someone when nothing they do upsets you.

Anonymous said...

But, some of the ones who believed in them will have walked away. How can that be good?

True.

Anonymous said...

3:36, are you saying the MCR fans who are mindless? Or by 'mindless' do you mean MSI? I can't imagine that he would resent them. O_O

Anonymous said...

You will have to wait and see.

Anonymous said...

GAH!

I was going to ask that same question, but Blogger hijacked my comment. >_<

Anonymous said...

martha jones said...

It would just be so nice if he would come out and say that he only wants the mindless people as fans.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, Anon, please to be telling us who you're talking to? There are probably two anons here and we don't even know who we're talking to. In some cases anyway.

Ehhhh...

*waits around the corner*


SO! Muse?

resurrected wreck said...

Hi, Mustard! :D

Sorry, wandered off for a bit.

Anonymous said...

It would just be so nice if he would come out and say that he only wants the mindless people as fans.

Nope, eff that. I can tell you right now that though we're confused about the state of the band, I certainly will not take what's happening with a grain of salt.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I see. THank you. ^_^

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Anon are you saying he will come out and say he doesnt want the mindless fans.

Anonymous said...

To my knowledge, I am the only anon here.

Anonymous said...

What's the worse that could happen?

All of this blows up in our faces or we walk away having learned something about not putting your faith in something.

Right? That's the worse that could happen.

Stop. That is the worst that could ever happen.

Amyranth said...

mustardisbetter said...

Would it change anyting if he knew the people were so worried? Would he know how to handle that kind of attention?

No, and probably not.

Indeed.


Or maybe it would be nice to know there are people out there who don't want to fuck him, but actually worry about his mental and physical health.

... That's a hard one.

A friend of mine is in a band. Not supersuccessful or anything, but he's pretty well known where we come from.

The sexual attention is the main reason why he is in that band. He's 28 years old, with a son by an ex girlfriend of his but that has not changed his demeanor about girls and the attention he receives from them. If anything, it seems to be his goal to nail as many females as completely possible.

The link here, is all the conversations he has with these girls start off with, "I LOVE your song (song here). Who did you write it for? Why? Where do you get your inspiration?...." and so on.

The fans who actually wanna sit down and have a legit chat with a band member are overshadowed by the ones who start the conversation to get the zipper undone.

Also, Aries are chock full of ego and sexual energy. A hard balance to maintain.

-A

resurrected wreck said...

Right? That's the worse that could happen.

Stop. That is the worst that could ever happen.


Or G-Way could pull an Ian Curtis.

Anonymous said...

Or G-Way could pull an Ian Curtis.

Yeah, but we're stopping with walking away from this.

I don't want to think about it.

sdock10 said...

Or one of the best things that can happen from all this is that we learn we realize we can all do better than what we do.

We have to have faith in ourselves first to do the right thing.

To fight the urge to become complacent and keep reaching out to others.

Anonymous said...

mustardisbetter said...

What's the worse that could happen?

All of this blows up in our faces or we walk away having learned something about not putting your faith in something.

Right? That's the worse that could happen.

Stop. That is the worst that could ever happen.


Well, that's where I was a big dummy. I grew up with the 80's bands telling me that if I wasn't hot and blond and huge-chested enough to be a stripper, I wasn't worth much anyway.

When Nirvana came along I was like, Wow, now things are going to change in music. I had never stopped to think that a rock star would actually think of something like, "Hey, women need to be treated with respect."

To his credit, Kurt Cobain never sold out that value. Losing that in music was crushing.

So by and by I more or less tuned out rock music in general. Nothing had come along to inspire me, or to make me believe in change. Not in modern music, anyway. Cynicism is safe.

Then along came MCR when I was 34 and I was dorky enough to go, "Oh wow, now this is going to last. This is meaningful."

You'd think I would have learned my lesson, you know?

resurrected wreck said...

I can't stop myself from thinking about. But I won't talk about it anymore here, today anyway.

Smoke said...

Yes, yes, yes, Sdock.

