When I was young I was picked on quite a bit. The usual set of circumstances, I was an easy target (smart, quiet, odd, insecure) and once the kids found my buttons they didn’t relent. For a long time I tried to ignore them. I spent a lot of time reading because I thought that with a book in front of my face I would blend into the background. And, for a while I did. From behind those first books I developed my love of the written word. Beginning with the marvels I found in the library and then later the stories I found in my own head. My need to escape elementary school torment helped foster my imagination, I suppose. I need to thank those kids for that.
So anyway, a few times the kids pretended that they wanted to be my friend. A kid would ask if I wanted to hang out on the playground either at recess or after school. The first couple of times I bought it. It was a pathetic display of desperation that, looking back now, makes me laugh. You can see that kid, right?...very awkward, over-filled book bag, disheveled clothes, greasy hair, hopeful smile. I would wait for my friend to show up and of course they wouldn’t and I would eventually trudge home. Sometimes they would gather somewhere along my route and give me a hard time shouting “Who were you waiting for back there?” and “Did you really think we’d be friends with you.” It was worse when they would wait until the next day bringing my humiliation to school to share with the rest of the class.
Why am I telling you this? Well…insight I suppose and also to offer some context that you may draw from for those times when I seem a bit vague (yes, really). I have had to overcome and still battle with some pretty substantial trust issues. Always present in the back of my mind is the voice telling me to watch out for anyone who gets too close because they probably have an ulterior motive that will leave me in a rut. It has taken me a long time and years of therapy to be able to ignore that voice and share even my more simple weaknesses with friends (without the guise of fiction). And, so I share this piece of myself, my past with you.
p.s. I am not sure what you will glean from my palate but my gut holds plenty.
(Not at present: soon and I'll let you know when.)
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«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 400 of 4973 Newer› Newest»Black is always appropriate, Amy. At least that's what I think.
thanks anon
:)
J it's sort of a money making hobby? He would have at least 1 maybe 2 exhibitions a year. He also does set and costume design, not so much since he's retired but he worked full time as a in store design dept manager.
(evil laugh)
ergo, those are great! expulsion from paradise made me lol, and i really liked al fresco. was that statue reaching for her hat? :)
Amy the whole black to a wedding thing isn't a big deal anymore. If it suits the weddings style (cocktail/ black tie etc) go for it
Ergo: gotcha. Would you mind emailing me his name so I could look up some of his other works? If you don't feel you could, I understand, but I'd really like to see more of his talent.
Amy, yeah, I wore black to a wedding almost 20 years ago, it was ok even then. I did accessorize with a yellow scarf, but it was fine. Others had on black, too.
Ergo and Elena, the mild problem is that one is a black Marilyn Monroe dress, the second is black lace over red satin, and the third is black with a tattered skirt.
...
Maybe I should try them on again, and see...
-A
J, a yellow scarf, you say?
I was thinking of yellow. The wedding is indoors, but it's an outdoor reception, so I wanted to wear something light and summery.
But almost everything now that's "light and summery" has ridiculous patterns on it, anyone who drops acid and then sees me in one of those dresses would probably be carted off to the hospital.
Amy, that's assuming someone at the wedding/reception WOULD drop acid, now isn't it? What kind of hooligans do you hang around with? ;)
Just kidding. I already know the answer...
Kapunua said...
One more thing and then I'll quit bringing it up.
Did you ever see Vampire Hunter D?
Do you remember how D had that sentient face on his hand?
Yeah, Mel went there.
O_o
July 28, 2008 12:12 AM
.................
I don't know what to say. HAHAHAA! Funny but weird!
thanks K and TJ
TJ I don't know I hadn't really noticed that
I love Expulsion too, He did one too called Mermaids of Pumistone of a fisherman drowning and being taken by a mermaid but losing one thong (flip flop) this explaining why you only ever find one
I have a pic and I'll see how it scans
your dad has a clever sense of humor ergo. :)
and the snail painting sounds sweet.
J I would if I could but there isn't anything of his on the net that I've been able to find.
It'd be good to do a website for him, if I knew how to
Amy you'd probably have to try them on, you have an nice pants? or acessories could make a difference
Oh, Mayo! A new post! Thank you! And I can so relate! My school years from elementary until maybe the 8th or 9th grade were horrible! And yes, it stays with you, doesn't it?
OK, I don't want to think about that anymore right now... Mama Mia was GREAT! We all absolutely LOVED it and can't wait for the DVD to come out! Just a great "feel-good" movie! You should go see it!
Oh, by the way, "Pistachio and Anchovy" wouldn't be any type of reference to any type of cravings would it? You know, like ice cream and pickles?
Thanks again for the new post!
Mermaid of Pumicetone
Pumicestone Passage is a waterway not far from Brisbane
it's not a great pic I was a bit far away (this was before digital cameras)
That's ok, Ergo, maybe if you can get him a webpage we can all see them then! I have a friend who majored in web design, I could ask her if she'd mind helping you if you like. I could give her your email and you two could talk about it. But only if you want.
It's the other J, J2, by the way. She's really smart, and very very nice. Easygoing.
Hey everyone
Hi Mya
Hi BC, *hugs*. How're you?
Ergo, I really like that one. I magnified it so I could see it better, and it's really cool!
thanks J! I'll check with my Dad next I talk to him.
J, it's a family wedding. Sadly enough, the family I'm there with wouldn't but you never know about the Bride's side.
*is browsing online for dresses*
-A
hey there bc, hi mya. :)
ergo, what an amazing mermaid! so original. will i get to meet your dad when i visit? i'm very good at fangirling over dads. *grin*
Hello everyone.
Whoa, the new post by Mayo is probably the most revealing and the most heartfelt.(if it is true) Not saying it isnt.I dont know. I do know it brought a tear to my eye for you Mayo. It also brought me back to my childhood. A place I do not wish to re-visit but you made me.
You will understand why I say that in one minute.
I was that kid. I dont even believe I am saying this. Elemenatry school was not fun. I too used to throw up in class,(as someone else had mentioned)first grade to get out of the class for a while.(I wasnt the only kid to do that) The teacher was relentless with me. Teacher didnt approve that my parents divorced.
That was the beginning of the end.
When a teacher picks on you, the class goes along. They don't know any better. (I had friends in my neighborhood, don't get me wrong. I was never the total loner).
Was tested. High IQ to the shock of everyone. She needs to skip a grade ahead they said. She is too bored with the work. That certainly didn't help with my peers. Made it worse.
Would have been great. Nope, parents wouldn't have it. So, I suffered with the same kids for many years. Except I had no siblings to go to. No parents to talk to. NO one.
In 8th grade, things changed. I had friends. They didnt go to my school. We did wind up in high school together.High school was better,much better. Had many friends, all different kinds.
The rich kids,the burn outs. The nerds and smart kids. I became a wiseass. Anyone said anything to me, it was on! No one messed with me. I had to prove myself but it was worth it. I would stick up for the nerd girls and a couple of guys who got picked on so they would not have to endure the endless teasing. (at least the girls weren't afraid to go into the bathroom if I was in there)
Because I remembered what it was like.High school was not a piece of cake but it was much better.
Built up those walls around me so high, no one was gonna tare them down,ever! Take into account, I lived in and hung out in rough areas. I learned to defend myself and not take shit from anyone.
