Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hollow point.

I will repeat it again and again.
For thirty-two, then thirty-three
time stopped. But, when does it end?
With empty rooms and unfilled beds,
and desperation; the last moments
and too many words left unsaid.



I am copying each name with bold black ink onto plain white card, filling the empty space with the only tangible evidence I have. One at a time I place a card face down before me while I consider each as if it were my own. Then, on the back of each card I write my name.
I can, but they cannot.

So, I will.

3,839 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Absolutely.

Ab-so-lutely.

Fimble Star said...

ohhh i love that t shirt. can we see it on the tour.

instead of guns hurt people, we cn have toes hurt people.

Jennicula said...

"There is something comforting and familiar about the pain and suffering. Does that make sense? I mean when it's all you've ever known. You can't imagine it any other way."

Have you been wandering around in my head again?

At some point, you realize the pain and suffering is not good for you and you become ready for the change. You will actually welcome it. It could take a day, week, year, life-time to undo the damage. But someday, you will be ready to let go of it and walk away from the pain.

Fimble Star said...

wow, anon, you are on top.


well done.
*pats anon on back*

Anonymous said...

Oh, well. My comment goes for both the Anonymous and RW's t-shit idea.

resurrected wreck said...

Solly, I find that hot baffs are the very best places to find answers. And plan revolutions.

Anonymous said...

But, that pain won't ever leave you. Physically it will, you know? But, that part of you will always be there. Those memories, those feelings, they'll all stay.

Fimble Star said...

and plan to take over the world, rw. dont forget that

Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn, Solly, Smoke, Fimbelina, Mustard, MJ, RW and Anon.

However change is threatening, most choose the more comfortable option, despite how it slowly traps us.


Agree with that 300%. Change scares me. The unknown. There is something comforting and familiar about the pain and suffering. Does that make sense? I mean when it's all you've ever known. You can't imagine it any other way.


I agree 3000%. But then one day, you might wake up and just think "Nope, no more." The thought of facing your worst fear, which in my case was being totally alone, seemed better than what I was in. That's when I knew it was over.
I can't explained how it happened, though. It just did.

Smoke said...

That pain will never leave you. You'll always remember but hopefully in the end, it will somehow make you stronger.

Smoke said...

Hey there, Star!

Fimble Star said...

hey my starry eyed suprise, how are you and the new jersey skies tongiht.

you hear about these people who have been together for 30 years or so, and they just walk away. they cant do it anymore.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Star. :)

Can I just say that I'm glad to be seeing your name around more often?


(Putting out an APB on SisterMidnite! I sawz you at DM today though, so that made me smile.)

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Blogger resurrected wreck said...

Solly, I find that hot baffs are the very best places to find answers. And plan revolutions.

April 16, 2008 8:34 PM

The only way to have a fresh start is to wash away you troubles. Let all the shit from that day be soaked up by the hot water and washer down the drain.

Jennicula said...

Pain leaves a hole you. Once you deal with it head-on, the pain becomes something different. Like a phantom pain. It was once there and now it's gone, but there's a hole.

You need to find something to fill that hole. Hopefully, it's not more pain.

Does that make sense?

resurrected wreck said...

Hullo, Star! :D

Fimble Star said...

like a scar?

Smoke said...

Exactly like a scar.

Fimble Star said...

i agree martha. a good both washs away the shit, or at least helps youwash it away.

it relax's me, i love a nice hot bath.

Jennicula said...

Yes, FIm, like a battle scar. It no longer hurts, but you remember how you got it.

Anonymous said...

Hey Smoke and Fim.
NJ skies are clear, and it's supposed to be 77 degrees on Friday right in time for my break from school!!

Amyranth said...

Roast and cupcakes for supper! I even went out and got stuff to make brownies!

I'm going to be SO fat someday.. :P

-A

Anonymous said...

Can I just say that I have no idea what I'm trying to say?

I can? Great.

Anonymous said...

I agree 3000%. But then one day, you might wake up and just think "Nope, no more." The thought of facing your worst fear, which in my case was being totally alone, seemed better than what I was in. That's when I knew it was over.
I can't explained how it happened, though. It just did.


This is the "light bulb" moment, the time you are emotionally equipped to start the change.

As I have said, you really must want change, more than the fear.

Smoke said...

Me either, Mustard. I'm like the last person to be trying to explain some shit about love!

Fimble Star said...

star, wow i bet you are relieved that it is a break. have you anythign nice planned? and the weather sounds lovely. it was 70*F here today, clear skies and sunny but it was awefully windy.

at te weekend, it is supposed to be 82 - 85*F. i think i will beach it again but with cream heheheehe

Anonymous said...

