Sunday, May 11, 2008

Investment.

Upon arrival, there isn’t nearly enough air to fill my lungs, so in desperation, I scream. Pulling in all that I can because suddenly I feel empty. The comfortable heavy warmth in my chest has been displaced by vacuum. I have no control over where I am. My arms and legs, unbound, find freedom a challenge. And, although I feel hands pulling and fingers pressing, I have no idea why. It is cold. So, I reach for warmth and I find it in purity. I know where I came from; I did not want to leave and with grief comes depth and in the deep I find surrender. It was warm and I swam in it before I knew you. I would go back, but that was before I saw your eyes, before I was pulled into this world and onto your lap a sloppy mess. I need you and without you I am sure I would not thrive.







p.s. i can only imagine.

3,954 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Awww. That's creepy but very sweet. Nice, Mayo.

Sorry, I was lurking. It's good to read you.

resurrected wreck said...

Sounds like an unhealthy dependence to me.

Anonymous said...

Err, and it's good you can only imagine because if you remembered, well yeah. Anyway thanks for the new post, I bet Mummy K likes this one. And to think, I just took her to a concert and gave her a card. ;)

Amyranth said...

Is this..

Mayo, is this about your birth?

-A

resurrected wreck said...

Ah. This is about mothers, is it? Apologies, I misread.

Anonymous said...

Also I hope you did get her a card. ;D

Okay I'll leave ya alone now.

Carrie said...

nice Mother's Day post, although you were a little late!

Vivienne said...

Fabulous post Mayo, I hope you're well sweetie.

Amyranth said...

*covers a smirk with her hands*

Happy Mothers Day, Mayo's Mom!

-A

Anonymous said...

This, I believe, is Mayo's tribute to his mother. A very vivid one as well.

Mayo, I'm sure she will love and appreciate your words as much as she does you.

Happy Mother's Day, Momma Mayo!

Carrie said...

And thanks for posting again, I was beginning to wonder, and I'm sure Entropy would want me to tell you hi, so hi from Entropy from her hell hole.

Carrie said...

That's kinda funny, I guess I haven't thought of Mayo having a Mom before. I guess I was going with the whole sprung from the head Greek God thing.

Amyranth said...

I guess I was going with the whole sprung from the head Greek God thing.

Hera did that with Hephaestus, didn't she?

I mean, I know about Zeus doing that with Athena.

-A

Fimble Star said...

goodnight jules, rw, carrie, cupcake, amy and gf and any lurkers. sweet dreams.


ss - goodnight mate. miss you and i hope you're having a ball.

see you tomorrow my friends.

Anonymous said...

Do you just not talk to us anymore, Mayo? Honestly, you don't have to answer me, but do say hello to someone who's around. Yeah?

Anonymous said...

G'night Fim. :)

resurrected wreck said...

Night, Fimmy :) Sweet dreams!

Amyranth said...

Goodnight Fimble!

-A

Carrie said...

Night Fim!

Vivienne said...

Hi and bye Fimble! :)

Anonymous said...

birth is an incredible thing, being able to give life is incredible

Carrie said...

Amy, you remember more than me, I couldn't give you particulars. :)

Carrie said...

It is pretty awe inspiring, or maybe just *weird.*

Anonymous said...

Mayo gave birth

resurrected wreck said...

I'll take your word for it, anon @ 12:20am.

Carrie said...

I wonder if Mayo made his mom upchuck for months on end?

Mayonaise said...

Hello.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Happy mother's day mayo's mom

Carrie said...

Or if she has a drawer filled with crayon scrawled cards declaring his love?

elena said...

Thank you Mayo


That is a wonderful Mother's Day post.

Now make sure your mama sees it.

Carrie said...

Hey Mayo. Did you make your mom cards?

resurrected wreck said...

Happy Mother's Day to all the mums in here.

sally said...

Hello everyone!

Amy, I'm unsure, but if it was or is your birthday, Happy Birthday.

Mr Mayo, always the cryptic devil. So...till? Till what?...hell freezes over ^_~

Martha Smith-Jones said...

hello mayo

Anonymous said...

Hello Mayonaise, it's good to see you here. Are you well?

resurrected wreck said...

Hello, Elune :)

Mayonaise said...

I will pass on the Mother's Day wishes to "Mama Mayo."

