The catalyst of confusion
started a fire
while shopping for
a soul on a high wire.
Until now I was unaware that the remuneration for impropriety exceeded that set for dignity. How much did you get for yours? As for my dignity…I will hold onto it, thank you. I would rather starve than feed my soul from a base wage.
With my voice in repose, I hid behind my own forbearing shadow, and allowed silence to foster absolution. Silence failed, and I have become intolerant of flippant commentary.
I am not so completely unaware. Because I am certain that is common knowledge, your recent presentment was, quite frankly, out of line. Your bravado flames me.
As it happened, I had simply misplaced the why, where, and how. I can identify the sickness in that statement, and I concede fault in my volition. I understand that I can be fucking difficult. My own scathing behavior must remain in constant check.
I am not able to take back that fleeting moment or the injustice it served you. I have arrived at the place from where I must move on. I wish you the same in your departure.
p.s. a fucking doormat.
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3,911 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1001 – 1200 of 3911 Newer› Newest»maybe i can play wth adam lazara's belt buckle. if only i can get past kapuna.
yes i said kapuna do you like it. fuck yes you do
why do i keep being invaded by a giant man hand? We have laws against that thing here in texas, abide by the rules Mr Way or i'll be on a train faster than you can say sniff my pants
I'd love some you.
I bet you smell good.
i like to eat potatos. i like to ride ships. i like to jump around and dance to aqua
O what a noble mind is here o'erthrown. The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword, the expectancy and rose of the fair state, the glass of fashion and the mould of form,
the observed of all observers, quite, quite down!
And I, of ladies most deject and wretched, that sucked the honey of his musicked vows, now see that noble and most sovereign reason,
like sweet bells jangled, out of time and harsh; that unmatched form and feature of blown youth blasted with ecstasy.
O, woe is me to have seen what I have seen, see what I see!
Aww thank you BC lover. I love you too.
Forever and ever and ever.
Hi, I am the nice* twin.
*Not as evil, maybe.
This is the captain of your ship
Please fasten your seatbelts
bombay vikings said...
i like to eat pants. i like to ride pants. i like to jump around and dance in pants.
Shame in me, where are you?
BC lover, how come we haven't kissed?
You will all recognize me by my naughtiness.
STEVIE G!
Spank me hard, I have been bad!
oh no thank you. i dont want to kiss you
Have you all missed me? I was between two breads.
ghost, serenade me
captain of the mayo ss entiprise said...
This is the captain of your ship
Please fasten your pants
Forever, but what of the day after that?
Oh allow me just one night, where the stars shine down on us and fill us with light
and the sea will wash away our sins and bind us as one
for i know not of another star when you shine your light the rest are none
Goodnight anima
Hey imposter BC Lover!!! Back the hell off!!!
look and listen. if you cant spell my name you can just call me JULES
oh and STFU anons, like hell you have been here from the begining
oh adam drool mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Id give up forever to touch you cause i know that you feel me somehow, youre the closest to heaventhat il ever be and i dont want to go home right now...
HELLO, LADIES.
Back off.
Kapunua whats your real name? is it same as mine?
Im here BC just laughing and joining in the fun :) two Bc lovers huh? Lucky girl hehe
GooGoo Dolls said...
Back off.
December 30, 2007 2:21 AM
3rd funniest thing all night!!! haha i dont want this too end :)
I don't want to kiss you either impostor BC lover. Besides, I was speaking to the real one.
It is Jules. ^_^
i changed my mind. i love paperstar. i have loved paperstar all along. would you like to share your mayonaise with me
boo
I do not recall that I have offered myself up to be shared.
P.S. but maybe.
i love opiopio :)
burnley rocks my socks off
shout 'fuck me and call me betty' if you are from burnley
Have you got three dollars?
Chest hair.
BC lover @ 2:17
That poem was simply beautiful! Where is a hanky where I need one? Shame in me, Lol.