Yeah, if you're the last person, I didn't even make the list!

Fimble Star said...

amy, are you gonna pack soem up and ship them to mayos for us? :)

may get a bti peckish. oh and i saw that band you spoke about. crap i forgot the name but i have heard them before on fuse. i like them

Smoke said...

I mean, the minute I think I know something or have it figured out....

WHAM!

Wrong. Princess got punked.

Anonymous said...

Amy, may I please, for the love of all things holey (yes, holey) have a friggin' cupcake?

Anonymous said...

Scars are a permanent reminder of our survival and our strength.

They hurt, but we can never avoid pain.

Anonymous said...

Oh, hell. I don't even claim to have an idea.

I just watch and learn. I's whatIdo.

Amyranth said...

Fimn, Anti-Flag? They have a new release out.

Also, anytime I talk about "supper" it's always hot and waiting on the table at Mayo's! ;)

-A

Smoke said...

She came in bragging that she bought brownie mix so she just got nominated to bake us all brownies.

^_^

Amyranth said...

Mustard, for the Love of God, do so.

:D

-A

Anonymous said...

Scars are a permanent reminder of our survival and our strength.

True. It's a shame we don't see that until after the fact. Because in the middle of all of it, you don't think you'll make it.

sdock10 said...

True.

After you live with pain for long enough, you feel unsettled without it, even though you know it's wrong. The familiarity is comfortable.

When you undergo a major change in life, you sometimes need someone to hold your hand across all the steps.



I think I offer my hand to the wrong people most times.

I just keep sticking it out there. HOLD MY HAND PLEASE! Reaching.

Holding on to nothing.


Sorry guys, I didn't find any anwers in my bath. Only more questions.

Fimble Star said...

I want change, change in my life. That’s why I have decided to go home and be alone, with no money, no job and no home. But I am going to make it, and I am going to succeed because I have to. I have to prove to myself and accept myself to make myself happier.

Jennicula said...

OK, Mustard, I'm just going to put it out there.

I did not have a good childhood. I did not have an easy life. I have been damaged beyond what I'm willing to put here. I dated guys who were not nice to me and treated me poorly. The ones who were nice I ditched because if they were with me, something was wrong with them.

My husband found me and hung in there. He fought me for me. It hasn't been an easy road. Somedays are better than others. I still have scars of what I've been through, and sometimes they flare up. We work through it together.

He has helped me change things in my life for the better. At times it was very scary. Other times I welcomed it. I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. I didn't know how.

He saw the potential in me. He saw through the scars and saw beauty. It was something I didn't/couldn't see.

Ok, enough of my diatribe.

Anonymous said...

What a collection of scars you have. Never forget who gave you the best of them, and be grateful, our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real.

Fimble Star said...

amy, no they are the band that will be playign in china i think. against ...... crap i forget things like salt.

do you knwo who i am talking about

Anonymous said...

Fimmy,
No plans, I'm just going to relax, sleep and read trashy romance novels!

Anon,
After the lightbulb moment, everyone else in my life was thrilled. It was freaky and made me feel worse at times because it made the fact that I was a mess so much more vividly clear.
But it got easier.

Did that make sense?

resurrected wreck said...

Well, t'is time for my shower.

By the way, my leggings were falling down again today (Fimmy, I can hear you laughing, cheeky miss!), even though I had bought the smallest size. So I was walking around at work all day with, yes, pins holding up my pants. I felt like I was 4. But it'll do until I get around to fixing them proper-like this weekend.

Anyway, back soon...

Anonymous said...

Of all the places to find a quote for all this!

You guys truly ARE lovely and strong. Aren't we all? :)

I'll be back later, after a shower. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Isn't it odd how RW and I always seem to be showering at the same time.

O_O

resurrected wreck said...

Sheer coincidence, K.

Uh... yeah.

Amyranth said...

Fimn, you mean Against Me!

Yeah, they're not a bad band.

Also, brownies are ready and free for anyone who wants them.

-A

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello Amy and Star how are you.

For those who asked bikey says he is okay and the book is going well.


SD sometimes questions can be a good thing. They make you think about the shit you just washed away. Hopeful in a different way.

Anonymous said...

Perfect sense Star.

When we finally "wake up" it's akin to being in shock. And also loathing yourself for allowing it to happen.

Smoke said...

Scars.