Happy Mother's Day to all of the lovely Mom's here as well.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello elune

Amyranth said...

Carrie, I read a lot of Greek Mythology actually.

They were a pretty screwy bunch.

-A

elena said...

Hello Mayo

Nice to see you in blue.


Hope you are well.

Vivienne said...

Hello Mayo, nice to see you.

Hi Elune :) it's been a while!

Anonymous said...

Coward

Carrie said...

Thanks Mayo. And yeah, Amy mythology is pretty dang interesting. Kinda like a soap opera.

elena said...

Thank you for the Mother's Day greeting.

Two of my three daughters actually remembered it was Mother's Day.

Anonymous said...

It's said that you can tell the merit of a man by the way he treats his mother. I firmly believe this to be true. If he treats his mother well, he will treat his girlfriend/wife the same.

Amyranth said...

Thank you Elune!

How are you doing this evening?

Mayo, you as well. I trust you've been well?

-A

resurrected wreck said...

"Coward", eh? That's rich coming from someone hiding behind an anonymous tag.

sally said...

Hey RW :D *waves to everyone*

If Mayo gave birth anon, it's either a medical miracle or, it brings a new meaning to the word "female".

resurrected wreck said...

What happened to the third, Elena??

Amyranth said...

Elena, I called my mother to wish her a Happy Mothers Day, and she's been gone out all day!

I hope she's home tomorrow to get her flowers. :P

-A

Anonymous said...

Thank you for putting her in her place AGAIN Mayo maybe this time..... the hint will be taken

Anonymous said...

awww...if you say so!

elena said...

Oh the third daughter..

My flighty child and I say that with love. It just skipped her mind.

Amyranth said...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for putting her in her place AGAIN Mayo maybe this time..... the hint will be taken

I gave you a BIG hint earlier, and you clearly didn't get it.

STEP OFF.

-A

resurrected wreck said...

Ah well, it happens, Elena. Did she feel silly once she remembered?

Anonymous said...

Not talking to Elena Amyranth!!!

Carrie said...

the best gift I got today was from Annie. She saw a yard sale on our way home Friday. She went upstairs, got some of her own money, and went over there in secret and got me a heart shaped candle for a nickel.

soulconnector said...

Hello everyone and my best to you.

Happy Mothers's Day to all Mothers.

mayonaise,
Yes, you have no idea what transpires, however what a tribute!

love to you
`sc

Anonymous said...

mind yo bizzness beyoootch

PJ's in blue said...

Hi everyone!

Mayo,
Nice to see you around, and here's to wishing you would pull up a chair and stay awhile.

I'm off to bed, long day today, i will be here tomorrow off and on.

Till then.

Hugs, kisses,
my heart to yours

PJ

Mayonaise said...

I am wonderful, thanks for asking.

But, I am alarmed by some of the behavior I have been reading.

Anonymous said...

well, that's fine with me!!!!!

Anonymous said...

STEP OFF is so 1985

Carrie said...

Hi and bye PJ, and Mayo, you should be.

Anonymous said...

Do you have a problem with Kapunua, Mayonaise.
Once and for all, please just state it and shut these evil and vindictive anons up.

resurrected wreck said...

I'm constantly surprised, Mayo, by the fact that you've never addressed the anonslaught head on, even when you've been in here while it's happening.

Has it ever occurred that your words might carry someweight even to desperate little low-lifes like them? It's clear that they don't give a flying fuck what we have to say, but they might actually listen to you.

sally said...

Mr Sneaky did drop in at 12:26

Amy, I'm fantastic, thank you for asking ^_^

resurrected wreck said...

Snap, Mayo!

I was wondering when the day would come.

Anonymous said...

Which behaviors in particular, Mayo? Maybe steps can be taken to correct the problem.

resurrected wreck said...

Hi, SC!!! :D

elena said...

RW

No she didn't feel silly at all. She just smiled as her sisters gave me their gifts. Then she gave me a kiss on the cheek. That truly was a wonderful gift. Just having her home today was all I wanted.

ergoproxy said...

hello I'm home from town

lovely post mayo, nice to hear you're well
thanks for putting up my piece about Albert the butterfly

SC!!!!
I have been wondering where you've been , how are you and RB?

elena 2 out of 3 ain't bad?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight pj

resurrected wreck said...

That's cool, Elena :)

I had an early Mother's Day with my mother last week.