Anonymous said...

Very true, Sdock.


And build tiny walls so that things can't mean so much to you, you know?

Anonymous said...

Hiya mustard. Hi MJ. Yeah last night I went to your blog and saw the gift. It made me laugh. Thank you :D

Hey everyone else

Anonymous said...

I think about it too, RW. I can't help it. From the outside it looks bad, and I surely remember that feeling. I just don't want to hear about that someday, you know? It's when you least expect it.

God, I hate the "Doomed Rock Star" gloom thing. Much rather just be disgusted with the "hey you bunch of fourteen year olds in the audience, why don't you play with yourselves and lemme hear it."

Anonymous said...

If I were here a few minutes earlier, first-on-the-page anon, I would have so beaten your ass!

_____________________________________

nope

Anonymous said...

I can't stop myself from thinking about. But I won't talk about it anymore here, today anyway.

No, I completely understand. I think about it everytime a song comes on the iPod, every time I'm here, anything connected to them, I end up thinking about it.

It's just that I don't want to ever see it happen.

I scared myself the day Heath Ledger died and Smoke came and told us, and I thought about what I would feel like if I was reading someone else's name there. It was a miserable feeling.

farawaysoclose said...

hello mayo!!
hello SS!
hello family!! how we all doing?? i'm back from my weekend away. just checking in to say hi and what have i missed?? anything big?? and any feedback on the new MCR tour?????

happy belated bd BC!!

Smoke said...

It is scary and sad. I don't like to think about it.

sdock10 said...

And we keep try our best not to forget that everyone is human and makes mistakes. Whether he/she is a rockstar, president, or a clerk in a tax office, we all fuck up. And we are all held accountable in our own way.Might be our own conscious, might be losing our job, might be losing fans...there is accountability there.

Waking up tomorrow and deciding we have the balls enough to fix it and change is a whole other set of issues.

Anonymous said...

well, well, my dear friends...

look at you, waiting for mayo and what happens?

he appeared and you haven´t even recognize him???? bad bad bad ;)

sdock10 said...

conscience...even

Anonymous said...

Yup.

Hopefully it can get changed. Hopefully things will work out. And if not, each of us will have learned something.

Anonymous said...

he appeared and you haven´t even recognize him???? bad bad bad ;)

Nope, we caught him, but once only! :)

Smoke said...

Ummmmm, hello. It was recognized.

resurrected wreck said...

So by and by I more or less tuned out rock music in general. Nothing had come along to inspire me, or to make me believe in change. Not in modern music, anyway. Cynicism is safe.

Then along came MCR when I was 34 and I was dorky enough to go, "Oh wow, now this is going to last. This is meaningful."

You'd think I would have learned my lesson, you know?


I so totally hear you. I stopped listening to most contemporary bands after I grew out of my teens, for the reasons you mentioned. MCR was the first band in YEARS to make me sit up and take notice, both on a musical level and because of their ethical stance. They weren't just talented, they were different. Watching that beautiful dream crumble hits me on a very personal level. It's like Gerard's giving up on himself, and taking the whole band down with him. And it's infuriating because, as a band outsider, there's very little I can do about it.

Anonymous said...

I did that same thing with Heath Ledger, Splash. In fact when I went to collect the dogs from my folks after work that day, I hadn't seen or heard any news and my Mom said, "So, did you hear?" And my stupid pathetic heart just sank.

Waking up tomorrow and deciding we have the balls enough to fix it and change is a whole other set of issues.

Let's, Solly. Starting tomorrow morning, let's pick something we don't like about ourselves and say, "I'm not gonna do that today." Then let's not do it and see how it feels.

I'm not gonna get pissed off at the car in front of me when they go the speed limit.

Okay, that's a tough one for me but it is actually a huge issue in my life.

Would love to say "I'm not gonna look in the mirror and wish I could change my entire face" because that's a long time coming. Maybe someday though.

Anonymous said...

Well, now what?

We all go work on our own shit and stop complaining about someone else's? ;)

That was a joke.