Well you think that's it, that's all there is. And nothing is going to hurt as much as you are hurting right then. Then, you get through it. It gets easier. And you realize that you can withstand alot more than you thought you could. And as crazy as it seems, I wouldn't trade mine in for anything. They have made me who I am today.

Weird, huh?

sdock10 said...

MJ,

Seems all I ever find is more questions and no answers. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough or I am refusing to see???

See...more fucking questions!!

Fimble Star said...

rw, well you make me laugh. and wat a great place to put.

in your pants.

hehehehe ok, go shower with your kitties and jules. have fun in there.

amy, throw one down to daytona, i will catch it. watch and yes thats them. i liek the song you told me about, i need to look at their other songs.

star, sounds like a good plan. will you have a big bar of choc with you and a nice brew

sdock10 said...

All roads lead to right fucking here and now.

To home.

Will I recognize it?

Anonymous said...

Sdock. there are never true answers.

It's more like unravelling the layers to find what you want.

Anonymous said...

Jen, I'm so happy you found him. You're a lucky, lucky woman, do you know that?

Smoke said...

go shower with your kitties and jules. have fun in there.

O_O

I'll be right back.

Jennicula said...

ps to my post: It has taken me years to get where I am today and I'm still a mess. Just not as bad.

sdock10 said...

Anonymous said...
Sdock. there are never true answers.

It's more like unravelling the layers to find what you want.



I end up tying myself in knots. One big ball of hot mess.

But I have always liked a good challenge, I think I can get untangled.

Amyranth said...

Hallo MJ!

-A

Fimble Star said...

well throw off that jumper and kick off your shoes.

Anonymous said...

All roads lead to right fucking here and now.

To home.

Will I recognize it?


Just make sure it's not through someone else. Like a certain vocalist is inferring.

Jennicula said...

Mustard, you don't even know how lucky I am. I'd be dead by now without him.

Anonymous said...

Sdock,
You may be a hot mess, but you have a keen, true sense of self awareness (which is both a blessing and a curse), and that distinguishes you from the people who are a mess, but don't know that they are.

I don't think you're a mess. You're in a messy situation.

Anonymous said...

You're brave, too. Our discussion made me realize that.

Anonymous said...

Be fair, Anon, everyone must find their own way and it will be different for each of us. Some find it in reflective solitude, others find it in the strength and love of another.

The journey is the destination.

Fimble Star said...

what starry eyed surprise said right there

Anonymous said...

Be fair, Anon, everyone must find their own way and it will be different for each of us. Some find it in reflective solitude, others find it in the strength and love of another.

The journey is the destination.


You talk a lot of damn sense, Anon. I agree completely.


Whomever or whatever he finds his way home through, I just want him to find his way.

Anonymous said...

Anon, love compliments you, but never defines YOU.

sdock10 said...

Anonymous said...


Just make sure it's not through someone else. Like a certain vocalist is inferring.



Well, maybe she is keeping him on the right path.

I don't know and am certainly not the one to judge that.

No way, not me and my life.



Star, thank you so much. Messy situation, right.

Anonymous said...

Going back to earlier, everyone's version of love and happiness is their own.

Fimble Star said...

my arm is having spazzams. it hurts :(

sdock10 said...

For all I know, she might be the one holding his hand helping him make the steps.

Anonymous said...

I agree with 9:11, but you guys saw that coming. ^_^

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Blogger sdock10 said...

MJ,

Seems all I ever find is more questions and no answers. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough or I am refusing to see???

See...more fucking questions!!

Maybe you are looking to hard. Sit back relax in the hot water and just let the thoughts follow. The answers are there you just may not want to accept it.


I just want to add that blogger is a cock sucker

Anonymous said...

mustardisbetter said...

You talk a lot of damn sense, Anon. I agree completely.



Thank you. It seems there are several anons here. For the record, I have just joined this conversation.

Anonymous said...

For all I know, she might be the one holding his hand helping him make the steps.




Sdock, everyone who has ever met her, and I know you haven't.... Knows that she's a HUGE coke addict. I'm sorry, I wish it was different but it isn't. This is about you though not Gerard and his problems. He chose this. It's what he wants. You see things differently from him because you wouldn't get involved that deep in something like that. Count yourself ahead. Gerard and Linds are fucked up together. They're going to destroy each other.

Fimble Star said...

hello jules. did you have a nice shower. is rw on her way?

Anonymous said...

And a certain Jimmy Urine is probably the biggest coke head there is in music today. Lindsey is an alcoholic and unfortunately so is Gerard, and they are both addicts. He was doing good until early summer. She is just feeding his addiction I'm sorry to say.

