Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Well tempered.

“Something with poison in it, but attractive to the eye, and soothing to the smell.”
-Wicked Witch of the West, The Wizard of Oz





Once upon a fork in the road...

In the corner a ratty green sofa sits butted up against a water ring stained end table. There are at least four three inch burn holes in the snagged, stained fabric. Heavy, dark drapes cover the window. The time of day is a complete mystery to anyone who has spent any time here and time is all but spent.

The sofa, the room smells like piss and acid. Pizza boxes, broken plastic forks and unwanted, half-eaten food are surrounded by empty beer bottles and overfilled ash trays. A bent spoon sits on the coffee table.

Around the corner, the kitchen cupboards are bare, the fridge empty. It’s water and anti-acids for dinner; anything else would be a waste.

“Have you seen your family?”

“Well, you should. I know they miss you.”

The visit was brief and I was grateful to have had the opportunity, but for some reason I can’t help but be thankful for decisions I made long ago. I emerged almost unscathed, at least in that respect. I wish there was more I could do.

"Call me if you need anything."

In that dark room past, present and future all at once delivered upon us both, redemption.

"Yeah, I will."






p.s. it is round there aren't any sides.

5,047 comments:

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mya said...

Or me?

mya said...

Yes!

mya said...

Madam Mya at the top!

ergoproxy said...

YAY MYA!!!!

*happy dance with you*

mya said...

I like it on top...

mya said...

Thanks, Madam Ergo!

Anonymous said...

Hey Amy, ergo, elena, Mya

sdock10 said...

Mayo,

How are ya? Thank you for the new words. I hope you're in a good place. Me? Well, I'm getting there.

I love your quote. It's kind of a scary one though, kind of the way the world is. Don't you think? Temptation is a motherfucker and it's everywhere, right? Just saying...

Oh come on, how else would I say it? There's gotta be a "fuck" in there somewheres when it comes to me.

Shit, I should have apologized in my opening paragraph for typing this to you on God knows how many miligrams of cold medicine. I'm not sick, but I'm not 100% and I gotta knock it out before it takes me out.

Fork in the road, huh? Jeez, well that's enough to do me in right there. Knowing me, I would just sit in the middle and wait for someone to come by and tell me which one I should take. That's the way I roll, dude. Unless, of course, I had a friend who would walk it with me and they would probably choose a road, and I would do my best to talk them out of it and explain why the other road looks like the better, safer choice. Because, again, that's how I roll or sit, or whatever. You get the idea.

I guess what I like most about this post is that I can see myself in either role. I've seen some of the things you described because I have been in that room as both a resident and a visitor. I'm somewhere in the middle, floating around. It's comforting and scary as fuck all at the same time. I'd like to think that if I found myself back in that room again, I would be strong enough to take in my surroundings and be able to get up and walk out, but I also know that I have moments, when I am at my weakest and lowest point, that I want to run back into that room and lock the door.

It's an awesome feeling to know that I would have people hot on my heels and they would keep me from slamming that door by throwing their body in between. And even if I did manage to somehow lock that door, they would beat on it constantly or break out a window or two to get to me.

So, yeah, there is past, present, and future in there, back there. Things I can't change, things I did change, things I should change, and things that I won't ever change.

I wish the room was a hard place to find, but it's not. Because the room can't be found off some beaten path down some long and winding highway in some creepy hotel/motel apartment house basement, it's right here in the back of my mind.

Or the front...

Depending...

Anyways, I hope you can make sense out what I meaning to mean.

Love to YOU Always,
S

p.s. Almost, but not quite.

sdock10 said...

Oh good grief...I'm meaning...not I meaning.


That's what you get when you write a fucking book, Solly!



Hi Mya, I saw you came in while I was typing my thesis.

Now, I am out again.

Have a great one!

sdock10 said...

of what I'm meaning.

Gah, I'll stop now for real.

lewishasfallensloppydead said...

Ya know what Mayo, you piss me the fuck off.

Why?

Because whenever you write of this ugly shit I Always feel you are speaking of yourself. Even if you do everything but deny it.

And that makes me livid.

Why again?