This is simply fun, no? ")
BC dont listen i am bc lover they are imitating me grrrr
will the real mayonaise please stand up
I am from Burnley! who the hell else is? i am in shock?
i stand up
There once was a jedi named yoda
He never got to drink soda
He often made soup
Out of swamp creature poop
And used mud to make his abode-a
ghost, I feel you
burnley rocks my socks said...
burnley rocks my socks off
shout 'fuck me and call me betty' if you are from burnley
December 30, 2007 2:24 AM
who the hell wrote that? that freaked me out!
bc lover<3 you know i love you. maybe we should run off together and eat mayo all night long
BC lover @ 2:23
Then I suggest you change your name. Besides, I have only one lover, not two :)
I am made from only the finest ingredients. Nothing processed and everything organic. Therefore I think it is safe to say that I am "real."
P.S. down with apostrophes!
Do you really feel me, come to me i want to lick your what? complete the sentence then i know its you
*clue its not rude
BC Lover @ 2:25
Maybe you and I should run away together? Forget everyone else. Just you and me against the world
I love hugs!
and crazies.
burnley rocks my socks off.
shame in me you rock my socks off
lets all go to burnley town centre and drink white lightening
Hello BlogBelieve!
Is the answer Texas?
*melts*
*attempts to keep on giving*
*refuses to be shouted down!*
Do you really feel me, come to me i want to lick your what? complete the sentence then i know its you
Is the answer.... Adam?
burnley rocks my socks said...
burnley rocks my socks off.
shame in me you rock my socks off
lets all go to burnley town centre and drink white lightening
December 30, 2007 2:30 AM
what the fuck who is this? Fimble?
*fights for right to paaarty*
wrong answers
The real BC lover,where are you?
Bc lover imposterleave bc alone shes mine
*finds a way*
I rock your socks? why thankyou :) i wanna know who you are its freaking me out :/ i dont like white lightning i am not 14 haha
we could sit on a park and drink vodka?
shame in me, now why would a stockfordian think burnley rocks hey.
i love you my burnley bird
Do you really feel me, come to me i want to lick your what? complete the sentence then i know its you
Stamps?
chin, I also remember a nibbled lobe.
That's right. I belong to the real BC lover :)
I love you real BC lover!!
oi!!! im the ghost i found a way already thankyou :)
Uhh that should have read "other ghost"
Shame in me, I'm gonna drink some vodka on new year's. Care to join me? :)
What the hell am I going to do with this way? Jesus.
Nope wrong still your not even close
will YOU please guess?
i should change my name. paperstar the game is up. you know you are marred. your wifewould be devastated and she would have to come beat bc.
wink wink
My ass?
Burnley Bird hahaha :) you scared me for awhile fimble :)
i love me a bit of ghost.
hey ghost over here i want a bit of ghost.
i love the feel of your white sheets
the real bc lover said...
i should change my name. paperstar the game is up. you know you are marred. your wifewould be devastated and she would have to come beat bc.
wink wink
December 30, 2007 2:38 AM
Damn you you missed the heart you fake ass :/
im angry
Bc i love you, i cant tak this moron trying to steal you away its like a bullet through my heart
I suspect that I am lurking quietly in a dark corner of the refrigerator.
Just saying.
Huh?
The absolute real BC lover, I think you and I should get married, my sweet.
*is firm*
Of course mum :) i wouldnt want to be any other place :)
Im rubbingmy smooth white sheets all over your face
i am sorry shame in me i do not know this fimble you speak of.
i bet she is tanked out sat on the park with a bottle of vodka waiting for you so that you can get the local bus to the town to watch all the mess fall out the clubs then go and rob then just cos we are both scallies from the north west.
wink wink
I wish it to be known that five of us started the "merriment / condiment" thing and now there are more people doing this and we don't know who they are, therefore I, at least, disassociate myself with anything I, uhh, don't know who it is or what they're getting at.
Or something.
If I am to feel this right who is doing the licking?
Aww well, Mayonaise, if you like, I can put you in my refridgerator.
No need to apologize the real BC lover. I love you more than words can say. Let's get married!
Maybe this jerkoff will stop stealing me away from you.
Definitly Bc
You are a queen, in the sunlight you gleen, id give you my spleen... if it meant you were forever mine :)
well i dont think your wife would be very jappy. maybe you should think about your actions. whilst your out bc loving she is sat at home nursing your jar of mayo.
tuh tuh
wink wink
Anonymous said...