Anonymous said...

LOL uhh, I know nothing of this RW / shower of which you speak! O_o

Anonymous said...

9:16, it doesn't matter anymore. It's his life, and he can fuck up his life if he wants.

resurrected wreck said...

Blogger S&V said:

go shower with your kitties and jules. have fun in there.

O_O

I'll be right back.


But there's no room for you in the shower too, S&V!!

Anonymous said...

I've gotta take my doggies out, get my stuffs ready for tomorrow and then I'm gonna go on AIM, kay? :)

Anonymous said...

Gerard and Linds are fucked up together. They're going to destroy each other.

If that is, in fact, the case, I hope to hell he makes a huge effort to remove himself from that situation.

But, this is none of my business. It is his own. I just don't want to see the dude dead.

Smoke said...

Okay, I'm back. ^_^

I know you all are thrilled.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately anon at 9:18 you are right.

resurrected wreck said...

The journey is the destination.

So true.

Anonymous said...

Remember the old adage - like attracts like

Anonymous said...

What Mustard said. It's out of our hands anyway.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello Kapu how are you? I thought you were in the shower with RW and her pussies. ;P

sdock10 said...

Anonymous said...
For all I know, she might be the one holding his hand helping him make the steps.




Sdock, everyone who has ever met her, and I know you haven't.... Knows that she's a HUGE coke addict. I'm sorry, I wish it was different but it isn't. This is about you though not Gerard and his problems. He chose this. It's what he wants. You see things differently from him because you wouldn't get involved that deep in something like that. Count yourself ahead. Gerard and Linds are fucked up together. They're going to destroy each other.



Anon,

You'd be surprised at some of the things I have gotten involved in all in the name of love. I can be a complete idiot. I have done some stupid shit, so I can't judge them. I don't know either of them and I will only hope for the best because that's all I can do.

Smoke said...

RW,

Are you shunning me from the shower? But you buy me stuffs. :(

Hee-hee.

And yes, the journey is the destination. I agree.

Anonymous said...

or

opposites attract

Anonymous said...

Exactly, and pairing a "recovering" addict up with an addict who isn't even trying to recover is a disaster. Gerard is so unhealthy it's scary right now.

Anonymous said...

Opposites? Gerard would never let himself be "opposite" of what he "loves"..

sdock10 said...

Okay, I'm out of this conversation.

It's been cool talking with everyone tonight. Thanks for listening to me and thanks for the advice.

Anonymous said...

9:21 you are being facetious, aren't you?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

I really don't like it when people say it's your life fuck it up however you want.

Because in the end when the person destroy themselves you are going to wish you did more to help them.


Because in the end you are still going to miss that person no matter how much of an asshole they have become.

Anonymous said...

MJ, people end up saying that when they have done all they can, and throw their hands in the air.

Some people only learn through their own mistakes.

Amyranth said...

Anonymous said...

Anon, love compliments you, but never defines YOU.


I'd just like to point out here, that the guys who get pissed at me for "not mentioning that you have a boyfriend" should take heed of this.

My boyfriend is a wonderful addition to my life. He's not (always) my life, nor is he an extension of myself. I don't feel defined by having a boyfriend, nor do I ever feel undefined by not having one. And neither should anyone else.

-A thinks her roast smells AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

I'm following Sdock's lead and backing out of this.


I just hope Gerard realizes there are people willing to help him if he needs it. I can't do that for him, and none of you can either. We can only offer what support we're able to and hope that things turn out for the best.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Anon I know believe me I know. But in the end I wish I could have (should have) done more.

Anonymous said...

Mj, that's just beating yourself up, because in the end there is only so much you can do.

You can help them, but not save them.

Anonymous said...

Why the distressing topics tonight?
The entire blog seems to need a hug.

Anonymous said...

you rock my world. you are the only trollop round here. big up the sisters of sins

Martha Smith-Jones said...

No I can't save them but I can try.

Anonymous said...

The blog needs chocolate brownies.

Anonymous said...

HUGS FOR ALL!

*hugs Mayo's blog*

Anonymous said...

And ice cream!

resurrected wreck said...

Anon @ 9:33pm, you rock my world!!

Anonymous said...

I need a hug

everybody, group hug

Anonymous said...

kisses to you, Hose Beast!

Anonymous said...

No, I needz da brownies and all of Amy's cupcakes.


Hugging all of you just because I'm feeling a little froggy tonight.