Because you are fucking smart enough to know better. That is why. I may read into things incorrectly, but even when I am told so -I still doubt that I am wrong. And I am loosing my faith in humanity that we are still worth the effort. There are ways to save ourselves. We don't have to wait for someone to come and do it for us. I know it's not easy, but it's not slaying a fucking dragon either. Step the fuck up. The only magic left in the world it what's laying dormant inside of us. And we are the only ones to fucking blame for that.

So anyway, I hope everyone is well. Whether or not you bring your misery on yourself. I am in mood tonight, clearly. And I can't stay to chat even if I Was socially warm to it. I will come back and backread everyone properly when I have a chance. Again, hope every body is good. -Miss and love you guys. Honestly. <33

ergoproxy said...

HI Lewis

and Bye Lewis

The only magic left in the world it what's laying dormant inside of us.
I like that

Anonymous said...

Hi and bye Lewis. Goodnight solly

ergoproxy said...

goodnight sdock sweet dreams

Anonymous said...

ewwww Bam Margera wanted him and his wife to have a threesome with Ville Valo. Bam's wife was having none of that, so it never happened.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck? Where did you hear about this anon?

Anonymous said...

BC,

Bam was on Howard Stern this morning talking about it.

Anonymous said...

Eww. If I was his wife, I'd say hell no to that, and I'm glad she didn't went through it. I bet Ville didn't like the idea either.

ergoproxy said...

why does Bam feel the need to share that with the world?

Amyranth said...

*yawns and rubs her belly*

Oh, thank god tomorrow is payday.

Amyranth said...

Ergo, you're right. The capitalization feels very different.

I like it!

Anonymous said...

BC,

Bam said that he thought it would have been fun but awkward the next morning. Bam's wife said that she wouldn't even consider it and turned both of them down on the offer.

Anonymous said...

Bams wife has brains

Ergo, spot on as usual.

ergoproxy said...

"fun but awkward the next morning"....well give the man a banana for that incredible insight!

Anonymous said...

Exactly ergo. That was something I didn't want to know about.

Anon, that was very wise for her to say no.

Hallo Amy!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha Ergo. This is a guy who drives in the snowy and dangerous mountains in Europe with his $300,000 car and throws trash cans at his friends.

He has no brains.

Anonymous said...

for Martha

i like you

crazy but it feels alright
every day and every night

Anonymous said...

'she didn't went' lol... Only BC.

Anonymous said...

Hi there britney anon

Anonymous said...

hello Bleeding Chaos. i like you too.

i'm not that innocent

ergoproxy said...

hi anon

Anonymous said...

Thanks Britney anon. You make me laugh :)

Amyranth said...

Bloody ankle.

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with it amy?

ergoproxy said...

what happened amy, not literally bloody I hope?

Anonymous said...

hello Ergoproxy

why Bleeding Chaos?

intoxicate me now

Anonymous said...

It's the lyrics itself Britney anon. they're cornball shit, and thus, it makes me laugh ^_^

Amyranth said...

I fell off a ladder at work carrying a shelving unit for a customer, and I landed on my ankle the wrong way.

I've only sprained it though.

Anonymous said...

she is very popular Bleeding Chaos. i like cornball too.

Please, I’m not quite ready for that next level

Martha Smith-Jones said...

DON'T FORGET TO WATCH PUSHING DAISIES! IF IT IS TO LATE FOR YOU TO WATCH IT TONIGHT WATCH IT NEXT WEEK!


That is all

later

Amyranth said...

O_O

*turns on the TV*

ergoproxy said...

oh ice it and keep it up amy, strap it if it's bad

Anonymous said...

hello and goodbye Martha Jones

i'm a slave for you

Anonymous said...

She is anon, but I think right now it's because a lot of people feel sorry for her with all the crap that's been going on with her life.

I kinda feel sorry for her.

I hope your ankle gets better soon Amy.

Hi and bye mj.

ergoproxy said...

hi MJ!

ummmm it's not on here????
NOOOOOOOO

I can't follow the command!!!!!

forgive me!!!!!!!

Amyranth said...

BC, it should, I've been walking on it most of the day now, it's just... tense I guess?