BC:
I hope you had a nice birthday!

Smoke said...

Hey FASC! Did you have fun? ^_^

Anonymous said...

Nope, we caught him, but once only! :)


he´s fast isn´t he?

Anonymous said...

He can't do anything right. He's a screw up; a loser who knows he doesn't deserve the adulation of a fanbase that looks up to him for all the wrong reasons. He wanted to be someone, to make a difference. Is this really all there is?

Anonymous said...

Watching that beautiful dream crumble hits me on a very personal level. It's like Gerard's giving up on himself, and taking the whole band down with him. And it's infuriating because, as a band outsider, there's very little I can do about it.

Yes, yes, yes.

Anonymous said...

RW, that's exactly it. That's the exact feeling; you just described it.

Anon, don't be silly, didn't you see me jump on Mayo as soon as he rounded the corner? Jaysus. Just because we don't get on the loud speaker about it or throw a party in his honor. Honestly.

sdock10 said...

Jules,

That would be awesome if all of us could try that tomorrow. I'm right there with you with the looking in the mirror thing, I can't do that either. Not yet.

But maybe I will work on having more patience or letting a smile come through my voice instead of gritting my teeth in frustration.

Amyranth said...

I don't think Gerard's life is bad enough that'd he'd commit suicide.

He's a lot of things. But the kind of guy who gives up that easily isn't one of them.

If he wanted to die, h could have done so years ago with cocaine. If I recall correctly, he almost did.

But he knows. He knows now. And I do not think for an instant that he will let that mess trip him up again.

-A

Anonymous said...

Ummmmm, hello. It was recognized.

- dude no reason to be unfriendly ;)
I thought it´s all about the love here???

Smoke said...

I would love to just go to work and be thankful that I have a job. Instead of complaining and bitching. Just be thankful.

I need to work on that.

Anonymous said...

No, you see 4:20, (lol) that's where you have it all wrong. This guy was making a difference, and he could have continued to make a difference. He had a way of talking to people that made sense. He had a way of treating people that was kind and respectful enough that they listened to him.

That is, in fact, part of what makes this whole phase so rotten to witness.

Anonymous said...

I did that same thing with Heath Ledger, Splash. In fact when I went to collect the dogs from my folks after work that day, I hadn't seen or heard any news and my Mom said, "So, did you hear?" And my stupid pathetic heart just sank.

No, I know. When I took out his name and put Gerard's in, I got so ill. I said to myself, "This is what it's going to feel like, but it will be so much worse."

Smoke said...

Awwww, I'm sorry! I wasn't trying to be unfriendly! That's just my sarcasm. ^_^

resurrected wreck said...

In your dreams, 4:12pm

Anonymous said...

sdock10 said...

Jules,

That would be awesome if all of us could try that tomorrow. I'm right there with you with the looking in the mirror thing, I can't do that either. Not yet.


Let's just look at each other for a while instead, then. ^_^

sdock10 said...

Anonymous said...
He can't do anything right. He's a screw up; a loser who knows he doesn't deserve the adulation of a fanbase that looks up to him for all the wrong reasons. He wanted to be someone, to make a difference. Is this really all there is?


Only if we sit back and settle. There is so much more out there and so much more to all of us. We just don't bother most of the time trying to find it.

farawaysoclose said...

Hey FASC! Did you have fun? ^_^

lots of fun thanks princess!! lots of great company, great food, ridiculously large quantities of alcohol!!

i'm so fucking tired but all worth it.


MCR was the first band in YEARS to make me sit up and take notice, both on a musical level and because of their ethical stance. They weren't just talented, they were different.

me too RW!!! big time!!

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Because of the way the music industry is here I find myself more and more listening to foreign pop music.


I am a huge anime fan so I hear a lot of the bands song when they are used on the anime shows.


I know nothing about these bands I don't even know what the hell they are saying. And you know what I like it. No PR shit just songs that I heard and happen to like.

Anonymous said...