Carrie said...

Meatloaf reference! Yay!

resurrected wreck said...

Hi, EP :)

Vivienne said...

Alarmed Mayo?.... I'm not surprised.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello Sc and Ep

ergoproxy said...

oh I just read the extra bit elena, it's so lovely they all were home with you

Anonymous said...

Maybe Mayo doesn't feel he has any weight at all with the "anons" because he is as anonymous as they are...

Vivienne said...

Hi and Bye PJ, damn I keep on missing people!
I seem to have my head in the clouds.

resurrected wreck said...

Someone here lost her livelihood recently because of vicious anon behavior.

That's not only crossing a line, that's crushing the hell out of it.

resurrected wreck said...

Maybe so, anon @ 12:43am. I guess only Mayo himself can answer that.

ergoproxy said...

hi MJ cupcake elena RW elune amyranth carrie and not sure who else is still about

fimble? kapunua?

I bought a very cute liitle pair of black ankle boots today AND got a shop to take $150 off a new stove to replace ours that decided to die on saturday

Amyranth said...

The shitty Anons need to go to hell.

The cool anons get a bad rap, because they don't always start off with a name.

And what sucks is these Shithead Anons seem to think their behaviour is approved by Mayo.

-A

Anonymous said...

Maybe he is a coward who is afraid to make people get fucking pissed off at him so he doesn't say what he thinks is right or wrong either way.......

elena said...

Yep Ergo

It was wonderful having them all here.

soulconnector said...

Hello all

Thank you to Rw, martha and ergoproxy for the acknowlegement. Hope all is well for you? RB is "ok" and goin thru some reality,
`sc

Mayonaise said...

No, I have never considered wasting the little time I have with you, on them.

I believe they know, as well as you, how I feel about hateful and hurtful speech.

And besides, you are all quite capable of taking care of yourselves. That is part of what makes this place so special.

But know this, I would fight for each and every one of you...each and every one.

resurrected wreck said...

"Coward" anon. See my comment @ 12:29am.

resurrected wreck said...

It's great to see you, SC!! :D

Martha Smith-Jones said...

You are welcome SC.


Amy as long as they (nasty anons) are happy I think it matters what anyone tells them.

ergoproxy said...

oh mayo that is lovely, we'd fight for you too I'm sure
(though from a distance in my case)

Vivienne said...

Hello Ergo :D

Carrie said...

yeah, that's sweet and all, Mayo, but hurtful speech and I'm gonna take your job away, are a little bit different, ya know?

elena said...

Mayo I know in my heart you would fight for each and every one of us. I've never doubted that.

I feel the same way about these people and you.

Vivienne said...

Damn Mayo... that is so very sweet of you.
I can't help it, I'm all choked up.

sally said...

Hey Ergo! How have you been.

Albert is a superstar! He,(I assume) certainly adds color to the blog :)

soulconnector said...

mayonaise,

Good to know, thank you.
`sc

Fimble Star said...

you know what, i have just gotten ready for bed and my last catch up before morning and in that short period of time, you all continue to amaze me. what on earth has some people done to you, why so hurtful to others. just leave it please. give it a rest.

i kinda have a different opinion on your last stance mayo, but thats my own opinion. not worth a penny is it, thought so.
final goodnight to my friends. sweet dreams

ergoproxy said...

carrie I know what you mean , but I don't really know what mayo could do, after all anonymous is just that unfortunately

resurrected wreck said...

Thank you for adressing that, Mayo.

Carrie said...

I must thank mah hobo!

resurrected wreck said...

Night, Fim :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much, Mayo. Your words mean a lot to me. Yes, you know me as someone else. But I am never a hurtful anon. Never.

You're a good man, Mayo. Remember that every time someone slams you, ok? I believe in you, and I love you.

ergoproxy said...

good night fimble sweet dreams

lets just hope they will reap what they sow

Carrie said...

Yeah, Ergo, I know. Just expressing frustration. I guess he could all internet glare at them or something.

soulconnector said...

Thank you RW

Sorry for my absence. When I am presented with a difficult situation, I act like some men and retreat to my cave, unable to share my thoughts.

I am working on this.

much love
`sc

Anonymous said...

Ooops, sorry, I was reading porn.

Anyway there's nothing that can be done about it, so no use worrying anymore. What are they going to try next, contacting the Kung Fu school? Yeah, go right ahead, that would be funny as hell. The dance studio? I'm sure they'd be interested to know every little detail.