BIG mistake. Chip on the shoulder is not pretty. Took a very long time to be able to let people in. Still does to this day. Alot of the wall has been taken down by me. I leave some pieces in place to cover the most vulnerable parts especially around my heart. You carry that pain with you and you never and to "feel" that pain again. I still sometimes go into attack mode first,ask questions later. lol
Not nearly half as bad as I used to be.
Words can cut, hurt and injure as if it were a knife at times. I know. I became good at doing it myself. Words can also heal and take the pain away.
That is why people should be decent to each other.
Hope this wasn't too long.
Thanks, I think Mayo. If I could give you a hug,I would. Like a real one.I have to go. Talk to you all later,maybe.
Hi Ergo, mya, J, *hugs*
I'm on my way back from seeing the dark knight movie. I thought heath ledger put on a hell of a role as the Joker. It was goood
Hi BI HI BC
BI we learn so much from our past,thanks for sharing
I want to see the Vampire Hunter Hand one please!
Hallo BI and BC!
-A
TJ you sure can! He can talk art for hours!! and I'm sure would love some fangirling lol
He utilises imges from overseas travel so we've had asian influences, european and they are off to Turkey and Greece so for sure the next paintings will reflect that
He painted us a huge piece to go behind our couch as the "wall looked bare" it's all browns and ochres and to the left is a balinese statue head and grass sort of waving in the breeze and 3 little sparrows taking flight.
He's handy like that lol
Tear down the wall!!!
that would be awesome ergo, it really would!
i bet it's handy having an artist on standby like that. lol
BI said...
Was tested. High IQ to the shock of everyone. She needs to skip a grade ahead they said. She is too bored with the work. That certainly didn't help with my peers. Made it worse.
Yeah, me too! I was tested for IQ in second grade; at the time it came out 144. I spent 2 weeks in actual second grade before the teachers decided I should be advanced to third. Not a good idea. I could do the work, but I was still younger than the other kids. That...was a problem.
abandoned again
Hi TJ, Amy, B see you later :)
lol BI and J me too though I wasn't upped a grade I was given alternate work
*gives blog a bit of chocolate fudge and some rum ball mix*
there you go, I had to wash my hands, kitchen is a disaster
I did all my third year course work and then spent the rest of the year in the hall redrawing a Vampirella comic and playing with a chemistry set.
Anyway Lovelies, I think I'm going to head to bed. I really should try to get myself back on a normal schedule, instead of the 3am to 11am that I've been sleeping.
Goodnight Lovelies and SS!
*checks the Hall Hat Rack*
-A
1:11 I used to get to sit and read. which I loved, me and 2 boys generally
I used to hog the science books
goodnight amy sweet dreams
good night amyranth.
i've been wandering...sorry blog.
:(
yummy, chocolate fudge and rum ball mix! thank you Ergo!
*feeling much more loved*
I tested in 3rd grade and my parents were told I should advance to 5th grade. I tested again at the end of 6th grade and I was told I could advance to 9th grade. I stayed right where I was both times. I felt strange enough with people my own age. I can't imagine how I would have felt with people years older.
you're welcome blog
:)
I think that's the problem anon the age gap is still pretty wide when you're younger.
One year may not be isn't a huge deal but more can be a problem. And you will lose touch with those your own age, and you may not relate to the older ones (and they not want you to)
It's a big reason child actors end up in trouble, they don't grow up in the normal social circles.
It's easier now with online classes and such for kids to be advanced within a grade, I think it's much better that way
every time i refresh the page, that "pistachio and anchovy" catches my eye. it sounds like an animated duo from a 1930's cartoon.
i can almost see them...
Thanks ergo for the chocolate fudge and rum ball mix. yum.
*now has big choco mustache and smiles*
I need to retire. Thank you for tolerating me. It was enjoyable talking to you all.
wasnt meant for me I stole some anyways from blog! :)
ergoproxy said...
It's easier now with online classes and such for kids to be advanced within a grade, I think it's much better that way
I agree with you, Ergoproxy. Where would one fit in? They would be branded by kids there own age and wouldn't fit in with the older kids. I think if online classes had been an option back then I would have accepted the advancements.
Mayo,
This isn't going to be deep, or poignant or anything like that.
I was bullied as a kid too, under similar ideals. Too smart for my own good, quiet, never made fuss.. Not until I got older anyway.
Because of all that shit, I can't even stand to go back east on vacation. I love my family, but I have such a fear of running into people that used to bully me, that I hate leaving the house. I get self conscious about myself again, and I start to hate the person that I am when I step off the plane.
I had been living here for 2 years before I finally went home to visit. When I did, I was in the mall with some friends when a couple of girls walking behind us recognized me, and began to talk about how much another certain girl hated me, and how badly she'd beat me up in the parking lot if she were here.
I DID get something out of all that bullying. I learned to isolate myself, to become my own best friend. I learned to draw, and to love art in as many forms as possible.
I also learned how to fight.
How to not tolerate bullshit from anyone, anywhere, anytime.
I never will, not from ever.
That's something you can always count on me for, Mayo.
-A
Goodnight anon, amy, sweet dreams. J, if you're still here, I managed to take some pics of Ms. Bun bun earlier before I left. I'll post them tomorrow
Goodnight Amy, see you tomorrow!
I'm about ready to head off myself. So, goodnight Ergo, BC, BI, Elena, TJ.
BTW, the blog says goodnight too and thanks for the goodies. ;)
love, peace, trust, faith
Forgot to say "Goodnight Nice Anons!"
So there ya go.
Time for ni-night.
toujours, some words for you tonight:
Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
good night j. and everyone else who went to bed. sweet dreams. :)
Amy, I was shuffling off to bed, but I will come back to hug you and your awesomeness.
thats ok anon I have plenty here
*passes out a few bits of rocky Road as well*
1:30 a pleasure
1:36 I bet you would have done brilliantly :)
goodnight amy sweet dreams
goodnight and sweet dreams too J
oh, rumi fan! hello. :)
i like that. that sparkles a bit.
thank you!
And BC, thanks! I can't wait to see her. :)
I understand what it can feel like to have problems like that. After my dad died I went into this state where I overeating and cut myself, I even had bulimia for a while. I didn't talk, I didn't socialize what so ever, I just sat there and wrote poems and drew pictures. The kids at school spared no mercy on me. I wish they had known the pain they put me through. My mom's side of the family disowned me and saw me as a "mistake," because they didn't like my father. I was prank phone called constantly. When I was on crutches they tried to trip me. Another time some kid made a bet with his friend to ask me out for 20 dollars. I felt worthless. They even had fowarded e-mails making fun of me. I went into this deep depression state and my brother had bi-polar disorder so my mom knew something was wrong with me. She wanted me to see a therapist but I couldn't trust therapist because they couldn't help my family before when my parents were getting divorced and my dad still killed himself in the end. One day my school counselor approached me and asked me if I needed any help, she probably felt sorry for me.
I felt so alone. I felt no one would ever love me. I thought that I could never fall in love. I just wanted someone to love me and care about me so bad. Then I remembered my father saying that everybody has one true soulmate, it might take while to find them, but everybody does. So that made me think if I do havre one true soulmate, so everytime I wanted to kill myself I wrote a letter to my future soulmate telling them how much I want to be a part of their life and how I want to kill myself but then I think that one day they will love me. I haven't met my soulmate yet, I have had some heartaches and heartbreaks but I know when I do find that future someone I will proudly hand them those letters.