But he knows. He knows now. And I do not think for an instant that he will let that mess trip him up again.

I sincerely hope so. I really do.

Amyranth said...

He can't do anything right.

Neither can I sometimes.

He's a screw up; a loser who knows he doesn't deserve the adulation of a fanbase that looks up to him for all the wrong reasons.

There's a horrifying feeling that comes with realizing that you're suddenly an idol for millions. He's taking it a day at a time, and it's safe to say he may never be comfortable in that skin. Why should we judge him on it?

He wanted to be someone, to make a difference. Is this really all there is?

Why not? I want to be someone. I want to make a difference someday.

But right now, all I have is the day to day. The work, the housecleaning, the bills, the mortgage.

I may never do something amazing. I may never do something incredible. But it's better to have worked towards it, and tried, than it is to just throw your hands in the air and say "I give up! I can't do this!".

That, the perseverance, is where the strength of any human truly lies.

-A

Martha Smith-Jones said...

OH Shit!!!! I am sorry.


Hello FASC how are you? I got so caught up in my own head drama that I forgot to greet you.


Lets see what else thank you to the anon who had the kind words for. And kapu thank you for your kind words as well.

sdock10 said...

We just have to peel back the layers to get the real stuff underneath. We all build up this tough outer shell...a wall of scar tissue...a fake face...and we get so used to presenting that face to the public every fucking day that we sometimes become numb. We forget about the blood and guts and the human being underneath it all. We're all searching for the same things...love and acceptance. It's hard because we sometimes we can't even tell the difference anymore between the fake shit and the real deal.

resurrected wreck said...

Sorry, I just noticed this and had to share:

The label on my jar of almond butter says 'Warning: may contain traces of nuts."

0_0

Amyranth said...

Hiya MJ!

Smoke, are you watching the race?

-A

resurrected wreck said...

Anon, do you want to arm wrestle over this?

Anonymous said...

Gee, thanks Amy lol

farawaysoclose said...

hi martha!!

you ok??

any recent stuff on the new MCR tour??
and are you going on the 3rd or 4th?? and are you meeting lewis?

Amyranth said...

RW, I bought a Spiderman 3 Kubrick toy and the warning label on the side essentially says:

"WARNING, THIS TOY IS NOT A TOY."

-A

Amyranth said...

SCRAMBLE!

Anonymous said...

It's hard because we sometimes we can't even tell the difference anymore between the fake shit and the real deal.

True, and I have a fear that if it continues too long, I'll have messed myself up. That's scary.

Amyranth said...

Bleeding Chaos said...

Gee, thanks Amy lol


You're welcome?

What did I do?

I'm lost.

-A

Martha Smith-Jones said...

But this isn't about him being a fuck up. Hell I liked the fucked up GW way better. The one who had all these problems but was working them out.


Now all I see is the same old rock shit being thrown at me by someone who is better than that.

Anonymous said...

It has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

What if this is all there is?

An empty vessel, chipped and faded; always searching, always aching, always missing.

Smoke said...

Yeah, Amy. Flipping between that and Rock of Love. O_o

Tony's in 5th!

Jr Anon,

STFU. ^_~

Anonymous said...

Thanks mustard. It was alright. Hi faraway. Why thank you :)

sdock10 said...

Anonymous said...
It has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

What if this is all there is?

An empty vessel, chipped and faded; always searching, always aching, always missing.



Because I have to believe that it's not. Otherwise, I might as well give up now. As long as we are able and alive and we can breath and feel and hear our heartbeat, we can find what it is. Most of the time we are just too busy looking in the wrong fucking place or we're too busy staring at the ground to look up and see it.

Anonymous said...

I got caught up too. Hiya FASC!

4:31, are you Mayo or are you trying to sound like Mayo or what? It gets really confusing in here.

Anyways that's a desperate, sad thought. Don't make me get all Khalil Gibran on your ass, now.

Amyranth said...

Anonymous said...

It has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

What if this is all there is?