Here ya go, okay, Julia Argenti of Wading River, at Green Cloud three or four times a week and at Backstage Dance once a week. Go crazy.

Don't worry about it, Mayo, okay, thanks for the new post. It's all good.

'Night everyone!

resurrected wreck said...

I hear what you're saying, Carrie.

resurrected wreck said...

There's always the option to disable anon comments. Would solve the whole thing right there.

Anonymous said...

Fimble, your thoughts and words mean the world to me.

resurrected wreck said...

Ooops, sorry, I was reading porn.

0_0

ergoproxy said...

SC whatever is going on know I think of you, I know you're a very caring person, and retreating sometimes gives you time to process things.

Carrie - oh I can picture that now, an internet glare, would he growl a bit too?
mayo, would you?

soulconnector said...

I will be back, going to enjoy the jacuzzi and relax.

talk later
`sc

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear it Mayonaise.

And I have to go now Lovelies. I have to get up early to catch the bus tomorrow.

But tomorrow night, WE PARTY!

(With Mayo's permission, of course)

Goodnight Lovelies.

Goodnight Mayonaise.

Goodnight SS!

-A is having stupid problems with her stupid computer.

Vivienne said...

Goodnight Kapunua

resurrected wreck said...

Night K & A :)

Anonymous said...

How come you didn't list your job Kapunua!!!!

Vivienne said...

Goodnight Amy :)

elena said...

Night K

I've gotta be going too.

Gonna say goodnight to Mayo then I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

Take are all.

ergoproxy said...

kapunua said ...
Ooops, sorry, I was reading porn.

resurrected wreck said...
0_0


O_O

©RW

Martha Smith-Jones said...

A good friend. Do I know you.

resurrected wreck said...

Thank you, EP :D

Carrie said...

Night K. At least you have a pretty name? And live in a cool sounding place? I don't know, I'm just sorry. And also sorry I keep trying to talk to you, I can't help it.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight kapu and amy

Anonymous said...

Yes. But let's leave it at that, ok?

Vivienne said...

Goodnight Elena.

All I ever seem to say is hello and goodnight.
My conversational skills have really gone down hill.

resurrected wreck said...

Anon @ 1am, you're nothing but a grain of sand in the bottom of K's shoe.

Anonymous said...

GF, most people are inherently good.
apart from a small proportion who really are devoid of any empathy, I truly believe there is more good than bad.

Having said that, nastiness can and does arise through one's own insecurities or power issues.

elena said...

Mayo

An early goodnight for you this evening I’m afraid. I have to get up extra early to take my daughter in for a medical test. I’m sure it’s going to be okay and that I shouldn’t worry but hey, I have to worry. It’s my job. I’m a mom. You know it’s funny I always say I have three jobs but really I have four. Strange I never mention my most important job. The job that started over 18 years ago. The job that changed my life. Yeah, that job is being a mom. And let me tell you it is a job. No vacations, no paid holidays, but there are wonderful bonuses. I wouldn’t give up this job for the world. My daughters are my world even though they don’t know it. They truly have no idea but I smile and think one day when they have children of their own then they’ll get it. Then they’ll know. They are all in their teens so naturally there are lots of conflicts. Suddenly they see me differently. I was the one who bandaged their scrapped knees something they don’t need anymore. Now it’s broken hearts and that’s something I can’t really help with. Wish I could. Wish I could still fix everything for them. It’s so hard when you realize a kiss on the head and a Star Wars Band-Aid won’t do the trick. It’s weird but in a way I feel semi-retired. I’m kinda on the bench now watching the game and remembering when I was the quarterback. Yeah, I still get called in occasionally when I’m needed but with each passing year I’m needed less and less. Still I sit and watch and wait. I’m there if they need me.

Night Mayo

Elena (still ready with the Band-Aids)

resurrected wreck said...

Night, Elena :)

Carrie said...

And goodnight Amy!

Anonymous said...

Kapunua is lying about her name.

resurrected wreck said...

So fucking what?

resurrected wreck said...

Are you saying that you're being truthful about yours, "anonymous"?

Anonymous said...

Kapunua is lying about her name.

------

That bitch, why would she do such a thing, imagine that.

sally said...

Goodnight Elena!