Fimble Star said...

hugs to you all, and nighty ngiht. i am retiring off this blog for the night. i have to fly away to the high clouds above hehehe

nighty ngiht guys, thanks for the conversation.

xxx

Anonymous said...

*faints*

resurrected wreck said...

RW,

Are you shunning me from the shower? But you buy me stuffs. :(


I only banned you 'cause, what with K and the kitties in there already, there wasn't enough room.

But next time, place of honour is yours! I shall even buy your own lovely scented soap!

resurrected wreck said...

Night, Fim! :)

Anonymous said...

Yes, you are certainly women. One comment and the mood of the entire blog shifts. :)

Anonymous said...

MJ, your intentions are wonderful.

I agree, she is ridiculous, but there is no accounting for taste.

He lives his life, his way.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight FS.

Anonymous said...

Yes, you are certainly women. One comment and the mood of the entire blog shifts. :)

Anon, generalizations about gender rub me the wrong way. Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Well, generalizations about every group of people.

Anonymous said...

Yes, you are certainly women. One comment and the mood of the entire blog shifts. :)

Oh, this is mild.

Sometimes we start singing:

"I feel the earth move under my feet
I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down..."


;)

Amyranth said...

Anonymous said...

The blog needs chocolate brownies.


There's still a full plate in the kitchen.

I thought it was funny that I hadn't been run over yet.

-A is wondering if her cooking is going bad or something.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

MJ, your intentions are wonderful.

I agree, she is ridiculous, but there is no accounting for taste.

He lives his life, his way.

April 16, 2008 9:38 PM

Thank you.

I find your comment about taste interesting because I was having the same conversation at work about Bill Clinton.

I will just say this if I was the mom of those two boys I would smack them right upside the head.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Blogger Kapunua said...

Yes, you are certainly women. One comment and the mood of the entire blog shifts. :)

Anon, generalizations about gender rub me the wrong way. Just saying.

April 16, 2008 9:40 PM


I swear to god this is really odd. I also today had a male co worker make a generalization about me and woman in general. We also had a fight yesterday about what color grape Gator Aid is.

Original Punk J said...

Hello, everyone. Hope you are all doing well.

Mayo, well said, and a very good tribute. Virginia Tech is not that far from here, and it shook all of us when the shootings happened. A little more close to home. It shouldn't happen anywhere, and it's hard to think what would cause a human being to wake up one day and casually end the life of innocent people, people who had their whole lives ahead of them.

Prayer cards. A lovely way to remember the lives of those that ended that day. I'm sure they would thank you if they could, Mayo. But they can't, so I will.

Thank you.

SS, should I ask...no, better not to... You always bring a smile to my face, and so many others. And you do inspire us, my friend, and I hope somedays we inspire and help you. You are Family. You are loved.

Anon earlier today who gave us a guess about Frank, thank you. You are more than likely right. He pushes himself so far, but it's what he wants to do. He's a sweet guy, but he does need more rest. And yeah, that's the "protoctive" side coming out!

Mad and High!, I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I can sympathize. Several years ago I was with someone for five years. I lost our baby, at a little over one month. Later found out I cannot have children.

It didn't really hit me at first, but later, months later, it did. When I found the paper I had started writing baby names on. That's when it truly hit me.

Then, our relationship fell apart only a month later. He was the first and only man that I could say I really loved. But I knew he was not the "One". Which is why I would never marry him. I knew it wasn't going to work.

It hurts to see them with someone else, but you don't know when you are going to run up on that person that makes you realize that they are the one you should be with.

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. And the other Lovelies are right, there is someone here pretty much 24/7, so anytime you need words, or just need to talk, don't hesitate. You can e-mail us or leave a note on our blog. (The other Punk is J.)
Take care, and hold on.

L.

resurrected wreck said...

Well, guys, I've had my baff & now it's time for bed.

So have a good night, everyone, and a great day tomorrow! :)

Anonymous said...

You are very welcome MJ.

In the end, people have only control over themselves, not others.

But it does hurt when you see someone not living to their full potential.

resurrected wreck said...

Oh, hey, hullo L :)

Goodnight all!

resurrected wreck said...

*will dream of brownies*

Anonymous said...

Another sad story to share. Sorry.

Today a 16yr old boy came in for a haircut and I knew right away something was wrong. He is usually quite chatty but he answered all my questions about his cut with "I don't care". After a few minutes I asked him if he was okay. He looked at me and said "I got some bad news today, My friend commited suicide". I wanted to give him a hug, instead I touched his shoulder and said how sorry I was. I thought he was going to cry but he held it together. It was so fucking sad knowing how much he was hurting inside. Sometimes my job is really depressing.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello L how are you.

it seems that a lot of people at this blog have had some sort of personal tragedy

sdock10 said...