Sometimes, kids don't realize how bad they can fuck you up, to this day I am still scared of introducing myself to someone new because I am afraid of what they'll think of me and I wonder if they'll hurt me too. There will always be moments in life when someone will take advantage of you or hurt you emotionally, they do it because they think they are better than you and they think can overpower you. And, sure, the voice in your head might never go away, it might linger there every moment of everyday. The voice in my head never went away. No medicine or any amount of therapy can undo what was done to me. That voice is a constant reminder of what happened to me, a permanent scar. Then I learn how to put it to good use. I try to help other people who have had problems that test their very sanity. I don't want to sound conceded or vain but I am very proud that I got through what I had to and I still stand on my own two feet, I am proud everytime I wanted to commit suicide I held my own.
As cliche and stupid as it sounds I really do believe what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
No, thank you :)
How are you toujours?
Oh hi everyone and sorry for that super long post.
and amy I bet you could beat her ass anyway ;)
silence dogood, i love your way of coping, how you wrote letters to your future soulmate. that's beautiful.
rumi fan, today wasn't the best day, but it's improved. how are you?
hi silence togood
I really think kids have no idea what they think is innocent can do to people, but speaking about it helps the young today understand, and that is what we hope for
Oh amyranth I am so glad you got something good out fo what happened to you. Being bullied really sucks.
hi toujours and ergoproxy =)
"dogood"
sorry
keep the letters, did you ever think they may have been to the adult you would become?
ergoproxy, maybe that is true, looking back at the letters I realized how sad I was and then I think of how much better I like myself now. In away I am glad I didn't kill myself, because If I did I wouldn't be able to have seen how beautiful and loving the world can be once certain stages of your life are over.
Hi silence, nice to meet you :)
Hi rumi, goodnight J, sweet dreams
hi bleeding chaos nice to meet you too. =)
I'm glad things have improved somewhat for you today, toujours.
Life can seem very much like a roller coaster at times. We just have to hold on real tight :)
My day went well. I spent it with someone special to me.
that's good to hear, rumi fan. days like that are always good. :)
Mayo,
Lucky you, comments from me twice in one night. (Yeah, I can see you rolling your eyes at me, stop that.)
Have you been keeping tabs on your "Lovelies"? Have you noticed anyone else missing? Do you care?
Most of the missing ones were people who care about your well-being, who love you. Where's your trust for them? Do you have any?
Cause if you do, you still have to nurture those relationships.
Goodnight Mayo. Sleep well.
hi rumi
very true SD
it's so hard to see the future and soemtimes getting through the hard time makes it all the more enjoyable, you really appreciate things more I think.
I always think that for the kids I know who did take themselves from life, you want to have had the chance to say "It won't always be like this" but at the time they just cannot see the way
so sad, and I'm so glad you did see the way :)
hey rumi fan nice to hear you had a good weekend
ergoproxy, thanks, now I try as hard as I can to convince people to not commit suicide and be that person to say "It won't always be like this,"
Once an old teacher of mine who absolutely hated me gave me the best advice ever. We were doing this program about teen suicide awareness and she read the suicide note from this boy who I think was a homosexual, anyways it read, "The only way to get the respect you deserve in life is to die," and at first I agreed then she said that people don't realize the finality of their acts, they can't seem to get past the bad problems because they think they aren't strong enough. Now the more I think about, the more I think it's true.
i'm afraid i must get out of here and get to bed.
it was good talking to you all. and thanks again, rumi fan.
good night everyone. :)
Yes toujours, they are *big smile*
I have to go, but I leave you these thought-provoking words.
An empty mirror and your worst destructive habits,
when they are held up against each other,
that's when the real making begins.
That's what art and crafting are.
Goodnight, take care toujours.
Everyone else, be well.
Hello to anyone who is still here.
Op J. Your IQ is quite a bit higher than mine. I think mine was 126 at the time. (I'm sure I have lost some points over the years,teehee) I can relate to what you said though. You said it alot better than I did. I have to be in the "mood" to write something of substance.
Thanks for sharing. It made me realize I'm not the only one.
Amy, I give you alot of credit for going back to your roots and dealing with things. I cannot believe those girls were still saying stupid shit to you. You and me sista would have kicked they asses! You know that right?! Yeah, you do.Just kidding.
The funny thing is the people I thought didnt like me very much did. Not all, I know. I was invited to a reunion and couldn't believe what a warm repsonse I got.
They remembered good times that I forgot. A few sleepovers and some other good times. Made me smile. Warmed my heart I must say.
I have come to realize in the past oh, I dont know 10 yrs or so, people have different experiences,
you can grow and learn from them. Thats what its all about in the long run anyway.
They (the ones you thought were so cool) had many issues of their own. They never showed it. They hurt and have feelings too I have come to find out.
bye toujours
Mayo,
It's been a very long time since I've addressed you personally. I hope this is okay.
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this post, more than you can imagine. It hits pretty close to home.
One thing I've learned about myself is that my own distrust can sometimes cause me to treat people badly. If I shut you out first before you can hurt me or use me, then I can somehow protect myself from the feelings of pain, foolishness, and embarrassment that you are sure to bring me. Because nobody is honest and nobody truly cares, not without a selfish reason.
This leads me to treat people in exactly the same way that I don't want to be treated by them. In protecting myself from hurt, I become the one who hurts others. It's so automatic that I don't even see I'm doing it until it's already happened.
I've been consciously trying to retrain myself to react with acceptance instead of skepticism, but it's such an uphill struggle.
It's always helpful to know that there are other people who have similar issues who are also trying to improve themselves. Makes me feel like I'm not as alone as I often think I am.
So thanks for that. It means a lot.
Andrea
goodnight TJ sweet dreams
thanks Rumi fan
SD the kids I've known who have committed suicide were pretty much over one incident. A breakup, bad news etc. And the two I know who had time to realise didn't think of it in terms of they die and that's it, they are gone, for good and everyone else is left.
It seemed a way to stop the pain at the time.
I think realising the finality is a really important message. And also how much life you have left where things can change so much, and you have so many choices and opportunities.
It's not easy but mostly it's better than the alternative.
Dear SS,
I wanted to share this with you. Maybe you'll get a laugh out of it; I surely did.
The book I'm currently reading is about various royal families of the past few hundred years. It talks about their, uh, unfortunate behavior regarding "partners".
The first chapter deals with Catherine the Great of Russia, and her "one-eyed ex-lover" Potemkin. Apparently this man was huge, ugly, hairy, smelly, and unpleasant. SHE, however, loved him like Monty Hall loved a deal. She'd write him love hotes every 10to 15 minutes (can you believe it?), and she would call him the most ludicrous pet names.
People get angry with me when I call you Precious or Babydoll, but get a gander at these:
my marble beauty
my darling pet
my dearest doll
golden c**k
lion of the jungle
and last but not least, my personal favorite:
my professional bon bon
...I'm thinking "Precious" doesn't sound so bad after all, aren't you?
Oh, BTW, that piece of writing YOU'VE been reading? There's some additions to it, check them out.
Goodnight, Precious (yeah, that IS better). I love you.
My heart to yours, always.