And hold your babies tightly!(I know they are big girls now, but still)

Carrie said...

Night, Elena, I like your quarterback metaphor.

ergoproxy said...

goodnight Kapunua sweet dreams

goodnight Elena sweet dreams too
and love your post, and they'll need you again but it'll be different, it just takes tine for it to adjust

(email me? I'll be around tomorrow))


anon 1:03 very true

resurrected wreck said...

Well, time for me to turn in for the night. I won't say it's been fun, because it hasn't. But it's been real. I guess.

Have a good night everyone!

ergoproxy said...

goodnigth Amy I shall toast you tonight, seeing as it is your birthday here

Carrie said...

Night Rw!

ergoproxy said...

goodnight RW sweet dreams

Vivienne said...

Goodnight RW, sleep tight.
Yeah, it's been real.

sally said...

Anon, give it a rest. Leave Kapunua alone.

Carrie said...

Okay, ladies and (possibly lurking) germ, time for me to shuffle off too. Have a good night!

Vivienne said...

Goodnight Carrie, sleep well.

Anonymous said...

Having said that, nastiness can and does arise through one's own insecurities or power issues.


Well, there's a big difference between "nastiness" (what I call "ugliness")and "evil. "Ugly" and "nasty", to me, result from someone's insecurities, jealousy, fear, etc. "Evil" comes from nothing but wanting to see someone else suffer. And I think Mayo, as well as some others here, has experienced both.

ergoproxy said...

goodnight carrie sweet dreams

gosh everyone is going!

so cupcake . elune have a nice weekend?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight Carrie

Vivienne said...

Well Ergo, I had a good mothers day. My Mother really liked her card/presents, and we spent time together. But then we spend time together every day, so happily it wasn't unusual.

Anonymous said...

Good night everybody, it was nice to shoot the breeze with you tonight.

ergoproxy said...

that's cool cupcake, I had an ok day still recovering but I did watch my Muse DVD twice!

MJ hows your arm today?


good friend goodnight sweet dreams

Anonymous said...

Ah! but why watch someone suffer? Because some are so deeply insecure or have been abused themselves they gain a warped pleasure from it. It makes them regain some power in a truly perverse way. Unless they are true sociopaths, then they lack empathy and do not understand the pain they impose.

And Mayo would not have been the only one. It happens everywhere.

Vivienne said...

Goodnight g.f, sleep well.

I'll be back soon everyone, I need a shower.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight GF

Miss Gee Dynamite. said...

Totally random, but it is my speciality.

Look at this shit I found on myspace. I am highly amused.

http://www.myspace.com/theblackpajamaparty

sally said...

1:26 I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to offend you, but I feel sadness for both parties involved. *shakes head*

And on that note I wish you all a goodnight!

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Lol GG

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight Elune

Vivienne said...

Cupcake is back and she smells like roses and buttermilk.

She is also talking about herself in third person. :P

Elune, goodnight and sleep well!

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello CC

Vivienne said...

MJ!!! hi hun, how are you?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

i am alright

Vivienne said...

Only alright hun? fair enough.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

I have got a headache so I will be off to bed in a little while.


How are you are you doing better.

Vivienne said...

Poor MJ :(
I'm pretty much same old, same old.

toujours said...

a very unique and heartfelt mother's day post, mayo. very evocative, indeed.

i went out to the cloisters today. i'm an amateur medievalist, so being there was like walking through my dreams. i kept meeting familiar faces everywhere, statues and paintings and tapestries i have only seen in books. i was smiling at everything, smiling at all my old friends.

but sitting in the one cloister walk, listening to the medieval music and watching the other visitors was just as delightful. everyone was there with their mohers, almost. it was a gentle may day, the green trees in the cloister garden harmonizing so beautifully with the red stone columns...and everyone a little story played out in front of me.

i could have sat there forever.


elena, it's me, and everyone who had encouraging words for me -- thank you. it's me, you are right, i wasn't looking at my whole world. i had been following a path that was tightly focussed, and making the adjustment to my vision was difficult, and jarring.

it isn't perfect now, but i've got a glimpse of my path again, i've got a thread to follow. i don't know if it's ideal, i don't know if it's perfect, but it feels like a positive direction for me.

i've decided to move to kansas for awhile.