Nite, RW!


Sweet dreams!

Original Punk J said...

Hi and Bye, RW.

I really hope that one day Gerard will realize that he is worthy of the kind of unconditional love that he needs and deserves. Since I personally have no idea what kind of marriage he has, but I am observant. No more to be said on that subject.

He has a kind, caring heart, and a beautiful soul. He may not always make the best choices, but I still believe in the person I see in those eyes.

L.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous,

Just, wow. What do you say to that? I think you did what I would have done.

You are in the business where you get to hear a lot of people's stories. Sometimes it's the most rewarding thing ever, and then times like this, it just isn't.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight RW.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are very welcome MJ.

In the end, people have only control over themselves, not others.

But it does hurt when you see someone not living to their full potential.

It really does. Some days more than others.

Anon at 9:53 it may have been depressing but at least he had you to ask him if everything was okay. I'm sure it helped him.

Anonymous said...

NEW TAKING BACK SUNDAY INTERVIEW!

I'm beaming 'cause they're talking about growing up on Long Island. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Gah! Goodnight, RW! See you tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

MIB, there have been times when I can hardley bear to hear of another tragedy. However, seeing people make it through these awful situations gives me a lot of hope.

Anonymous said...

I"m sorry, 9:53. That's really hard.

Anonymous said...

However, seeing people make it through these awful situations gives me a lot of hope.

Yes, and it also makes you appreciate the things you value and the people you love more.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for listening.

Original Punk J said...

I'm doing ok, Martha, how are you? Hopefully headache free today?

I know. But I find it a compliment to the people here that others feel comfortable sharing and asking for advice.

That is horrible about the boy's friend. The one's left behind are the ones who suffer. And nine times out of ten people do it to because they feel others will be better off it they permanently go away. When it actually causes pain, confusion and grief.

I'm going to share something with you guys as an example. One of my nieces who was married to a wonderful man went to his mother's house one day and her Mother-in-Law was upset about several things, and asked my niece if she would pick up her (the MIL) daughter from school and take her to my neices home. My niece was suspicious because of her MIL's state of mind, and she had tried to commit suicide before. My niece wouldn't leave the house, tried to talk her into going with her, and to go to the hospital. She agreed and said she was going to the bathroom before she left. My niece was in the living room when she heard the gun go off. She ran in and found her MIL had taken a shotgun from the bedroom on the way to the bathroom. My niece had to drag a blood covered phone out from under her to call 911.

My niece has never gotten over that day. She has many, many problems, her marriage fell apart and she is now in therapy trying to come to terms with it. She blames herself for not going in the bathroom with her, for not seeing what she was going to do.

L.

Anonymous said...

Hey, you're welcome. :)

Thanks for sharing.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Oh my god L. I don't know what to say.

Anonymous said...

Nope, I could not deal with that.

Too many things run through my head.

Original Punk J said...

Martha, it's one of those "what DO you say?" She is doing some better, and she has forgiven her MIL, and I know I should, but I just have the hardest time. I can't help but see what happened to my niece and I get so angry.

L.

Amyranth said...

My grandfather committed suicide on my Aunt's birthday, in her bedroom with his gun.

My grandmother and my mother both swear that the day he died was the day the house started breathing again.

-A

ergoproxy said...

hello I'm back, newly coiffed and tinted,

L how absolutely tragic! I know a few people who have dealt with similar and the "what if.." is the worst part of it


I'm still catching up on obviously very serious discussion

Original Punk J said...

I'm sorry, Amyranth, it's hard to lose people, but that way? What did they mean by breathing again?

Hey, Ergo. I know, she has so many questions and no answers for them.

L.

Carrie said...

I get you Amy. That's sad, but I understand what you're saying about the house breathing again.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello Ep, how are you?


L what you feel isn't wrong or right it is what you feel.

Smoke said...

Mayo,

This was a sad post but very cool of you to do. You have a good heart, Mayo. I really believe that. Hope you have a good night. ^_^

SS,

You're a sneaky little squirt. Hope you found something to make you laugh around here today. We try! Just thank you again for what you do. Hopefully, we give a little bit back to ya. You are awesome. Don't you ever forget it.

Goodnight BlogBelieve! Sweet dreams to everyone!

XOXO,
S&V20

sdock10 said...