Ergo, I didn't think it was safe to wrap a sprain. Someone told me once that I shouldn't.

Carrie said...

Why wouldn't you wrap a sprain? I say throw some Icy Hot on that bitch and wrap it up.

ergoproxy said...

you can after you've treated it with ice and elevation.
you should't while it's still swelling and very tender.
But proper strapping will support the ankle and stop more pressure on the injured area but making you not move it

ergoproxy said...

but = by

Carrie said...

Hey Ergo! The sudden capitalization is kinda strange. Blogger is weird with the subtle changes like that.

Amyranth said...

I say throw some Icy Hot on that bitch and wrap it up.

The mental image I just got... O_O

Ergo, I don't think it's swelling anymore, it definitely hasn't gotten any bigger since I got home at 6:30. Maybe I should have a hot bath and wrap it up then. I just need to find a tensor bandage.

Carrie said...

Tensor bandage? Is that some fancy Canadian word for the beige colored stuff you wrap around and secure with little metal clippy things?

Amyranth said...

Carrie, you just aced your Surprise! Canadian Lingo test.

-A

ergoproxy said...

cold amy
keep the ankle cold
heat will make the inflammation worse
keep it out of the hot water if you can, then an ice pack and sit with it up, higher than your heart if possible, lie with it on a stool or up on pliiows
then after you ice it (10 mins on/ 5 mins off) for a while you can strap it

Carrie said...

Hee, I get a lot of practice with various lingos. Miss T tests me regularly in chat, and I think she's decided I watch a leetle too much BBC America.

ergoproxy said...

oh and Hi Carrie!

we call them elastic bandages, and I do love those clippy things, except don't you always seem to have one with teeth missing or bent flat

Carrie said...

Did anyone else's gadgety things on their blogs mess up? I just had to mess with the countdown clock I have for Ghost's deballage, I was just wondering if it had anything to do with Blogger fucking around today.

Amyranth said...

Ergo, or only one when you need two?

Damn, keep it cold? Well, I suppose that's what beer's for.

Anonymous said...

Hi there carrie

Carrie said...

Hey BC!

Carrie said...

I keep forgetting to tell y'all I have a job interview tomorrow. Nothing spectacular, just the deli/bakery area of the store I regularly shop at. I can't decide if I really actually want a job or not though.

Amyranth said...

Carrie, why not? A job's a good thing to have, it keeps you busy.

What with your kids and going around with dangerous drivers though, I can see your concern!

Glad to hear Al's okay.

BRB, baffin.

ergoproxy said...

oh that;s good carrie, when do you ahev to decide?

Anonymous said...

Aw good luck with the job interview Carrie.

ergoproxy said...

have

*sheesh!*

Carrie said...

Well, I guess I'm not 100% sure they will offer me anything, but I do have a lot of experience, and it's holiday season and all. I just want something really part time, my family is way too used to mom doing everything for them. I just think it would behoove me to get out of the house a bit and maybe meet some more people. I've pretty much been slowly turning into a hermit. :) And thanks for the good luck wishes BC! And have a nice bath, Amy.

ergoproxy said...

oh we have a storm warning again

look at all the pretty colours!

Carrie said...

Oooh pretty, and I just love the city names. We have snow here. :)

toujours said...

hello everyone.

it's kinda weird, but neat to watch your weather, ergo.

and good luck tomorrow carrie. it's always good to have something to get you out and about. that has many more benefits for us than we realize.



mayo, elena texted me this afternoon with the news of your new post, so i was eager to get online and read it. it's given me a lot to think about this evening.

Carrie said...

Hey TJ!

Carrie said...

I think the post is pretty vivid and disturbing, but as always, thought provoking.

ergoproxy said...

Hi TJ!


it is rather pretty

Anonymous said...

Hi there TJ.

Those are some pretty colors Ergo.

toujours said...

hi there carrie, ergo and bc. :)

disturbing is a good way to describe it carrie, but not in a worrying way, you know? more like bringing you close to something uncomfortable.

ergoproxy said...

at least I won't be driving in it tonight!
last nights driving with the lightning was enough for me for some time

Carrie said...