Hi andrea
very true what you said also, fear can make you act in defense before you find out if you need to
and thanks Mayo too, this post has led to some beautiful opportunities for sharing and learning from each other
Hi B, how are you? Goodnight TJ, rumi. Hi Andrea
i agree ergoproxy, thanks for listening and being supportive.
SD you're very welcome
silence. I am glad to hear that you were able to write down some of your inner feelings to the soulmate. I believe that to be true. I am sorry about your Dad but you took something positive he said away with you that is all your own, from him to you.
Kids can be cruel but when you delve deep into their psyche you find out that they are just as messed up as anyone else. Or are dealing with heavy issues they just never admit to and take it out on others.
They have just as much if not "more" to learn that the ones that were bullied or picked on.
Keep that in mind too.
You sound very brave. Not a cliche, things as such do make you stronger. you are proof of that.
Oh and nice to meet you. :)
nice to meet you too, beloved imortal.
My dad's death was under strange circumstances. They claim it was accidental overdose but I knew my dad, I knew how depressed he was. They said if he had taken just the right amount to kill himself. I wish i could've done something but I was too young.
And I agree with you too about them having more to learn.
and thanks for calling me brave, tha means a lot to me.
that* means a lot to me, sorry I am having so many typos today.
mayo,
thank you for posting out of your current schedule. today was a day where nothing went right, and finally i gave up and hid in the guest room with a book. (yes, i really did.)
a new post from you, and such a sweet and heartbreaking one as this, it lightened my spirit. it gave me my first smile of the day.
ok, it also made me want to go all mother hen on you, but i think i have that under control now.
i hope. *grin*
the things that happen to us as kids, even the awful things, they shape us, as surely as any experience. i told you i was a happy kid, remember? i was. none of my insecurities and fears surfaced until later, until my teenage years.
when i was a little girl, i talked too much and made friends with everyone. i did impulsive things that often turned out wrong, but they didn't phase me. i was pure optimism.
but things still happen, even to the bubbly ones. in my case, it wasn't the other kids, but an adult, someone supposed to be taking care of me.
could i wish that had never happened? of course. but it shaped me. it created ripples through my entire life, and brought me to who i am today. in a way, i almost have to be grateful, as appalling as that might seem.
i'm glad that you've learned to see the good you were given in those experiences, and to transcend the bad. and i'm honored by all that you have shared with us here. it's a true gift.
and for some reason, back in grade school, i was always paired up with the kid that sat in the back. every field trip had me and him as line buddies. i didn't mind. he was neat. even then, i liked weird.
i would've held your hand on the way to the zoo, without a qualm, mayo. count on it. *grin*
good night, my friend, sleep well.
there are reasons people bully and they all have to do with their own insecurities or shortcomings
Heloo BC,Amy,Sd,Ergo and anyone still about. Elena, hope you are well.
Goodnight Teeej!
Where has Martha been?! Martha! Come out, please? Oh well. Hello to you. Have missed talking to you.
Hope everyone had a nice weekend?
Mine was too busy. For the next three weekends I am busy. After that, I need a rest! :-)
Ergo, how is your stove?
Mayo
I just got back from a late night drive and while speeding along the highway I gave your post some thought. As I’m sure you’ve read a lot of us here can understand where you’re coming from. Wait, I didn’t say thank you for sharing that with us and I meant to, really. It shows almost a measure of trust. Telling anyone something from your past like that does, you know. Okay, back to my original thought. When you were a child the “cool” kids didn’t accept you. Matter of fact they made you pretty fucking miserable. Yep, I know how that feels. Been there, done that, and could have bought several tee shirts. I was homely and heavy when I was in grade school. I went to a Catholic school and was forced to wear the most hideous uniform imaginable. Oh and did the kids have fun calling me names. Lucky me - my last name was easy to rhyme with hateful words. And I heard them all. I felt them all.
I think the difference between us is I didn’t let those people ruin the way I looked at others. I didn’t let them take away my ability to trust. Not that it wouldn’t have been easy. Ever invited to a party that took place the night before? Yeah, that was a good trick. Still each time someone was nice to me I let my self believe they were sincere. Now lots of people would say this makes me a glutton for punishment. Maybe. But deep down I need to believe in the inherent good in people. Of course I’ve been wrong many times. To this day I still put trust and faith where they don’t belong. And when that happens my husband will gleefully point it out to me. But that doesn’t stop me. I trust and believe until someone proves I’m wrong to believe. Only then do I admit that I’m wrong about them.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is this. I’m sorry you were hurt. I’m sorry they caused you to have trouble trusting people. But, Mayo, do you realize that if you are still having trouble trusting that you are letting those kids still hurt you? Okay lets look at this another way. We grow up and leave all that school shit behind. The same thing still happens. Everyday you meet people who seem to like you. Some of them honestly do like you. They don’t like you for anything you can do for them - they just like you. And some, well it’s back to the same old shit but this time with a twist. You get invited to sit with the cool kids at their table but in truth you would be better off if they’d ridiculed you. Because you’re just there to further them along.
Now it seems like I’m really contradicting myself about trust but I’m not. To trust people is important. You’ll know soon enough if that trust is misplaced. But to just not trust people on principal? You miss out on knowing a lot of really good people.
Okay, I’ve got one final question then I’ll stop. Just ask yourself this – If I could go back in time would I want to be different? Would I want to fit in with those “cool” kids? Because honestly, remember how they made you feel. If they did it to you, they did it to others. Would you want to be a part of that group so that you weren’t hurt? You were right when you said you should thank them. You really should. They showed you how not to treat people.
Trust people, Mayo. Believe in them and if they fail you then it’s their own doing and there is nothing that you can do to change that. Don’t be afraid to believe people like you for you. You may have your bad days but you have a good heart. Some say trust is earned. I give trust until it is broken. But then, I’m sorta crazy, you know.
Night Mayo
Elena (it really was an ugly uniform)
ergoproxy said...
there are reasons people bully and they all have to do with their own insecurities or shortcomings
July 28, 2008 2:38 AM
Bingo! right on target as usual ep! :)
hi elena, and bi :)
everybody whoever bullied me, backed off when I finally told them what i thought about them, sure it got me into trouble, and sure it took me a while to love myself enough for me to be able to do that but I think they needed a serious reality check.
I think they try to boss you around but they can't back it up when you throw it back in their face.
BI stove is EXCELLENT!!
goodnight elena sweet dreams
(thanks for sharing too)
Goodnight Elena
bye elena
Hey
Actually I'm still here. I still have another hour of Comic Con to watch so I'm doing that while I'm hanging out here.
Goodnight Elena.
Bc, how was the movie? Dont tell me you didnt see it.
Ah, yay ergo! Its the simple things in life that can make us happy. Thats nice to know. :)
oh well hello again elena!
how is the comic con looking? I bet it would be amazing to go to one
Oh hell I would love to go to Comic Con one day. It looks like so much fun. The comic shows we get here are pretty small and kinda lame but still fun.
Hi Elena, again.
I am going to try to go to bed, goodnight everyone and once again thanks for listening to what I had to say before.
they have people all dress up and stuff?
we don't have anything like that near me, some in the cities but way too far to travel to
Goodnight silence, sweet dreams. Hi elena. B, I finally did see the movie earlier tonight. It was definitely good, and there was a lot of people.