If I am to feel this right who is doing the licking?
December 30, 2007 2:44 AM
if you knew you wouldnt need to ask.
*watches you all quietly from the corner, refuses to speak.*
Because anyway, condiments can't speak.
And if you hear them talking to you, you are goddamn crazy.
Shame in me, excellent! I prefer skyy vodka. How about you?
burnley rocks my socks said...
i am sorry shame in me i do not know this fimble you speak of.
i bet she is tanked out sat on the park with a bottle of vodka waiting for you so that you can get the local bus to the town to watch all the mess fall out the clubs then go and rob then just cos we are both scallies from the north west.
wink wink
December 30, 2007 2:43 AM
ahahahaha i be no scallie i say ooo arrr
K's ass said...
*is firm*
True. I do share her pants with you.
I could bounce a penny off you.
We are out and about!
If you're going to throw money, let it be bills, please.
The absolute real BC lover, My love, my soulmate, my one and only....
Will you marry me?
oooo arrrr is for the farmers my burnley lass.
come over to the dark side of town thats were we are.
wink wink and an extra wink just for you
Bc if i had a spaceship we would fly to the moon, we would nestle in the stars and watch our love bloom, we would fly through the sky faster than the arrow through your heart, please marry me princess lets never be apart
All i have is my words but my word you may keep, the love drips from my entity into your beauty so deep
I am quite nice.
P.S. over some deviled eggs.
wow we proposed at the same time its really meant to be I LOVE YOU!!!
Wrong, you are not channeling right, it's all mixed up with your feelings.
Look the obvious answer is lips, but all I sense is fingers or the palm of your hand. It's always so one sided.
I wash my hands of this weirdness.
Hahahaha we shall go robbing see what we can blag haha it will be buzzing my mystery burnley bird hahaha
The real bc lover, that was so beautiful! I think I'm going to swoon. Of course I will marry you! I'd be happy to.
*runs up to the real BC lover and gives them a passionate kiss*
Jack Sparrow said...
I wash my hands of this weirdness.
December 30, 2007 2:53 AM
4th funniest thing all night hahahaha
you are welcome to each other. i ask the question to my self
why
i must be stoned
peace be with you over and out
In other words, goodnight BlogBelieve.
I hope we made some of you laugh. Yes, indeed I do. Because laughter is good and not-laughter is not as good.
Aloha ahiahi.
Your kiss envelopes my senses leaving me numb
in a world of darkness you are my sun.
I shall hold you in my arms and kiss you more and more
my world has meaning like never before
Jack sparrow, this is all for fun.Arrghhh!
The Real BC lover, it is definitely meant to be!
I love you too!!!!
I am proud to be your fiancee :)
the real bc lover (was stoned to begin with) said...
you are welcome to each other. i ask the question to my self
why
i must be stoned
peace be with you over and out
December 30, 2007 2:55 AM
Damn you liar!!!
Night Kapunua nice talking with you earlier :) sweet dreams
shame in me. you know who i am and i am very jappy that i could talk to you. i miss your from your timezones. give england a big smooch from me and remember where there is a park there will always be scallies. so go and big up the scallies.
take a trip to scally r us and purchase the top of the range scally. it comes with a baby called chelsea and gold hooped earing. love you my burnley bird
wink wink
There's no place like home
*clicks heels three times*
There's no place like home
*clicks heels three times*
There's no place like home
*clicks heels three times*
Auntie Em? I had such a strange dream and you were all in it......
Night night K.
The real bc lover, your poem is bringing tears to my eyes. I love you more than anything!
*Gives more kisses to her now fiancee while holds them in her arms*
Night Kapu
My love, forget them. They are only jealous because we love each other so much.
Hello hello dorothy. Welcome to the land of ozzz ^_^
Shame in me, my lovely daughter, you will be my bridesmaid :)
Not as proud as the look on this face, for now i have purpose, i now have a place, in this world so cruel, you are my light, we will sail on our love night after night
and when you are sad and if your heart ever cries, know that im here forever throughout stormy skies, what we have will live forever and a day, you truly are beautiful i just had to say
Who instigated. Look back.