An empty vessel, chipped and faded; always searching, always aching, always missing.

It isn't. It never is.

There's more. So much more coming. You have to prepare yourself to go out and find it.

-A

Smoke said...

I just saw a unicorn on tv. O_O

What if this is all there is?

An empty vessel, chipped and faded; always searching, always aching, always missing.


That is sad, Anon. I hope that's not all there is.

Anonymous said...

What if this is all there is?

Anon, this depends wholly on what you mean by "this."

Anonymous said...

What if this is all there is?

An empty vessel, chipped and faded; always searching, always aching, always missing.


I don't know. I ask myself that every freakin' day and convince myself otherwise.

Gerard is who Gerard is, and only he knows that person intimately.

I just don't know.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Fasc I haven't heard from Lewis in a while.


I am going to the 4th. Other than that I am doing better. I had some issue all round me that I needed to work out. And than I got sick.


So life has been giving me a big pile of shit lately. Maybe I can use it to make a garden or something.

sdock10 said...

Don't let my positive outlook today fool you, I struggle with this shit on an hourly basis. All the questions, all the demons, all the shit that fills my fucked up head...there are times when I am so close to the edge, I can feel the ground crumble beneath my feet. But something always pulls me back....hope.

resurrected wreck said...

"WARNING, THIS TOY IS NOT A TOY."

0_0

Amyranth said...

HAHA! GO JUNIOR.

-A

Anonymous said...

As long as we are able and alive and we can breath and feel and hear our heartbeat, we can find what it is.

Ever thought about what would happen if we don't find whatever it is we're searching for?


--------------------
I'm finding it hard to know who or what we're talking about.

Smoke said...

Those are fighting words, Amy. Prepare to be smacked. >_<

Anonymous said...

You are good people.

Amyranth said...

Serious, RW.

Basically it says "Don't play with it, don't touch it. Not meant for people under 14, or over 30. This toy has small parts, you idiot, don't put them in your mouth. This toy could fall apart and it's not our fault, don't sue. This toy isn't even really meant to come out of the package, but we know you'll do that so please don't call us bitching if it breaks. Also, this toy, is not a toy."

-A

Bellatrix said...

Hello guys!

And hello Mayo, if you're lurking!


So, how've you been?

Anonymous said...

Are we the person We think we are or the person Others think we are?

Amyranth said...

Anon, we try our best.

Maybe not always collectively, but y'know. We're not all 5 star all day long.


-A

resurrected wreck said...

Now all I see is the same old rock shit being thrown at me by someone who is better than that.

Exactly. And that's one of the reasons I'm so critical of him over all the nonsense that's been happening lately, because I know he's a better man than this.

Anonymous said...

nope

sdock10 said...

mustardisbetter said...

Gerard is who Gerard is, and only he knows that person intimately.



But what he doesn't really know himself. What if he's never bothered to dig that deep?

What if it scared him when he looked too closely?

What if he doesn't think people will like the real him?

What if it's easier to play along than to reveal the reality?

Amyranth said...

Oyamton,

I am the person I think I am.

I don't want to be who other people think I am.

-A

sdock10 said...

oyamton said...
Are we the person We think we are or the person Others think we are?



50/50 split, right? Or sometimes 90/10....I like to go with 70/30 myself.

Anonymous said...

4:31, lemme elaborate.

There’s a fine line, isn’t there, between contentment and complacency. This all depends on whether you are the kind of person who says, “I don’t have to do anything but stand on the earth as it goes around, and use up resources till I die.” Or maybe you’re the type of person who says, “This is a great ride. A lot of things are totally screwed, but maybe I can make those things better, or at the very least not make them worse. That’s the best I can do and I have to be happy with that.”

Or are you the type of person who, no matter what you do, you think it’s not enough? Or do you give up?

When you say “what if this is all there is,” it’s those choices that make me wonder what your this is.

The question is: What do you want it to be?

Amyranth said...

oyam said...

nope

You are neither?

-A

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 4:41-

Thank you.