Night Silence
Sweet dreams
goodnight SD nice to talk with you sweet dreams
Goodnight Sd. Sleep well.
Bc, the question is How was it? I heard most liked it, but some mixed reviews. Quick rundown please?
Was it good?
Ergo lots of people dress up and that's really fun to see.
Hi BC
Elean, I like what you wrote. I really wish I could be more trusting of people and if I am wrong, then it is their problem not mine. I try some days are better than others with that.
I watched comic con on Thurs night? I think it was. It was fun to watch. I wish I could have gone.
B, for the most part, I thought it was good. And in my opinion, Heath did an excellent job portraying the Joker. His character is definitely different from the Joker Jack Nicholson played in the original movie.
The Joker Heath played is more malicious, sinister, lacked any trace of humanity, but somehow he carried a bit of charisma and humor all together to the role that you can't quite put a finger on. You didn't see Heath at all. You only saw the Joker. The movie is definitely more darker than the previous Batman films. I know people who had seen the movie more than two or three times.
I was kinda disappointed when it ended, I felt it was a bit short, even though it's about 2hrs and 20 mins long or so.
Thanks BC. Didnt see that you said it was good. Cool.
Gotta go to sleep. Goodnight BC, Elena, Ergo and anyone else lurking or I may have missed.
Sweet dreams. Sleep well.
yeah bc. Jack Nicholson and the new are two toally different animals. I heard that Heath was really into that sinister character.
He even out acted the main person "Batman" himself. Ah, I cant wait to see it. Thanks for the scoop on the movie. Night Bc. Sleep well.
Well guys, it's getting late so I'm gonna call it a night and watch some tv for a bit. Goodnight everyone
goodnight BI and BC sweet dreams
You're welcome B :)
Night night!
night bi and bc
Nice Dream
They love me like I was a brother
They protect me, listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine, made me happy
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream
I call up my friend, the good angel
But she's out with her answerphone
She says she would love to come help but
The sea would electrocute us all
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream
If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough
If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough
[Just as well Just as well Just as well]
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream
bi
Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day every hour
I wish that I was bullet proof
Wax me
Mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bullet proof
So pay the money and take a shot
Leadfill the hole in me
I could burst a million bubbles
All surrogate and bullet proof
And bullet proof
I'm off to cook dinner, bye elena
Hi and bye ergo!
Hi elena, if you're still here?
I missed A LOT of comments and catching up looks overwhelming...
talk to ya later Ergo
Hi Miranth
Hi elena :) How are you?
I'm fine and you?
I am still recovering from my weekend. I am not as young as I used to be!
I'm just wondering why on earth I'm still here.
Too many unanswered questions I think. My mind won't shut off.
I'm still here, just got done watching some roseanne, but I wanted to say hi to miranth, I hope you're well *hugs*
Morning Mayo!
Morning e'rebody!
And it's back to work again.
I had another average, yet enjoyable weekend. I finally got my hair cut after 2 weeks scouring hairdressing magazines for inspiration, but bottled it in the end and just asked for a trim. I should try to be more directional in future.
The Dark Knight is fabulous, but then I love anything with Christian Bale and his firm, sculpted buttocks in it anyway. I was a bit sceptical about all the lavish praise heaped on Heath Ledger's performance but he totally nailed it and had me hiding behind my hands a few times. Highly recommended, but not for kiddies!
The most cutting insult of my youth was what my brother called me, "hexagon face". It's not even a proper term of abuse but it drove me crazy. The kids at school just teased me for being extra-specially tall and extra-specially skinny, except when a certain Tennants Pilsner ad was running - if you're a Brit you'll know the "backwards one" - when I was nicknamed "Czechoslovakian Yeast"!!
And Pistachio and anchovy? I've had a pizza with pine nut, anchovy & sultana topping before and that was yummy, but then I'm the kinda girl who'll eat pretty much anything.
Kass xx
P.S. I would have blown them all to kingdom come without a moment's hesitation. Hell, if I'd have been on the blob I wouldn't have cared if it'd been full of nuns and fluffy baby bunny rabbits...
What questions do you have?
My mind goes round-about sometimes - and I ask the same questions, forgetting whom I've already asked. A family member now tells me that I'm spinning again, whenever I do it :)
Its difficult to sleep when your mind is circling and you have no conclusions to proffer... That may be why you're here, now.
Hi BC! I am recovering - sloooooowly :) How are you?
I got to see a band this weekend called brand new sin from Syracuse - and they were really good! If you like metal/rock music, you may enjoy them.
Actually Miranth the problem is I truly don't think I want the answers to the questions I have.
The answers could make me rethink so much of what I believe.
Morning Kass, I hope you're well. When I saw the dark knight, at the first half of the movie, I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest
Hi miranth, I'm good, but about to go to bed I spent most of my day eating out and going to the movies, so I bid you guys a goodnight. Sweet dreams!
Hi BC, Elena, Miranth!
Shouldn't you all be tucked up in bed?
I wish I were tucked up in bed - I made the mistake of watching The Most Shocking Moments of The Nineties all the way through to the end last night so I didn't get my 8 hours and I'm a cranky SOB this morning.
Gnnaarrgghhhhh!!
Ah, I do understand that, too, elena, especially when I slip into the realm of idealism, as so little lives up to those expectations...
HI Kass :) if you're still about?
In body, if not in mind!
I'm gonna get me some coffee...
Goodnight BC!
Kass, I already got 7 hours of sleep. But I probably need at least 8 more to catch up :) Sometimes I suffer from insomnia.
Also, I hate when TV sucks you in! I try not to watch too much, but sometimes I do. :(
SURPRISE!!!!
*is early for a change*
Good morning/afternoon/evening Mayo, SS, Elena, Ergo, Miranth, Beloved, BC, Kass, Possum, FASC; various anons, watcher and lurkers; marble beauties and dearest dolls in the land o'blogbelieve! (Thanks J!)
Mayo: Thank you sharing a very significant ‘piece’ of yourself with us. I’m sure it was not an easy thing to do. With those words, those painful memories of the past that you chose to share with us, you managed to remind us all that almost everyone has been through horrible/unfair /tragic experiences in life, some moreso than others. You also managed to bring comfort to many here - myself included. Thank you!
As others have stated, from the pain we can learn a lot about ourselves - if we choose to do so.
We can choose to remember the pain, and not let it make us bitter, so that we never treat others the way we were treated. We may fail in that endeavor sometimes; but, that doesn’t mean we should give up.
As for trust, well, I am one of those "trust must be earned" - over time - people. My daddy taught me that one and it’s too bad (for me) that I did not always listen to him. Some of us take a very long time before we trust another person. Of course, looking into a person’s eyes always helps me in the ’are they sincere’ department. The eyes are windows to the soul.
Unfortunately, we can’t exactly gaze into another person's eyes in blogbelieve. Thank goodness we can get to know people much better through e-mails, phone calls and other sites!
*note to self: call Mya, e-mail Miranth and BC, snail mail J and L*
Regarding Pistachios and Anchovies: I hope you aren’t talking about ice cream flavors or salad toppings! Pistachios - Yes; Anchovies - No, no, no! Never! On anything! Absolutely not! ;)
FASC: Thank you so much! That gin and tonic was delicious. Just what I needed to quench my thirst! Will you have a nice glass of red wine for me tonight? Please!