Mya said...
slave children? really?
Well, this should piss you off even more then:
I love fur!
I am on your side girl. She meant to start shit. She got what she asked for.
shame in me. you know who i am and i am very jappy that i could talk to you. i miss your from your timezones. give england a big smooch from me and remember where there is a park there will always be scallies. so go and big up the scallies.
take a trip to scally r us and purchase the top of the range scally. it comes with a baby called chelsea and gold hooped earing. love you my burnley bird
wink wink
December 30, 2007 2:58 AM
By far the funniest thing all night
I have already purchased the scally 5000 its an automatic baby making, cider swigging, potty mouth speaking, greasy haired, tracksuit wearing, violence enhancing, benefit scabbing, scumbag. Its top of the range il send you one over if you like? Hahaha the yanks wont know whats hit them hahahahaha
anonymous.
you speak wisdom
kapu, you was correct.
stand up for your rights
Goodnight Kapu
OK I can talk now?????
Original Punks said...
And last I heard, the majority of her *cough* "experience" *cough* was with, uh, "women"?
J
You are right when you say Lyn - Z is gay, J. I couldn't remember who said it but it was you, yes you are right she is.
Anonymous said...
It must be difficult to live with the amount of anger, frustration, and hurt that you carry with you every day. We all have some of that inside us, but we don't lash out at others who dare to speak their minds when they don't agree with us.
Mayo, my brother, I sincerely feel for you. Whatever happened yesterday obviously hurt and angered you. Go ahead and scream it out, man, that's cool.
December 29, 2007 8:56 PM
I have become intolerant of flippant commentary.
My sweet, I am happy and proud that I had put a smile on your face. Nothing else matters. you are my light, one that will shine brightly for all eternity. You are beautiful as well and my heart belongs to you only :)
Oh yes and who was it that once said that activism is speaking out against thing you think are wrong? Like speaking about animal rights. I remember Frank iero silly me.
OK so Kapu you were right about that but J you were right about Lynds being gay. You were both righ tin a way.
it is not flippent if its true.
What the hell is going on?
Wait there are two of us OK. I know Kapu doesn't like anons but whatever I am one.
Kapu didn't you just say you were anon all night? so there you wre wrong. You cant' say it isn't OK then do it yourself
Your words bring joy to my heart and tears to my eyes
never have i seen such a beauty as yourself, and now i am blinded by your beauty, all i can see is you and as long as you guide me i know everything will be alright.
Real BC lover, are you still here?
holy moly!!
what a conversation!!
very good people, very funny!!
I had a little swim was cooler than expected !
And there is a dead rat in the engine bay of our ute (smell? OGH MY GOD!!!!)- hubby is now attempting removal - not pretty!!
What the hells going on? What are these sponges doing here?
yep suck the fun out of the room. Sponge!!
*hits sponge with baseball bat* haha
still here petal <3
Avenger there was a big fight. J said that Lynds was gay. Kapu was mad because people (like me) were saying it was true but I wasn't one of them yesterday. Just today. Then Mya came in and start shit. Its confusing but it all happened. Then 'Maonaise' got pissed off about the comments.
Hey ergo how are you?
Don't worry real BC lover, as long as I do guide you, I will hope that you will be alright with me by your side. I hold my hand with yours. I will take care of you, my sweet ^_^
Hi there Ergo. There was a rat in the engine? O_0
Anon @ 3:18 thank you for telling me that. How do we know that Mayo got angry because of the comments?
Real BC lover, don't leave me *holds onto you*
"maonaise" seriously? I am drunk off my ass and can spell better. If you want to be taken even somewhat seriously, at least proofread that shit.
good thanks SIM just starting to cook dinner and just got shown dead rat ! well at least it's no longer in the car!
ghost, I'm sorry, so sorry
*tears trickle down cheek*
Hi there Carrie.
Ergo, that sounds nasty! O_o
otherwise, it has been really fun with all these anons earlier on tonight ^_^
Anon,I don't think you have a clue what you are talking about.