I do not enjoy driving in inclement weather. Even after being here almost 20 years, driving in the snow and ice still kinda freaks me out.

toujours said...

ergo, when you see lightning you just need to cheer zeus on, and then you won't be so afraid.

*flash of lightning*

\0/

go, zeus, go!!



*multiple flashes of lightning*

oooooh, well done, zeus. bravo!

*applauds*



see? like that. :)

Carrie said...

I have that new Beyonce song stuck in my damn head and it is driving me insane. I don't even particularly like the song, but I was watching this vid and it got stuck:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6ExgUW6ak8

as always, apologize for lack of clicky skills, I understand what I'm supposed to do, I truly do, but I can never make it work!

ergoproxy said...

ok that wasn't quite my response Tj
it was more, look ahead at the road, turn muse up really loud and sing along loudly while trying to ignore large bolts hitting the ground turning sky pink thinking "please god don't let my car get hit by lightning"

Carrie said...

but aren't cars safe, because the metal shell absorbs the lightning or some such? I mean, trust me, I wouldn't want to be the one to test that theory. :)

toujours said...

lol ergo, next time you're safe and sound (and not in a car), try my advice. it makes a difference, you'll see!

Carrie said...

Oops, just noticed it's pumpkin time for me. Goodnight ladies, have a pleasant day/night. :)

ergoproxy said...

yeah it actually is safe, lightning is attracted to the metal so it won't ever pass into the car, even if windows are open.
Still though I know that in theory....the thought of it happening is not really pleasant

ergoproxy said...

goodnight Carrie sweet dreams

TJ if he puts on a display tonight I will be happy to cheer!

Anonymous said...

Goodnight carrie sweet dreams

toujours said...

good night carrie. :)

good, ergo! make me proud!

ergoproxy said...

oh TJ thanks for the dentist related vibes last night he ended up saying come back in 6 months when the other front tooth is through as well
though she wasn't really relaxed apparently, at all
hubby said she jumped when the dentist moved the chair and was stiff as a board, poor thing
so hopefully the other tooth will help push them out

toujours said...

i was looking at pictures of zeus after i mentioned him, and that lead me to this amazing site! it's called theoi.com, and it's purely a resource site for the greek gods, titans, heroes, etc.

it's amazing! and they have a gallery with a thousand images.

i'm looking at a beautiful apollo right now. ♥



i don't have any agreements or arrangements with any of the olympian deities, but apollo and athena were the gods of my childhood. it's so cool to find this site. :)

toujours said...

oh you're welcome, ergo -- i hope it goes better next time. it's so scary to have someone poking around in your mouth when you're a kid.

ergoproxy said...

wow quiet afternoon or night or whatever tinme it is

I have to go and titor for a while (though never sure if it is much good in this case)

be back in an hour and a half or so if anyone is still about

otherwise sweet dreams and I'll see you after work tomorrow

Anonymous said...

Enjoy titoring ergo. Take care

toujours said...

yes, it is quiet.

see you later, ergo.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

damn IT Britney anon now I have that song crazy stuck in my head.

I thought I liked that song. But than I heard it. It sucked.

Anonymous said...

Hi there mj

toujours said...

hello there, martha.

mya said...

Hi!

I need help!

Anybody ever mailed anything to Great Britain from the US?

mya said...

I've got a box that is approx. 5x5x6 and weighs 10 ounces.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello bc and tj

Anonymous said...

Hi there mya. Sorry, can't help you there :(

mya said...

Hi, TJ, BC, Martha!

toujours said...

hi mya, last time i mailed anything to the u.k., it was just letters, and i used two regular stamps on them.

i think there's a special form of postage you can get from the post office for international mail -- check out their website.

mya said...

I think I'll just go the post office tomorrow...

mya said...

Damn computer locked up on me!

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello Mya sorry can't help you

mya said...

I always get screwed with the shipping of stuff... pisses me off...

mya said...

Hey, Martha! I actually got one of those fancy Neutrogena Skin Rejuvenatory thingies... I gave the Wave to my daughter.
I actually like them both.

toujours said...

okay, i'm giving up.
good night everyone.

mya said...

G'Nite, TJ!

Anonymous said...

Goodnight TJ, sweet dreams.

mya said...