for some reason, the idea of going backk to seattle right now feels like a failure. seattle's a great place, and i've been very happy being a pacific northwesterner, but i think it was as much a box to me as was the suburb of it that i lived in. this trip has broken me free from that box, i've truly seen the country for the first time, and i'm not ready to go back to my corner of it yet.

in fact, i kind of feel like there might be a place for me here in new york.

i'm not being dazzled by the city -- i've lived in cities before, in fact -- and for much of my short visit here i haven't been exactly in the highest of spirits or in the best of situations (standing outside madison sq. garden for ten hours in the driving rain, for example). this isn't a golden city, nor is it a shiny place to me.

but i get the sense that there's a little niche waiting here for me.

so, we'll see.




and why do i keep treating this blog like my personal journal?! for goodness' sake, stop me before i ramble off the minutae of my day, again!

my apologies, mayo. i'll do my best to stop hogging your blog.


one last thing, though: till, as in soil? are you preparing a garden, mayo? there was a new moon over the met last night -- that's always a good time to start on new endeavors, and new phases of one's life.

just a thought.

ergoproxy said...

that myspace is funny

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello TJ

Vivienne said...

TJ, hello :)
For the record I like your thoughts!

ergoproxy said...

heck I know it's poor taste but the whole thing really was asking for it.



Helllo TJ!
so nice to hear from you, sounds a fascinating place and I hope your new path brings you joy

Martha Smith-Jones said...

ANd Emma's story wasn't in poor taste.

ergoproxy said...

that's what I mean MJ I think her story was a really ridiculous thing to do, on a myspace that is stalked but most of INO and Buzznet etc, and made it out to be some work of total fiction, very very poor taste, and I still do not know what the motivation would have been

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight

Vivienne said...

*tumble weed*

ergoproxy said...

goodnight MJ sweet dreams

Vivienne said...

Goodnight MJ, sleep well, I hope you feel better in the morning.

ergoproxy said...

hey mayo so nice to see you around, and such an interesting post, so real and vivid and I hope you were able to spend some time with your mother this day. many families are sop spread out it becomes difficult to celebrate together, but knowing they are in your thoughts is worth it.
So me? Well I'm ok thanks, i described myself as feeling slightly to the side of where I was, a little "out of body" I don't know if it was the virus or the medication but it was interesting!
So wishing you love, health, sensitivity and reminiscence to you, and yours much love EP xx

SS
I hope you had a lovely weekend, did you have time to spend with your mother? Many find it hard through distance or loss, but I'm sure she would have been close kept in your heart, I imagine it's always rather than one day, but one day to be a little further to the front.
Sending you love, wishes and splendour in everything you do, lotsa love EP xx

goodnight everyone, I'm off early to get ready to go out, hope you all have a great monday.

goodnight cupcake, sorry I can't stay to talk we are off to the Melbourne comedy festival roadshow, we went last year and it was good so hope this year is too.

you take care and I'll catch up next time, perhaps there'll be a few more souls around!

Vivienne said...

Wow Ergo! I have to go to that someday! hopefully next year, when I've moved.

*hugs*

Take care!

Vivienne said...

I think I just became someones bitch.

Vivienne said...

Now that's it's quiet here, and I appear to be alone.... I can feel free to ramble.

There's something I've come to realize lately.
We're all capable of so much. Good and bad.
We all have the potential to become great, or the potential to become a victim.

I was thinking about this during one of my late night musings, I was missing an ex of mine, who was at times abusive. Not terribly so, I'm lucky that way, but never the less, I was mistreated, and threatened.
I was strong enough to break that relationship off, and I'm also strong enough to admit I have moments of weakness and I miss them.
Sometimes I think about the wonderful times we had and I think "was it really that bad?"
The answer is yes.
But those good times... they were good.Lovely.
I remember slow dances and thoughtful gifts.
It was an unusual relationship and in some ways I think I returned the abuse, though never physically.
Or maybe it was more that I didn't know what I wanted. I never meant to give false hope, or lead anyone on.
I've had the opportunity to get back together with this person on many occasions. I won't lie, I did consider it.
But then I realized how crazy that would be.
The best thing I ever did was jump that ship.
I'm free now, even if I don't feel it.

Vivienne said...

And so, goodnight.

Goodnight Mayo, your post was gritty and heartfelt and real.
I loved it.

SS, as always you impress, I hope you had a good mothers day. :)

Lovelies.... I love you. :)

xoxo cupcake

Anonymous said...