My mind tells me that just being a good person isn't good enough. People want more from you, or the cast you in an unfavorable light that will make you question your fucking existence.


Are we the person We think we are or the person Others think we are?

50/50, because I'm chicken-shit and can't admit to either.


Hello, Bella!

resurrected wreck said...

What if this is all there is?

An empty vessel, chipped and faded; always searching, always aching, always missing.


The only way for that to possibly is if you believe that's all there is.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello Bella How are you today?



We are both the person we think we are and the person others think we are. The problems is being able to see yourself the way others do. If most people around us see everything good we have to offer we only see the bad. And if they see bad we see good.

Anonymous said...

But what he doesn't really know himself. What if he's never bothered to dig that deep?

What if it scared him when he looked too closely?

What if he doesn't think people will like the real him?

What if it's easier to play along than to reveal the reality?


I know. You're talking to the other you here. :)

Smoke said...

I'd like to think I am who I want to be and not what others want but I know that's a lie.

At least part of the time.

Anonymous said...

Hi smokie. Ha ha, you guys need to stop making RW's expression do this O_O alot lol

Hi RW *squeeze*


Anonymous said...
It has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

What if this is all there is?

An empty vessel, chipped and faded; always searching, always aching, always missing.

March 30, 2008 4:31 PM

------------------------------------------------------


Anon, there is something much better out there than what you're looking for. The thing is, you have to keep on trying and keep on fighting day by day in order to reach and find whatever it is you're looking for.

And if you believe that that is all that is there, then what kind of life are you living just by giving up entirely and not even trying hard enough? You have to keep on trying, otherwise you'll feel incomplete or unsastified and you will never find the last piece of the puzzle.

Anonymous said...

Anon, there is something much better out there than what you're looking for.



How do you know what they are looking for, and how can you even judge what they are looking for by saying that you know there is something better than it?

farawaysoclose said...

hi bella!

martha i hope you get a chance to meet up. and i hope things are now on the up up up with you!!

hello everyone else, i was having a wander!!

Are we the person We think we are or the person Others think we are?

well i'm definitely not the person others think i am. but i fake it so well they will never know!!

Anonymous said...

Ciao Bella. How are you? *hugs*

Why, thank you anon 4:41

Bellatrix said...

"Are we the person We think we are or the person Others think we are?"

Anon, I believe in what a great author used to say: we all wear a mask and we can easily change into what the others want us to be.

The day we lose it,nobody will recognize us.

Anonymous said...

Anon, 4:49

Because there has to. Otherwise, why continue to keep on searching?

Anonymous said...

well i'm definitely not the person others think i am. but i fake it so well they will never know!!

And I wave my hand side to side as if to say "Eh, so-so."

That way they'll have nothing to feed off of and you can continue on.

resurrected wreck said...

Hullo, BC! *squeeze!* :)

Bellatrix said...

Hello faraway, BC, and martha!

I'm fine, thanks guys for asking! :)

Anonymous said...

The day we lose it,nobody will recognize us.

And it's so scary to come to grips with that.

Then it will be like starting all over.

Anonymous said...

Bleeding Chaos said...

Anon, 4:49

Because there has to. Otherwise, why continue to keep on searching?




You don't even know what it is that they are searching for and already you are telling them that there's something better than what they are searching for. What if what they are searching for is good enough for them, good enough to make them feel happy? Who are you to judge if there is something "better"??

Anonymous said...

'This' is not the way I imagined it to be.

I am an asshole.

I apoogize.

Anonymous said...

'This' is not the way I imagined it to be.

I am an asshole.

I apologize.

Amyranth said...

Bella, I keep meaning to ask you, do you have any good recipes?

-A

Anonymous said...

Bellatrix said...

Anon, I believe in what a great author used to say: we all wear a mask and we can easily change into what the others want us to be.

The day we lose it,nobody will recognize us.


Too right.

And also this: "Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth."

It's so much easier to let it all out as someone else, as a character, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

'This' is not the way I imagined it to be.

I am an asshole.