Regarding those pet names, J: “My darling pet“! I like that one. The bon bon one sort of appeals to me; but, I would not use “my professional bon bon”. No, that does not have much of an endearing ring to it. I would go with ‘my bedazzling bon bon’ or, even better - ‘MY BEASTLY BON BON’. Yes, I think I‘ll go with that one! ;)
Ergo, Amy, L, J, Andrea, Silence dg, Sdock, Beloved and all others who shared their stories: Thank you all, as well, for sharing a ‘piece’ of yourselves. None of us are ever really quite as alone as we sometimes feel we are. *hugs for all*
Elena: Sandy Ann send her love to Jake!
To think about (or not) today:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last."
Charlie Daniels
(Written while traveling to the funeral for his friend, Ronnie Van Zant)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hoping we all find our "freedom" while we are still here - on this earth.
Have a great day, everyone!
Hugs and Love,
~Namaste~
6/Wendy
For those going to sleep soon: Goodnight and sweet dreams!
Addendum to comment:
(More words of wisdom from my daddy)
Go out, have fun, meet people, be yourself, live life and take it all for what it is!
I’m still pondering that one...
I love my daddy!!!!!!!
Fuck, Mayo. Dude, thanks for making me cry.
This post was touching. In elementary school, I was friends with everyone. There was always this voice in my head questioning whether I fit in or not. Then again, does anyone ever really belong? In middle school, I was the awkward kid who wore the same thing everyday, had the same hair style, never wore make up. The quiet one. Those were the years I knew I for sure didn't belong.
I'm probably the most fucking insecure person out of my group of friends. Not only have I struggled with my personal image, but I've struggled with who I was on the inside. As much as I, or anyone else for that matter, hates to admit it, deep down inside, we all just want a sense of security. A sense of belonging or fitting in. Sadly, to 'fit in' you have to look a certain way, act a certain way, dress a certain way. I've never been one to follow the crowd. What's the point? Being my own person is much more important to me. It's about having my own distinct personality and style.
When I was a kid, my brother would pick on me for being chubbier. I think I've told this to you before, but it really affected me for the long run. About a year back, it got to the point where I would starve myself. I wouldn't eat for days at at time. Just so I could fit in. My family noticed. My friends noticed. They were worried about me and it killed me to know something that they didn't know. But I covered it up with stupid excuses. I reached a point where I told myself to stop it. I knew what I decided to do to myself was not a good choice. I realized I was fine the way I was. I realized that I don't need to look like those stupid models in the magazines. The insecurities are still there. The temptation to go down that path again is there, but I fight it, day by day.
You know that feeling you get when you meet someone for the first time-- the one where they are analyzing every move you make. Every inch of your exterior? I hate that fucking feeling. Sometimes I still feel that when I'm around my friends! But, fuck that, why do I need their approval?
Deep down, we all feel this way. Even those egotistical fools have insecurities. Even those 'popular' kids who sit together at lunch. Fuck at hate them though. They can suck it.
I haven't traveled the nicest or smoothest paths in life. I've lost family, friends, pets. My trust issues run deep, Mayo. I came here not sure of what I was getting into. I let my guard down to the people here. It isn't that easy in 'real-life' though. So many people have walked in and out of my life, all expecting pieces of me. So many people have stabbed me in the back. I've been left standing there waiting for someone who wasn't going to show up, just like you were as a kid Mayo. Of course you still have to deal with those trust issues! They are going to be with you for the rest of your fucking life. No one can really help you with them, you have to face them yourself. Don't be afraid to let the ones you love in. When I say the ones you love, I mean who you really care about. Of course you are going to wonder about ulterior motives. All throughout your walk in life, everyone is going to want pieces of you. They will do anything to get it. Lies. Cheats. Backstabbing. Why do you think we all have lack of trust in one way or another?
I think in order to trust others, we have to trust ourselves. To open up and let others in, you have to understand who you are.
No matter how hard to try to let the past go. No matter how badly you want to forget the rough times in your life. No matter how much you just want to forget the hurt and pain. No matter what you had to face in your childhood, it will always be there. As I say, forgive, but never forget. As much as you must hate those other kids for setting you up and teasing you, they made you stronger as a person Mayo.
What I really wish for though, is for people these days to look past people's exteriors and look deep inside a person before passing judgment. Fuck what others think.
xoxox;
- 007
<3
P.S. It's almost 4 am, so I'm really sorry if it doesn't make sense, and if there are any errors.
Okay, the paragraph when I'm talking about egotistical-anal-jerks, it should say, fuck I hate them, not at.
I guess it really doesn't matter. Secondary characters are on a need-to-know basis. Can't get more secondary character than me.
Goodnight all. Sweet dreams.
*runs back in to hug Paperheart, Miranth and Kass (even if she doesn't want a hug, she's getting one)*
*blows kisses*
Goodnight (again)!!!
Helloooooo Wendy! *Tigger pounce*
Hi PH! I admire your wisdom and understanding :) And I agree that forgiveness is important, at least where its possible.
Hey Elena, Wendy, and Miranth!
Goodnight Elena and Wendy! *hug*
Miranth, sometimes I wonder if I'm actually 15 with the way my brain works somedays, you know? 0_0
Noooooooo!!
*attempts to wriggle free before admitting defeat to anaconda-like grip*
And Goodnight.
Hi Paperheart,
Apologise for any errors? Schnookums, if I can even work out how to turn my computer on at 4am, I think I'm doing pretty darn well!!
Well, Mayo-Man.
It's 4:04 am, and I have to work in 11 hours, so I'm off to bed. You have no idea how hard I cried when I read your blog. Writing that comment, especially the "No matter.." paragraph, made me cry.
Sweet dreams, and have a good Monday. I probably won't be going to bed, I'll probably practice my guitar.
xoxox;
- 007
<3
P.S. SS, keep the faith. I miss you and your kind words of encouragement.
Hey Kass! *hug*
lol. Well I've been on my computer since about, 11 pm. Listening to music, searching guitar tabs. Facebooking it. Myspacing. Rawr?
Have a good day sweetie! <33333
Goodnight elena! I emailed you.
And you ARE NOT a secondary character. Actually, I don't think of anyone here as characters, nor secondary.
Goodnight PH!
And I think that is a good feeling to have :)
Sorry, I never caught up, but I must go. I feel pretty awful, actually, and the thought of anchovies and pistachios is actually making me feel worse.
As regards this post, I see that there are many different perspectives on the same theme, as people respond to it. I remember being teased for being intelligent, but that never bothered me at all. Being teased for my awkwardness, however, did. While I am a small adult, I was always the biggest kid in my class. I grew more quickly than the others (though I was the youngest) and had little control over my limbs. That was frustrating enough, but dealing with the taunts made it ever so much worse. I grew quickly enough so that phase soon passed. And when it did, classmates assumed I possessed a sophistication that I never had, probably still don't :) as I was seemingly an adult - to look at.