Mayo,

I hope you are well tonight. Me? I'm good.

Thank you for sharing your latest post with us. It's hard to make sense out of such a senseless tragedy, but that's what we try to do. That's all we can do. Those left behind can only attempt to pick up the pieces and move on. They will go on living, but they will never forget. And who would want to?

Well, I have spewed all over your blog enough tonight. I hope you don't mind. We hadn't done that for a while and I think some of us needed it, so I thank you, Mayo.

Hope you have a nice night and a bright tomorrow.

Love to YOU Always,
S

p.s. Food for Thought and I am always hungry.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight SD and S&V

ergoproxy said...

my experience has mainly been with teens or early twenties, mainly boys, you just wonder why, and I think sometimes it's the seemingly easiest way to stop the hurt they feel, but 2 I know who lived long enough to realise what they did regretted it so much, but there was nothing to be done then. The families and community grieve so much

Original Punk J said...

Goodnight, SDock and Smoke. Sweet dreams.

Martha, I still wish I could forgive her. I hate feeling that way.

L.

ergoproxy said...

hi carrie MJ amyranth mustard kapunua

amy I think I know what they meant, sometimes the person affects many while they're alive too

I'm good thanks MJ how are you?

just had a haircut and I found 2 great tops in a 2nd hand store

ergoproxy said...

goodnight sdock and smoke sweet dreams

Carrie said...

That sounds like a good day, ergo!

Anonymous said...

thank god there's no more fucking poetry on this blog!

ergoproxy said...

carrie you know every time I see the wallabies in our yard I think of you now!

Original Punk J said...

Guys, I'm going to go for a bit, but may be back on later.

L.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Okay I have to ask this question. Britney is going out of her mind So why do all the people around her only seem to be worried about her fame.

Anonymous said...

Mean anon
Go away
I do not
Like your
Words today

Carrie said...

you should picture my jealous frowny face as I have only scrawny ass scraggly squirrels and the odd rabbit in mine. That just sounds so cool, your place, with the wallabies and the chickens and the river and such. I'm not sure, but I think you might live in heaven. (well, except for that damn snake under the fridge)

Anonymous said...

Mayo,
It was a kind gesture you showed today, and I thank you for sharing it with us. Some things just hit us right in the gut and need to be let go of some how. I think the way you did it was awfully special, and I would imagine rewarding.

After tonight's discussion, I've come to realize that I'm nowhere closer to anything, in this respect, than I was about four years ago. It just makes me uneasy to think I won't figure it out.

It's topics like those we've had tonight that make me look around my life and see that not only am I not the only one, but that there are those who are less fortunate than me. And then there are those who I still keep hoping things for. Pretty sure there will always be one.

Take care of yourself. Continue searching. Goodnight, Mayo.


SS,
You do realize that when you change locations, you will no longer be "in your pants," right? You're lucky we're so accepting. Others would not tolerate your outside undie wearing self. They'd send you to the looney bin! ;)

Thanks for messin' with us today. You had me looking up new bands that didn't even exist. >.<

Have a great night.


BBers,
Thanks for talking tonight. It's always enlightening. I wish everyone a great night and a fresh start tomorrow.

Goodnight, you guys. :)

Anonymous said...

No, I can express an opinion. if you don't like it, ignore it.

Entropy said...

Mayo, that was pretty cool of you.
It was surprising.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Okay how the hell did I miss carrie.

Hello how are you?

Goodnight l, I will be going to bed soon .

Carrie said...

Ha! Good point, anon. :)

Carrie said...

I snuck in MJ, and goodnight and sleep well.

ergoproxy said...

goodnight mustard sweet dreams, I know you'll figure it out one day :)

MJ I think she is seen as a product by a lot of people around her, not a person

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Color me confused what exactly did mayo do?

ergoproxy said...

Carrie your comment reminded me of this song, it's from new Zealand and is from an animated movie called Footrot Flats, I'm sure PP would know it well.

Slice of Heaven

It is lovely where we are, but squirrels and rabbits sound cute (much nicer than snakes!)
I just had to go out and be mother hen, and I mean literally, my 4 chicks were hungry

Amyranth said...

For when L comes back: My grandfather was abusive, and an alcoholic. The house always seemed so tense when he was around because he was either drunk and beating my grandmother, or beating my mother, or just plain being an asshole.

When he died, it was almost like this huge tension had been lifted from the house.

Oddly enough, my mother said that had my grandfather gotten sober, and stayed that way, he would have liked me very much. She says that I have a lot of the same traits as my grandfather did, minus the drinking and being abusive, of course.