I apologize.



Can you change it?

sdock10 said...

Anonymous said...
'This' is not the way I imagined it to be.

I am an asshole.

I apologize.



Rarely, does anything turn out the way we imagine it to be...good or bad. The most fucked up shit can turn into the most beautiful amazing gift.

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:49

Look, I'm too tired to get into a pissing match with you. I'm only expressing my output. I'm not trying to judge.

Anon 4:53

No, you're not.

Anonymous said...

Why are you apologizing, and to whom?

If "this" is not what you imagined (and I'm still not clear on your "this" but maybe it's personal,) then I guess the only reasonable thing to do is make a change.

Easier said than done if your "this" is like a huge life decision or something, I guess.

Anonymous said...

Bleeding Chaos said...

Anon 4:49

Look, I'm too tired to get into a pissing match with you. I'm only expressing my output. I'm not trying to judge.




Telling someone that what they are searching for isn't good enough IS judging though. It's not a pissing match it's just the truth.

sdock10 said...

My "This" is not the way I imagined it either, but I do my best to make the most of it and I haven't completely give up getting out of the hole I have dug for myself.

I can still see the light and there are a bunch of hands waving to me from above.

Anonymous said...

Forget it anon. She is expressing her output again. Whatever the fuck that means.

Anonymous said...

Anon, we all are assholes sometimes. I'm pretty sure you are loved by many for who you are. The good and the bad.

Anonymous said...

It'll happen, Solly. I mean, you'll make it happen. I know that you will.

Bellatrix said...

That's true, mustard.

It's scary because deciding to be really yourself means you choose to face the world without your usual shell, and show the world who you really are.
Being what everyone around you expect you to be is easier.

Hi, by the way! ;P

Anonymous said...

Just like Fimble's story, you know?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bleeding Chaos said...

Anon, 4:49

Because there has to. Otherwise, why continue to keep on searching?




You don't even know what it is that they are searching for and already you are telling them that there's something better than what they are searching for. What if what they are searching for is good enough for them, good enough to make them feel happy? Who are you to judge if there is something "better"??

March 30, 2008 4:53 PM


Because there is always something better out there. If you keep looking.


If the person is happy with what they had found than they wouldn't still question if there is something better.

Anonymous said...

This is what happens when BC tries to join in conversations she doesn't understand.

Anonymous said...

I haven't reached my 'this' yet. But I'll be damned if anyone stands in my way of getting there. And honestly, if it doesn't turn out the way I imagined it would, I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.



I can still see the light and there are a bunch of hands waving to me from above.

This needs to be drawn or painted or something. I can see this in my head, and it's beautiful.

Anonymous said...

"We must like what we have when we don't have what we like."

Anonymous said...

First Anon 4:58

Shut up.

Anonymous said...

If the person is happy with what they had found than they wouldn't still question if there is something better.



No Martha Jones, BC said that there was something better than what they were ALREADY searching for. That is judging their hopes and dreams and saying that they weren't good enough.

sdock10 said...

In my real life and job dealing with the public, I can be a real bitch...distant, cold, standoffish, a know it all...but that's easier than being nice, exposed and vulnerable. It's safer that way...don't put yourself out there and people don't expect much from you. You don't have to face your fears that way.


Fucked up way of looking at things? Yes, it is.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

"We must like what we have when we don't have what we like."


I disagree with this, too. It's like "If you cant' be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

I answer that with an even better lyric:

Tell me just how dangerous is second best?

Anonymous said...

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

Bellatrix said...

"Bella, I keep meaning to ask you, do you have any good recipes?"

Of course, Amy! Are you looking for something in particular?


Kapu, I believe you might know this author I'm talking about. His name was Pirandello.He's my favourite writer.

Anonymous said...

"We must like what we have when we don't have what we like."

But, even when we feel like giving up on what it is we'd like, we can't.

Because you never know what's waiting for you around the next corner.

Anonymous said...

5:02, goes both ways

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

'This' is not the way I imagined it to be.