And at that point, the rumors started. Which just goes to prove that if it's not one thing, it's another. I always diligently traced the source of any rumors and confronted the person. By then, I had realized that negative internal emotions had prompted their behavior - and couldn't help but feel some sympathy. I became better friends with each person I confronted - and shared a sense of what I can only describe as 'sisterhood' with some of them. Sorry, I grow mushy as I reminisce :) but its true. Even today, I try to understand issues from the person's perspective, though sometimes, I find, people consider this intrusive. Anyway, at least I try, even if it does make things worse. *wry grin*
My youngest niece was recently the victim of bullies, but she was taken out of the mainstream classes and put into the magnet program with all of the other smart kids. All of her new classmates had experienced bullying in their previous schools and were ecstatic to be free of this in the magnet program. She is a much happier kid and she also helped the one student (in the new school) who was something of a bully to reform, as I recounted previously.
Anyway, I share that because I think schools need to be proactive like that and hopefully they will only grow more so. The Michigan education system is very progressive, though, so I don't know if other states follow the same practices, yet. I hope they do.
Take care, everyone!
♥
Happy Monday, BlogBelieve!
Morning Eveyone! *waves*
I hate anchovies. *shudders*
Mayo,
Damn, how did Monday get here so fucking fast? I really believe something happens on Saturdays and Sundays that makes time speed up somehow. Seriously. It's a gov'ment conspiracy.
Oh well, oh well, oh well.....
Your blog followed me to sleep last night right into my dreams and I'm sure it will be with me all day at work.
Thank you, again.
Try and have a happy Monday, Mayo.
Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to the real world I go.
Love to YOU Always,
S
p.s. Thank God for daydreams.
Oops! That was me!
Hope your day is fimtastic Solly!
Monday. Yay. >_<
Have a great day everyone.
Be back later.
Good morning everybody.
I hope you all have a sunny and happy day. it is monday after all. My day is filled witht he tornado and going to the hospital. oh what joys!!!!!!!!
See you guys whenever.
Lardy
Please lick my eye. My eye needs you.
Mmmmmmm.....maggot flavour!
I loves me some maggots. Taste the rainblow Boney!
Mmmmmmm.....maggot flavour!
I loves me some maggots. Taste the rainblow Boney!
HEY stop eating us. Didn't you know we have our own fanclub, and our own fangirls who follow us. Go and eat someone elses maggots.
Oh Noes! Don't be eating my maggots! What did they ever do to you? They are so cute and wiggly wriggly and they keep me warm and I talk to them and they are my bestest friends.
HEY, we are our own maggots. Nobody has claim on us, we are the mighty maggots and we will rule the world, one maggot at a time.
*raise's tail in the air*
Power to the maggots
Hello Maggots,
It's lunchtime (in the UK) and you're a good source of protein so I'd watch out if I were you. Bear Grylls always says never to eat flesh with larvae on it - always eat the maggots themselves.
Your survival tip for the day!
morning to all here and goodnight from me!
been watching Mythbusters, time for warm bed, really windy here
I hate anchovies too anon, really horrid icky little salty fishy boney yucks.
but hubby loves them. *grimace*
pistachios on the other hand are really really yummy
so goodnight Mayo, or good morning hope your week's good
much love EP xx
hey SS have a great last week of July
lotsa love EP xx
night all, see you in 8 or so hours
♥xx♥
if we want to be nice, maggots, we could call you gents
*imagining maggots in little dinner suits, spats and walking sticks*
very classy
MAGGOTS FISH INGRARRRR
LOL Ergo,
Bit whiffy around here today!
Goodmorning all! =)
*looking down, scuffling big toe of left foot around in dirt a little guiltily*
Um... Mayo,
Thanks for sharing that. Your recount was really personal and putting yourself out there. Thank you for letting us discover a little of what shaped you, beyond the image you've projected here. Sorry that such rotten, closed minded kids came into your (and unfortunately it seems, into many bloggers here)life, and it has had such a lifelong effect. I'm pleased their hold is loosening.
Pistachio and Anchovy?!?!
O_o
*PP has major Mayo breath trust issues*
*extends a lengthy pole to pass Mayo some extra strength mouth freshener*
Swish, swirl, and spit, please. ;)
Kass,
I've just read Kerrang 1219, Feedback. Just saying you make my world a very bright and happy place =)
Ergo,
Your Father is very talented, as is his artistic daughter as I recall from pictures she posted. =)
And that was the small truck? O_o
Kapunua,
POST IT! =)
Hey, and according to your What Type Of Anima Character Are You? quiz, I'm
Yaoi Boy (Gay Boy)!
Sensitive and caring you just want some boyxboy love!
Is that too much to ask?
>_>
<_<
So...everyone else seemed to get Hero, Villain or Inu, right...?
*opens very BIG can of worms*
*walks away slowly*
Fimmy,
Hospital? You and/or the Tornado are okay?
Hi SS!
*leaves nothing to chance and passes mouth freshener over to SS, as well*
You know what to do. ;)
*marvels at the male abilty to ingest toxic food combinations with barely a resultant stomach gurgle, but leaves them with breath that could fry your eyes at 50 paces*
Have a great day everyone!
'Night all =)
Is it bad that i am female and my results were
You're A Yaoi Boi (Gay Boy)!
Sensitive and caring, you just want some boyXboy love! Is that too much to ask?
Hey Ergo, PP!
Awww, it's nice to know you pay attention, even if they didn't acquiesce to my request as Capt. Barbossa would say. Still, as you can see, at least I've made peace with my superficiality...
Kass xx
Your Result:
You're A Villian!
You evil person, you. You have a dark side to you. Your destiny is world destruction/domination. Just so long as those pesky heros stay out of your way.
Mwuahahahaha!!!
Oh nice, 9:16!
Let's share that can of worms, together! Maybe it means we watch? O_O
*worms start escaping*
Villainous Kass,
Maybe you should have just shown them your cutlass instead of your manners!
'Night again!
good morning blogbelieve. :)
i was catching up over at my flist, and came across something that i wanted to re-post here. it's a pagan religious text, and i hesitate because i don't want to offend anyone, but it's such a gorgeous piece of prose poetry. it gave me shivers, and i really wanted to share. just share, not proselytize!
please scroll on by if you like!
Charge of the God
Listen to the words of the Lord of All, whose paths lead within and
without, who of old was called Dagda, Dumuzi, Adonai, Pan,
Arawn, and by many other names:
I am the power of the staff and blade, the creator and destroyer, the divine twin who lives and dies for the world to go on. I am the stag in the woods; the grapes on the vine; the sheltering oak that hides you. I am the hidden that you pursue, and the hunter that chases you. Run with me and let your passions be enflamed, your soul become poetry. I am judgment and peace, war and strife, and I call you to let your spirit soar. My law is life and death unto all beings, you who come from the Goddess. I set the challenge for you, and I sound the horn. I am the doorway to the Underworld, and I am the plow that seeds new life. My gift to you is the will to choose, and the desire to live. I am the grain as it grows and ripens only to be cut down for you; I am the stag, the boar, the bull that dies in the fall to feed you through the winter. By my very nature, I am living, eternal Sacrifice. You must face me.
I am the golden sun of summer, and I am the bleak light of winter. I call upon your desires: Come run the woods with me, come live and die with me, blaze in glory and bleed the ground red with me. For I am the soul of the world; my staff brings ecstasy and new life; my blood feeds the earth. Before me, let your heart and mind be enfolded into mystery. Let my worship be in the madness of love and lust, the Dance of Life, and in the madness of the hunt, the Dance of Death. Let your heart be free to sing and dance, grow and die, love and hunt. And you who seek to know me, know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the mystery: Know that you will face me, learn from me, be judged by me before the gates of Tir na 'Og. For I am within and without, I am alpha and omega. And I am with you always.