BC dont worry i will be back for you, hold on tight but know i wont ever let go, dont fret my sweetest our love is to be so <3 Goodnight lovely
Anonymous said...
ghost, I'm sorry, so sorry
*tears trickle down cheek*
December 30, 2007 3:28 AM
Why are you sorry?
yeah BC we get them in the shed so put out baits and it crawled up and died in the engine bay, sort of under the grill bit below the windscreen on the bonnet.
And you had your haircut? how short?
I don't know if Mayo was pissed on that or not his comment after the post seemed to say it was a person
Goodnight, my love. Please return soon!*blows kisses*
Ergo, yep, I got a haircut. It's about as short as
Posh spice's only a bit longer, and of course, the hair stylists try to make sure that it fits my face shape. I do like it. Thr way I have it now is the shortest haircut I ever had in my life O_0
Oh yeah, I'm engaged as well ^___^
As far as this post is concerned, I think it's not directed towards us, but it does make me sad that he sounds angry :(
Hello all
congratulations on your engagement BC :)
I will try to be a bridesmaid :) gerard way definitly has to be the vicar hehe and then i will run away with the vicar :P or hide under the buffet table with him hahaha :P mwahahaha
hey Martha Jones :) i think i will have to go to bed soon :( time has just flown by :/ its nearly 9am :(
Hello hello mj. Thank you shame in me. Dearest, you shall make a lovely bridesmaid :)
Congratulations BC
what colours will you be going with? any ideas? What will your mystery bride or groom wear? where will be your honeymoon? hehe
ha ha thanks mj. How are you on this late evening?
Shame in me, as for colors, that's a tough one, but I know one of them is going to be red.
honeymoon? Maybe Hawaii or Italy or England. as for bride or groom, I'm not sure what the real BC lover is.
They told me they wanted to have my babies and that's it ^_^
Mayo
I’ve been sitting in my corner pretty much for most of the day just watching and listening to everyone. Can’t say it was all the enjoyable. I’m afraid some of your anger had bounced off the wall of your house and it infecting your guests.
I’ve reread your post so many times I think I know it by heart. Once again can’t say that is enjoyable either. I know you are hurting. I know you are angry. I just don’t know why. Of course you can stop me right now and say it’s not my business. Well that’s true. No wait a minute that’s not quite true. You post and you know we listen. We’ve told you that a thousand times. No, I am not exaggerating. Well here it the thing. We listen and it makes us want to help. However, this is like trying to help a turtle cross the road. You ever do that? I do all the time. I stop in the middle of the road. Get out of my car and carry the damn thing across the road. Then I go to the store come back the same way and what do you know. Damn turtle is right back in the middle of the road. Know why? It’s not because the turtle doesn’t know where he’s going. It’s cause I don’t know where he’s going. Yeah, I did just compare you to a turtle. See you know what you are talking about but hell if I do. I’m just getting out of my corner, trying to help you and in the end you’ll be right back out there in the middle of the road going your own way.
So, why then do I keep trying? Okay stupid just popped into my mind. However, that’s not it. Okay maybe I’m stupid but that’s not what I’m getting at. I keep trying to help the Mayo turtle cause I care about him. I don’t want a car to squash him. Yeah, Mayo turtle has a hard shell but inside he’s a softy. Crap, sorry I just called you a softy. But you know what I mean. When I see that you are upset I feel bad. Does that make me crazy? Nope too late on that one. I’ve been crazy for years. I’ve learned to accept my inner crazy. I like you man. That’s the bottom line. I think of you as a friend. I don’t want you to be upset. I don’t want you to be hurt. About this time you’re probably thinking “I really wish she didn’t want my eyes to blur on all this shit.” Sorry I’m rattling again.
Let me Readers Digest Condense this. I’ve been upset all day because of the post. I’ve been upset all day because of the anger in the house. I feel helpless, I worry about you and I called you a turtle. Yep, that sums it up.
Mayo take care of yourself. I’ll watch from the corner, and yeah I really miss having sdock beside me. If stupid Blogger was a turtle I so wouldn’t help it across the road. I’d be having me some turtle soup.
You are a very special man who has built a very special house. I thank you. Now don’t stand in the middle of the road. Pick yourself up and be happy.
I'm sorry ghost...I thought you would understand.