I am an asshole.

I apologize.

March 30, 2008 4:53 PM


You can say your sorry all you want. but it will mean nothing if you don't change what makes you an asshole or will you just say you are sorry when it happens again.

sdock10 said...

Anonymous said...
"We must like what we have when we don't have what we like."


Or we're too scared to try and find something different or better. If you've never really tried anything else, like me, then you really don't know. You continue to settle...because it's comfortable, safe, and familiar to you.


*speaking only for Sdock10 and her other 32 personalities, not anyone else.

Anonymous said...

Tell me just how dangerous is second best?


Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

Amyranth said...

Let's just love everyone, shall we?

Anon, I said the same thing. If you feel you've got nothing, keep searching for something better.

Unless you're talking about your own faults and shortcomings?

I have to run and do dishes to start supper, I'll be back in a bit.

-A

resurrected wreck said...

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

I've always thought that advice was dubious at best.

Anonymous said...

It's safer that way...don't put yourself out there and people don't expect much from you. You don't have to face your fears that way.

Queen of playing it safe right here! *waves*

Fucked over a really good friendship, too by doing that. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Anonymous said...

First anon at 5:00

I disagree. Whole-heartedly.

Amyranth said...

Bella, anything different. It seems like we're having the same old stuff around here, but we both like Italian cooking.

I've got some recipes that I want to try but I'm curious about what you think tastes great.

-A

Bellatrix said...

"We must like what we have when we don't have what we like"

I disagree. Maybe that's what we do because, again,we're afraid of the unknown, but it's just so wrong...

Anonymous said...

5:03 said goes both ways:)

Anonymous said...

Oh snap, anon quoted just what I was going to say!

Anonymous said...

5:02, goes both ways


See, now that's how rumors get started. ;D

Kidding.

Anonymous said...

Okay, some anon and I are on the same wavelength here.

Anonymous said...

I mean second anon at 5:00

Blogger ate my comment. Again.

Anonymous said...

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

i've tried that.
it doesn't work.

Anonymous said...

It seemed pretty different then

Anonymous said...

I didn't get to say hello yet. Hiya Amy, various anons.

Smoke said...

"We must like what we have when we don't have what we like"

Ummm, no. Tried it, doesn't work. Only creates resentment. That goes for work, relationships, etc.

If what you have doesn't make you happy, you can't make yourself be happy. You can pretend but only for so long. I can't anyway.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If the person is happy with what they had found than they wouldn't still question if there is something better.



No Martha Jones, BC said that there was something better than what they were ALREADY searching for. That is judging their hopes and dreams and saying that they weren't good enough.

March 30, 2008 5:00 PM


And I said that there is always something better. You just haven't found it yet. And that is not judging. Judging is telling the person what you have is shit and you should find something better.


If what you have isn't making you happen than that means you want something better. If you are willing to look and not just settle you will find it.

Anonymous said...

Smokie, exactly. That's why I'm never going to settle. It won't be fair to the other person.

farawaysoclose said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Are you all waiting to make the first comment on the next page?

Anonymous said...

blurb

Smoke said...

Ha! Gonna be me!

Anonymous said...

Nope, go for it anon!

Anonymous said...

blurb

resurrected wreck said...

Mine

Anonymous said...

Because it's going to be me if you don't come back.

Smoke said...

RW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

resurrected wreck said...

Don't mess with a pro, anon.

Bellatrix said...

Amy,there are a lot of great Italian recipes.

For example, if you like pasta there's nothing better than the recipes from Rome to me,while you have definitely to try the desserts from Naples or Sicily.They're the best!

I could post a complete menu tomorrow, if you want me to! ;)

Anonymous said...

Martha you are not understanding and neither is BC. BC said that what the anon was SEARCHING FOR was not enough. If they were searching it means they were SEARCHING. Now who are either of you to judge what that person desires and say that it is "not enough"??

sdock10 said...

Me?

Anonymous said...

damn.

Anonymous said...

Damn you RW!! ;p

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