Copyright © 2000, Jet Blackthorn
it's just...what gorgeous imagery. wow, huh? i haven't read a charge that seemed to tap into the core so deeply, not in a long time!
*eep*
sorry if that was too much!
read OPJ comment at 2:02am
why is she being so fucked up to Mayo. on Mayo's last post she was mad at him for never talking to her and now she's saying he doesn't care about some of the "Lovelies". she needs to grow up.
Well, ya know...
Can I just say that I know exactly how this guy feels today?
lol.
poor lawnmower. :(
Hey, everyone, Mayo, and SS!
Mayo,
I hope you're having a good day. And thank you again for trusting us enough to share. The act of sharing it was appreciated beyond belief. It's nice to know a little bit more about what makes you tick. I'm still sorry it happened to you though.
SS,
Hello, good sir! I hope you're well and chillaxing!
It has taken me a long time and years of therapy to be able to ignore that voice and share even my more simple weaknesses with friends (without the guise of fiction). And, so I share this piece of myself, my past with you.
I think we're all lucky and all the way around.
Later, dudes and dudesses.
OPJ doesn't just know Mayo's secret, she knows SS's as well. Or so she wants everyone to think. She always hints that her and SS have some big secret and says cryptic things in her comments so that it appears nobody but him would understand their meaning. It must be the special connection they share.
Or is he your soul mate?
well, that little research project took longer than i thought it would. :/
and now i must take my leave of you, oh darling blogbelieve. don't weep, it is but for a few hours! i shall return!
*grin*
this afternoon i have my follow-up appointment with my surgeon, and hopefully he'll have figured out what the heck it was that he removed from my chest. so wish me luck, and keep your fingers crossed that he'll just pat me on the shoulder and say "lady, you've got a strange little body there, but you're perfectly healthy."
*heehee*
see you tonight. :)
bye mayo, have a good day, yes? oh and i killed the coffeepot so i went ahead and refilled it. all you gotta do it hit the button, it's all ready to go!
coffee, gooooood.
bye now. ♥
Yes notice how she compares calling him 'Precious' to what Catherine the great called her lover.
"
Oh, BTW, that piece of writing YOU'VE been reading? There's some additions to it, check them out.
And what has SS been reading? More of your porn blog I guess.
It must be that 'special connection' that they talked about having with him on mcrumourcontrol.
Thanks for the anime quiz:
I'm a Villian - "You evil person, you. You have a dark side to you. Your destiny is world destruction/domination. Just so long as those pesky heros stay out of your way."
Oh well, not everybody can be sunshine and rainbows. :)
Anonymous said...
Jason Bourne does not look anything like Matt Damon in the game:(
July 27, 2008 11:47 PM
The reason why is that Matt Damon thought the game was too violent. So he didn't have anything to do with the game.
This is what I got with the anima character quiz.
You're A Hero!
You live to save the world! You are honest, true, and always victorious! You may not always get the girls/boys, but all you really want to do is battle the bad guys.
Hello Martha, Jennicula, Mustard, Smoke, TJ and anyone else I missed.
How are you today?
Ah, empty room. Gone for coffee or whatnot. I'll stop by later on my way back from the village.
Have a good day, everyone.
TJ, I'm projecting positive thoughts your way! Good Luck at the Dr's!
I've been reading everybody's childhood experiences with being bullied and being outcast. Most of us seem to have a lot in common when it comes to that.
I think I actually shared my story several months ago, but it may not have been here at Mayo's. Maybe it was at the porch? I can't remember, but yeah, I told of being the odd-man-out. I was the girl who started her period first, who had pimples first, I had braces that made my already plump lips look like a clown's. I also had a goofy Prince Valiant haircut that my mother insisted on, and to top it all off, I had to wear orthodic shoes because I have one leg that is almost an inch shorter than the other. Btw, we believe it was caused by a "slight" case of polio that I got with that little sugar cubed polio vaccine that everybody got. My mother remembers made me sick for 3 days afterwards.
Anyway, I was UGLY! And kids are cruel, even my own brothers! There was a time in grammar school that I felt that my only friend in the whole wide world was my dog. I retreated into a world of daydreams and didn't do well in school at all because I certainly didn't want to be there.
The school I was going to in the 8th grade was really going downhill. It was a time of racial tension and a lot of over-compensating was going on to help relieve it. In other words, things were getting out of control. Several other families were considering switching to another school district, so when it ended up that I failed the 8th grade and would have to repeat it, we knew there was no way in hell that I would be repeating it there. So off to a new school I went.
It was during that summer, that I began playing guitar and I had always been singing. It was also that summer that I started smoking and did my first experimenting with drugs. (It was 1970, btw.)
Anyway, the new school was much better and since a good many others had transferred, it wasn't like I didn't know anybody. I did better in school, just marginally, and I became pretty rebellious. But we all did! Like I said, it was 1970!
I had stopped wearing those stupid orthodic shoes, refused to have my hair cut, the braces came off, my skin was clearing up, and I was blossoming. Not only physically, but mentally, socially, and musically.
But I never did make friends with the crowd that had shunned me before. The cheerleaders, the preps, the in-crowd. Fuck them. So, I opted instead to be friends was the other outcasts like me. Plus, I was still pretty much a loner.
This is getting too long, so let's fast forward... This is something I'll always remember - running into one of the popular, pretty boys from school years later and him asking me to dance. Sure, I danced with him and I was very flattered that this gorgeous guy was showing me attention. But he ruined it by bringing up the past and going on and on about how much I had changed and I kept insisting, No, I really hadn't.
The last thing I remember him saying was, "Yes, you really have! You've changed to a very beautiful girl. You're absolutely gorgeous now." By that time, he had just really pissed me off. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "You're wrong, dude. I'm the same person inside that I was back then and you obviously are still the same shallow asshole you always were. I'm still that person you wouldn't have anything to do with back then. Let's keep it that way." And I walked off.
Chip on the shoulder much?
Hell, yes!
And those cute girls and cheerleaders? Some of them weren't so damned cute anymore after high school. Ever notice that? And can you imagine how I felt when several of them came up and congratulated me after I made it to the Top 10 in our state's beauty pageant several years later? Yes, a beauty pageant... Something that I had always been totally against and it still actually makes me feel a bit nauseated to think about being a part of - EXCEPT, for the reason I did it and the fact that I succeeded at what I set out to do with it - it was all for the music. It did open a lot of doors for me. Some of those cute girls from school never even made it through the first cut because you also had to have some BRAINS and TALENT!
Chip on the shoulder much?
Hell fucking yes!
That's all.
Good Day my friends.
Monday has arrived, marking another work week in the works! I hope you all have amaaaaaazing days at work! I know I won't!
xoxox;
- 007
<3
Hello to all, but I can't stay. I apologize for all of my hit and run comments lately.
Hmm.. so easy today, so should I go for it?
Heck yes!
Use this time of silence to your advantage!
*sigh*
Only if you insist Paperheart. Start the new page with a BANG!
Only if you insist.
^_-
PH,
*hugz* a billion times over and back again.
shhhhhhhhh!
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