It may be an alien life form haha will you still love him if he was green? ahahaha
I need to go to bed sweetest BC have a nice afternoon, morning, night whatever :)
and hope to see you back tomorrow :) take care everyone xxx
I do understand, but im the one who should be apologising arent i?
Shame in me, if he was an alien, I would still marry him. I hope you will be here tomorrow. I might, but it depends. I have to take care of my knee and ankle first.
Sweet dreams my lovely daughter. Now,Give a kiss to your dear old mummy ^__^
Hello sim and elena. BC I'm well
time for dinner, see you all
elena that is perhaps one of the most apt comparisons ever!
we try to help but have no idea where he is going. So do we help or hinder?
The feeling in the house is a shame, it seems very tense, Maybe it's the new year approaching? Maybe it's a bit of cabin fever.
I hope we resolve it all, I'm sure we've all experienced worse and come through it
Mayo wishing health and happiness , to you and yours
Much love
xx
elena that was a lovely post and i love the turtle analogy :)
You are such a sweet lady bless you <3
Hope you feel a little better soon elena, i know its hard not to worry about mayo, but you know he probably writes his worries away and feels a lot better for venting. Dont let it hurt you Love :( (((hugs for you)))
How come Sdock cant come into the house i dont understand? Fill me in?
No. There is no need for apologizes.
Just pretend you are tightly embraced.
That's good mj. Take care Ergo. Hi there elena
Kisses to Mummy BC *Mwah Mwah mwahh* hahahaha nite nite. Hope your leg and ankle get better :) Hope the fun today has cheered you up too
I pretend that all the time whether you want me to or not i still hold your hand in mine.
Can we ever start over?
Kisses to daughter *mwah! Sweet dreams shame in me, and thank you. My leg should heal within another day or so. I hope. Oh yeah, the fun earlier on definitely cheered me up and my fiancee left a message on my blog too! ^__^
Night night sweetie *hugs*
love,
mummy.
Blogger is a SOB
You can hold my hand.
*walks up to you. Look at your eyes and smiles*
*cups your cheek with the palm of her hand, and strokes*
indeed it is mj. Blogger is a fucking little bastard. Grrr!
^_^
Thankyou i feel it i wish it didnt have to be like this though, you get what i mean?
Ghost, are you and anonymous in love or something?
What's up with the romance novel playing out in the background. I feel like I'm watching a soap opera
i will always be in love, nothing will ever change that. I dont know how to carry on without you, i wish that we could start over, i wish so bad
Same here mj, except I have a "wtf?" look on my face right about now.
I don't know what to say
you can carry on, darling, you must...I know you can
*gently kisses your neck*
*tears running down her cheeks*
I have to go
Go but remember I love you with every breath and every second that goes by. I will savour the feeling of your lips on my neck, the shivers that consume me i wont let them turn into tears. I will keep them safe. Goodbye
It's almost four in the morning, so I must say my goodnight to you MJ, ghost, and anonymous. Take care and sweet dreams. xoxo
Goodnight dear Mayonaise. I am not good with words, but my support will be here whenever you need it. I know you can pull through, no matter how angry you may seem. Somehow I wish I could make it better, but alas, all I can offer is my support, and my hugs. I'll be here for you. Always. All my love to you and the rest of the family.
Goodnight BC
AMANDA
Amanda?
Anonymous said...
Suicide is painless.
December 29, 2007 8:46 PM
Manic Street Preachers huh? Now that is interesting.
Well what the fuck have I missed?
O_O
xoxo cupcake
Good Morning Mayo,
Just wanted to come out of the corner a moment to say hello. It was strange here last night to say the least.
Hope today is better for everyone.
People and turtles alike.
Then I go to the store come back the same way and what do you know. Damn turtle is right back in the middle of the road. Know why? It’s not because the turtle doesn’t know where he’s going. It’s cause I don’t know where he’s going.
NICE! ^_^
*Creeps in quietly*
*whispers*
Hello?
Silence.....
*SHOUTS*
HELLOOOOO????????????
GOOD MORNING MAYO!!!!!!!!!
*Hauls ass out the door*
*Creeps back in*
I can never stay away.