-A

Anonymous said...

Wasn't someone saying last post that Mayo was going to kill himself?

Guess he didn't!!

ergoproxy said...

ok strike that link



Slice of Heaven

Carrie said...

Do they have special feed when they are little? I should know this, as my sis in law lives on a farm.

Amyranth said...

Anonymous said...

Wasn't someone saying last post that Mayo was going to kill himself?

Guess he didn't!!


Why would he?

-A

ergoproxy said...

Amy it's really a shame he didn't but people will do what they wish, it must've been so hard for your grandma and mum, probably at a time when leaving wasn't the done thing, or they couldn't.
I can absolutely see why they felt they could breathe again.

MJ it's believed Mayo's pot is to remember the Virginia tech victims

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
thank god there's no more fucking poetry on this blog!

April 16, 2008 10:47 PM



*hmph*
i liked the poetry.


hey all, it's late isn't it? elena and i have been having a relaxing evening -- or maybe we're just worn out from concerts and and going to bed at 4 am every night!

solemn topics tonight.

feeling a bit low.

too much thinking is the cause, maybe.

ergoproxy said...

carrie I start them on mashed egg ( and it's a little ironic and disturbing) and then into chick starter which is like a fine crumbled feed.
I just gave them some bread soaked in milk as the feeds in my car and it's too heavy ..



..well not really, but hubby is so much better at lifting heavy things

Martha Smith-Jones said...

I thought he had done something else I was looking around his profile.

Well I am off to bed. i may lurk for a while

Goodnight

Anonymous said...

Dreaming Reality said that Mayo was going to kill himself the last time.

ergoproxy said...

TJ and Elena!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how was your day?
TJ elena worked you hard today hey?

and I think you would be a little worn out by now.

any more concert details?

Carrie said...

yeah, I knew chickens were quite cannibalistic, and will kinda eat anything. I loooove to feed them when I go to the farm. I love how there are sooo many different varieties.

Anonymous said...

Mayo's pot...Funny because earlier, reading through the posts, I thought it seemed like everyone was high from a contact buzz. It was all deep thoughts and brownies in here, Now I know who to blame.

ergoproxy said...

well dreaming reality said she was worried, but obviously he is fine so 'nuf said.

goodnight MJ happy lurking and sweet dreams

Amyranth said...

Anonymous said...

Dreaming Reality said that Mayo was going to kill himself the last time.



Aiyiyi....

-A

Anonymous said...

*hmph*
i liked the poetry.


There are lots of sites that contain poetry to read.

Better there, than here.

Carrie said...

And oh, I just thought of a horribly rude comment about your hubby being better at lifting heavy things, but I wouldn't want to blow his ego up.

Amyranth said...

Anonymous said...

Mayo's pot...Funny because earlier, reading through the posts, I thought it seemed like everyone was high from a contact buzz. It was all deep thoughts and brownies in here, Now I know who to blame.


HAHAHAHA!!! "Deep Thoughts and Brownies. Welcome to Mayo's Kitchen"


-A

Anonymous said...

she certainly did, ergo.:)

and when we got home, she had me doing lackey-work for her internet business.

it's fair -- i gotta earn my keep and the starbucks she keeps buying me! lol

what do you want to know about the concert?

ray was pretty awesome...

;)

ergoproxy said...

mayo's pot....it seemed like everyone was high....


excellent freudian slip!



carrie my rooster is a barred plymouth rock so they are all turning out like him, black and white striped feathers.(though one of the last lot of chicks before this is white)& I have 2 black and 2 red hens too

ergoproxy said...

yep TJ that was what I wanted to know :)

any detail I can weasel out of you?


Carrie that is a book title if I've ever read one!

Anonymous said...

There are lots of sites that contain poetry to read.

Better there, than here.


very true, and i have several bookmarked on my own computer.

but the spontaniety of randomly appearing poems, and the attendant mystery of their origin makes them a bit more shiny than the others.

:)

ergoproxy said...

oops sorry amyranth!

Amyranth, that's a book title if I've ever read one!

Carrie said...

You have pretty chickens, Ergo, I look at the pics when you post, and so does the hubby. He tries to talk me into chickens, but we don't have as rural of a setting here.

Anonymous said...

ergo, when i was still in the crowd, i was actually right in front of ray, and i can only report that watching him play at close range is pretty much like whoa.

elena, who is sitting here making fun of me (again), said that you can't actually see his face, just his hair!

lol

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