So i went to the Masqurade the other night in ATL. Ga. Right after I was pulled out from almost dying of dehydration, Jimmy Urine touched my ass as I walked off the stage!!!! Very Happy
Anyway, when I went to stand off the side of the stage, I saw this guy walk past me and stand against the wall watching Lyn-Z. Guess who? It was GERARD WAY!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! He stood 5 ft. in front of me. I triend to go over to him, but security toled me to stay to the side. *gurr* But he was right there.Cry I had tears streaming from my eyes. The man I look up to, the man who has saved my life was right in front of me. In Love Cry Cry Cry

Anonymous said...

...and I always knew that you were an exceptional liar

Anonymous said...

3:09 looks like he's making "art" with his wifey poo

toujours said...

good night cupcake. that was very insightful.

wandering around the internet...been a while since i've been able to...



you know, it really was a fun experience, travelling around, going to show after show. maybe it was a silly thing to do, maybe sometimes i came across like a bit of an idiot...

but i'm so glad i did it.

so glad. no matter what.




all of a sudden, i had a flash of that old feeling, mayo. do you remember? i'd pretend i was curled up on your couch, talking to your portrait over the fireplace, alone in the dark room.

i was even working on my version of that portrait there for a while, but had to give it up as a bad job.



oh, it's silly, but here's my middle of the night secret: i wish i did have someone to sit and talk with like that. to have someone to have long conversational rambles with...

*sigh*


sometimes, even though the poetry is nice, i wish we didn't have lovers on this blog. it's not always fun to be on the sidelines...

i'd better go to sleep before i say even more incriminating things, if i haven't already crossed too many lines as it is.

good night, blogbelieve.

good night, mayo-sama. it was good to read your comments from earlier. it's always good to see you on the blog and not just up top.

sweet dreams to you.

Anonymous said...

2:54/1:14/4:42 anon said...

Anonymous said...
4:42, you never need to doubt my sincerity or my love. I need you in my life. Yes, it is a fair trade.

May 11, 2008 6:17 PM


Thank you so much.

I need you in my life, too. I've never had anything like this happen to me before, and sometimes it scares me that it--and you--will disappear like all the others have.

But in my heart, I know we're the real thing. Anything that feels this good has to be real. I love you, and I love you more every day.

May 11, 2008 7:49 PM



Huh? Do you know who you are ready talking too?

Entropy said...

AW! Mayo, you are so sweet. I'm talking about the blog not the shit you spewed afterwards. Whoa, where'd that come from?
Nice to see you again and all that.
Hope you and your mama had a good day.

Carrie, did you look up any earthquakes to see if I was literally ate up by the hell hole we all know is under me?
I know you did! Too nice you is.

Night, everyone!
Talks to ya tomorrow.

Oh, Happy Mothers Day everyone! Or at least had a good one since I'm late.

Happy Birthday Amy!
Have a nice day. With presents and cake and balloons.

Entropy said...

http://www.myspace.com/theblackpajamaparty

Is cracking me up into pieces, okay? Pieces.
Oh, man, I haven't luaghed so much at the craziest things.

Bret Wai? Nuh huh! He spells is whey! I gots proof, well, not really besides my brain picture since they decided to switch shit up. But anyways, He DOES! Whey!

Okay, sleep, no more looking at funny stuff.

Kassiopeia said...

Morning Mayo!

I trust you all had a pleasant weekend - I shall try and catch up with the comments later.

FASC & Fimble,
Congrats to Manchester United - as Hot Jose would say, the "best" team is the one who triumphs over a 38-game season...



***



***



***



...and the one who had the least injuries, the most helpful match schedule and the one who made the best deal with the devil!!!

Anon @ 3:09am,
I'm pretty sure you saved your own life - rock bands exist solely to take your money!

Love,
Kass xx

Kassiopeia said...

Goodnight Entropy.

Nothing like a good laugh for brightening your Monday morning so whoever made that BPP masterpiece, I salute you!

Anonymous said...

Hello Beutelratten!

How is everyone?

Anon, thanks for that MySpace link!
Brillant, haha!!!

Happy belated Mother's Day!

ⒽⒶⓅⓅⓎ ⒷⒾⓇⓉⒽⒹⒶⓎ,
dear Amyranth!

Anonymous said...

Tempting

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