Well what else is an insomniac to do?
Mayo you always leave your door open or they key in such a predicable place I just have to pop in and eat your food!..... I mean say Hello...
This is my feeble attempt at hoping you'll read this, smile and think "wow, what a dumbass"
*settles down on couch*
Here in Australia it's 3:11am on New Years Eve, how strange that 2008 will begin earlier for me than for you.
*Lies down on couch*
I think I'll just have a little nap while I wait....
It's quiet in here....
Too quiet....
God, what film is that from?
Maybe no one can get in and that's why it's so quiet...
Oh god! I'm locked in!
HEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh for Pete's sake!
MAYO, I put some pasta in the freezer, heat it up before next Wednesday or it'll go bad.
XOXO cupcake
Hello why is there no-one here? Cupcake are you still here, shall i get help to pull you out of mayos?
Hello
Never fear!
CUPCAKE is here!!!!!!!!!!!
*flying bear hug tackles for all*
I bet everyone has gone....
Well...... FUCK!
Hello cupcake
MJ!!!!!!!!!
*cries with relief*
How are you?
Hello Mayo, you say you put your faith in someone and they let you down. I feel that I have been the one who has been disappointing people, I have disappointed myself.
You know me by a different name. I closed off my profile and blog as I felt it had become irrelevent.
I have been absent for a short while as I felt I needed the break. I have decided to comment here while it is quiet as people have expressed worry for me and I wouldn't want anyone to worry on my behalf. I'm sure everyone here has much more important things to be worrying about than me. The fact that they are worrying about me makes me teary for two reasons. 1, that they are such wonderful people and I feel so lucky to know them and 2, that I am a stupid bitch who has put them in this position once again.
I have depression you see, right now I am having a shitty time. In recent days, I have found it harder and harder to converse on these blogs. Time and again, I find my hands hovering over the keys only for me to let them drop once more as I realise for the hundreth time today that I have nothing of use or interest to contribute to the conversation.
I know by now you must all be sick to the back teeth of me whinging and fed up of my boring attempts at joining in. I have started to bore myself.
It has been a demoralising time in my life and this week it has reached a head. I left my last job to spend time with mum after her breast cancer diagnosis. Luckily she is fine now. I have been unemployed for a year now. I have been trying to think about what I actually want to do with my life and do you know what I decided? Fuck all. I know less now than I did a year ago, how depressing is that.
I have been offered a place at university to do a degree in History and Archaeology. I shall have to turn it down though as I cannot finance it. As I have done a degree before, I cannot get any loans.
I tried to get onto a photography course at college but it was all booked up.
I have been on a handful of interviews but not got the job. They have been jobs I didn;t want anyway, I just felt like I should be trying.
I have decided that I want to do a course that would enable me to teach English to foreign students, this will have to take a back seat to finding a crappy job now though.
Things have reached a head. I am up to the limit on my credit card now and the savings I have been using to pay the credit card bills is now depleted. I have to get a job as of yesterday.
I know some of you might think that I could have got off my arse more to find a job. As well as my depression, I live next door to an alcoholic who plays his music loud all night. I grab sleep as and when. I don;t have regular sleeping patterns and being able to get up in the morning to go to a job is out of the question. I shall have to look for jobs with afternoon and evening shifts.
The council are trying to help us with our nuisance neighbour. They put in a recording box to capture the noise a few weeks back. But by law they have to warn him that they are doing so, so as you can imagine, for a week he was quiet. Nothing was captured. You are only allowed these boxes three times so judging when to have them then going on the waiting list for them is a game in itself.
People here will notice that for someone in the UK, I am up pretty late. That is because while not in a job, I have ended up following the neighbours sleep pattern of music till 5-6:30am, sleep till the afternoon, start again with the noise in the evening.
As you can see, my energetic get up and go to find a job got up and went and left me here with my eyebags.
So as you can imagine, with no sleep, depression, and no idea what i want to do with my life, a job hasn't happened as yet.