BC, why are you up so late?

mya said...

Guess you're not...

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Goodnight Tj


Mya I just started using the wave again. Some of the medication I was taking when I was getting bad headaches really made my skin break out bad and nothing was helping.

Anonymous said...

Mya, I'm always up this late. Right now i'm talking to someone, so I'm going back and forth here.

mya said...

Yeah, I'm always up late these days too...

Martha, that Wave really works, doesn't it? I loved it!

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Before the medication it really made my skin look nice.

mya said...

Did it help clear up what the medication messed up?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Once I stopped taking the stuff it helped and got rid of my stressful job that was causing the reasons that I needed to be on the stuff in the first place.

mya said...

You changed jobs?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

I quit my job. It was affecting my health to much. I wasn't sleeping anymore and I was taking all kinds of pills. Every time they fixed one problem something else would pop up.


It went from headaches to breathing problems to sleeping problems to constantly being sick.

mya said...

I know how that is, Martha... It's a bitch, for sure! You know I lost my job, right? Well, I suddenly realized something just last week - I'm no longer agitated and ill all the time. That place just sucked the life out of me.

mya said...

And life's too short to live like that! I just wish I had gotten out earlier...

mya said...

I keep hearing funny sounds...

It's creeping me out...

toujours said...

mayo,

i read your post tonight and heard you describing a visit to an old friend, perhaps someone you once had a lot in common with, until you got out, until you went out and let the crucible of the world touch you.

it made me think of the people i went to high school with. i wouldn't know if any of them are living in the conditions you describe here, because i haven't kept in touch with any of them, except for one, and even she has slipped aside again.

does that sound callous? maybe. but when i was in high school, the idea of staying in one place, working at the same job, all of it wearing a rut through my days, that was my nightmare. living a life as confined as that one you describe in your post, to my teenage self it felt like suicide, it gave me a panicky feeling.

i knew i had to leave. i applied for a boarding school in the east when i was 15, but didn't make it in. my main criteria for college was that it be east of the mississippi, and when my folks and i toured the one i eventually did attend, and i heard about their study abroad program, i was sold. i didn't care one bit that it was a catholic college and me a pagan.

that's what your post reminds me of, that trapped endless loop of empty days that scared me so bad. i know that there's something else in your post, something darker, something deeper, but i don't have the experience to read it.

i just know that you're a better person than i for returning for a visit. i left without a backward glance. i only want to look forward.



no one gets out unmarked, but it's what we do with our scars that define us, don't you think?

good night, mayo. thank you for sharing this with us. it's solemn, but somehow, not sad.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

As soon as I stopped going to work I wa able to sleep with out taking sleeping pills. TBH those things had stopped working

mya said...

that trapped endless loop of empty days that scared me so bad.


But here's the thing, TJ - those endless loops of empty days can be so different to so many different people.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

What kind of sounds

mya said...

For me it was my job. For someone else it could be a loveless marriage. See what I mean?

mya said...

Creepy sounds...

Nah... Just creaky stuff... Probably because it is below 30 degrees!!

mya said...

TJ, the endless loop of endless days could be for someone who doesn't have that "special someone", or even my Grandmother who is at assisted living place...

mya said...

At least you got to study abroad...

mya said...

Which broad did you study, by the way?


Just kidding...

Martha Smith-Jones said...

30 below O_O I would die

Anonymous said...

Where are you Mya? The North Pole?

mya said...

I am in South Carolina.

mya said...

Thought you all knew that?

Anonymous said...

How is your finger? Has it healed yet?

mya said...

Mah fanger?

Actually, it was hurting like a sonofabitch yesterday! I imagine I'm going to have a little trouble with it from now on... But the surgeon has only given it a rating of 3%. I'll probably develop arthritis in it... MuthaFu...

mya said...

Let's see, a 3% rating is probably going to bring me a compensation of about... $20

mya said...

Anon, where are you?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Hello anon

Martha Smith-Jones said...

One of my cats is watching me a little to closely. I think he is planning something.

mya said...

Oh, No, Martha!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, still here. Just doing the girlie grooming stuff ^_~

How is your daughter Mya? Well I hope.