It has to now though cos the cash has run out. My darling sister is gonna come with me next week as we head to the agencies in town. I need an imediate start job, I don;t have the time to be messing with application forms. Also I need the afternoon shift jobs. Wish me luck with that. I will end up doing a crappy soul destroying job but it has to be that way for now. It won;t help my depression but then again, what does (pizza and football but not much else).
This place used to be my daily escapism, for hours each day the crappy real world didn;t exist and I could talk to the most wonderful people. I have never done this before, I have never talked to people online until I came here. In the begining, I lurked for a couple of weeks before summoning the courage to join in. I'm glad I did cos I had so much fun and it felt like an amazing family.
Lately, my feelings have changed. We have mean anons that come here just to launch personal attacks. That is bad enough, we deal with anons. Now it seems that "regs" are hiding behind the anon name to slag off other regs. Pepole have told me for a while that this has been happening and I covered my ears cos i didn;t want to believe it, but in recent days I have seen it to be true.When and how did it come to this? Where did the family spirit go?
It also seems that when nice anons appear, because we have suffered at the hands of mean anons, people are reluctant to speak to them. Not only that though, they try to actively discourage others from having what was a nice conversation with an nice anon. I for one would like to think that I can speak to whomever I choose without being told by others.
We have to remember that this place doesn't belong to us. We have no right to try to decide who belongs here and who doesn't. This is mayo's place, not some domain for others to take charge of.
Also, this is mayo's place. It doesn't belong to Gerard way, it belongs to a blogger who calls them self mayo. It is a place where a lot of MCR fans found each other. I enjoy as much as the next person a talk about MCR, but day after day, the same discussion over and over and over leaves me with nothing to say. At times, I type something only to delete it again cos I have said it 20 times before. I am not trying to tell anyone what they can and can't talk about, I'm just trying to explain why sometines I feel as if I have nothing left to say.
I have felt this feeling more and more these days as talk of Gerards marriage descends into anon attack which descends into regs arguing. Often I look at this screen shaking my head and thinking once more "I have nothing to say". It is upsetting to witness. I feel helpless at times.
This place was a refuge for me, it is becoming another instigator of depression. I feel as if I can't talk about it because no one else feels the same and they will think that I am always moaning. I don;t want to be always moaning but alas, I feel that I am.
I know that my conversation is becoming boring, I bore myself. Boring or moaning is all I seem to do these days. I feel like it is wrong to subject you to this. That is why I find myself speaking less and less here. Yes, I have depression but I have no right to drag the rest of you down too. You all have problems and you don;t want to be listening to mine.
I am just so sorry that you worry about me cos I shouldn;t keep putting you in the position of worrying. I looked at the comments on my blog the other day, they all consist of "I am worried about you, are you OK?, What is wrong?" over and over. I thought to myself "is that the only reason people look at my blog" and it seems to be the case.
I made my profile private cos I didn;t want anyone to feel that it needed to be swamped with those kind of messages again, also cos it was irrelevent. My latest blog was a heiroglyphic message of goodwill to you all. It took me a while to depict the letters. I added them clickable to make it easier to view. Although I had multilpe comments on my blog, I doubt a single one of them even bothered to look at what I had written, none of the comments referred to it. I realised then just how irrelevent the few things I did have to say had become.
Just before I left, I tried to join in the convo at DM. I was ignored and talked over so I gave up. Time and time again while I am on AIM with Entropy, we talk to each other and say "I commented at such and such but everyone ignored me". We tell each other when we have commented just so that we can acknowledge each others comments as no one else does.
Having nothing to say and being ignored when you do is what ultimately led me to stay away. Yesterday my uncle and cousin came to visit. I spent the time with them and it was a blessing not to even look at the computer.
They are still here today. They have all gone to my aunts but I am too depressed to do the big family thing. There will be too many of them there and I can;t force happiness and laughter. Instead of bringing them all down, I have decided to stay away. I feel the same way about my blog family. I don;t want to bring you down so I'd better stay away.
I just wanted to let the good people who have asked after my wellbeing know what is going on in my head.
Also, me and DG have exchanged phone numbers and have been in contact by text. I haven't got round to answering emails yet but I didn;t want any of you to think that I was answering hers but not yours.
I hope that said it all.
I'm alright cupcake and how are you
Miss t come back
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