Martha I'm pleased to read you are feeling much better. And I see you have a fan as well :)

mya said...

I just hope he isn't like one of mine! He is the literal definition of being pissed off!

mya said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, still here. Just doing the girlie grooming stuff ^_~

You mean, the waxing, plucking, douching?

Anonymous said...

hi there anon

mya said...

My daughter is great, Thank you!

mya said...

It is after 3:00 am... Why am I still up??!!

mya said...

Oh! I know why! Like something my daughter say, "Cause I CAN!!!!!!!"

mya said...

says

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Thank you anon I tis good to feel better I see I do have a fan (Britney anon thank you for the song. EVen if they drive me crazy. That song is still stuck in my head.)

Anonymous said...

No Mya, it's called slapping on the perfumed body lotion.

You're up because you're talking to nice people!

mya said...

Yes, the "night crew", right?

mya said...

perfumed body lotion? Hmmmm...... What you getting ready for?

Anonymous said...

That's a fallacy, there is no "crew".

It's just nice to talk :)

mya said...

Let me ask you a question, anon... May I?

mya said...

I'm definitely not part of any "crew". I've always marched to the beat of a different drum.

Anonymous said...

Mya, nothing, just a nightly ritual. Don't you do anything like that?

mya said...

I might run a toothbrush past my mouth, that's about it...

mya said...

And I'll put on a new Depends...


ROTFLMAO!

mya said...

I'm old.

Get it?

mya said...

I'll slap the shit outta anyone who agrees with that!

mya said...

Where are you guys??!!

Anonymous said...

haha!

Seriously, you can't be that old?

mya said...

I'm pretty damn old, anon!

mya said...

That's what my driver's license keeps telling anyway!

Anonymous said...

Ok, how old? Or should I say young?

mya said...

Why don't you take a guess?

mya said...

I'll give you a Twinkie if you get it right!

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Why isn't skip beat 7 out yet?

mya said...

I'm gonna wake up with another shit-ass headache in the morning...

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a trick question.

You're not easily offended are you?

ergoproxy said...

wow we just had a helluva storm!

we even had little hails, well teeny but still
can stills see clouds off to the west as well


Hi mya
hi anon
Hi Mj

goodnight TH sweet dreams

mya said...

What is skip beat 7, Martha?

ergoproxy said...

TH is of cours TJ

damn

mya said...

Anon, Me? Easily offended? Hell, No!


Hi, Ergo! Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Hey Ergo! How old do you think Mya is?

mya said...

No fair! You're cheating, Anon! Ergo knows how old I am!

Anonymous said...

Hey you never said there were any rules :)

mya said...

There are unwritten laws and rules everywhere

mya said...

AND YOU MUST OBEY!

ergoproxy said...

lol that's cause its not far from me!

mya said...

Anon's not even gonna try to guess...

ergoproxy said...

but you're only as old as the man you feel.....

Anonymous said...

*giggles*

Okay, rules obeyed!!!

*covers eyes and sticks pin on donkey tail*

*makes guess*

I'm guessing you're....3...36!

mya said...

Just what do you want, Anon? I ain't no rich widow woman, so just what's your angle here?

mya said...

Ergo, are you believing this anon?

Anonymous said...

um...no angle *big smile*

mya said...

You may be a bigger smart ass than I am, Anon.


I like you.

ergoproxy said...

I think flattery gets you everywhere anon !!

Anonymous said...

Okay...since we're playing...how old do you think Mayo is?

I'm guessing 52.

mya said...

Why the hell would you guess Mayo's age as 52?!

mya said...

Why would an old fart of 52 be fucking around on Blogger?

Martha Smith-Jones said...

hello ep

mya said...

And the first person that answers that shit is gonna get the shit knocked outta them!

Anonymous said...

Um...let's see.

He had a bit of a plumbing problem earlier on...(you know men in their senior years tend to get that)

...and he's always moaning.

Martha Smith-Jones said...

Because he likes younger women Mya

Anonymous said...

I'm sure there's lots of old farts on blogger!

mya said...

I had a friend that died of prostate cancer at the age of 38.

mya said...

Martha, that isn't a reason... ALL men like younger women.

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