I am expended. I have given my soul to you and, without question, you deserve it. I am rewarded by my investment and I know I get more out of it than you. Regardless, at the end of the day, I know its worth.
I am reminded that not so long ago I was so afraid of death that I taunted it, begged it to take me on. For a little while, I allowed its insidious grip to hold my soul. I was seduced by chance and by choice.
Temptation will always tug at my better judgment. I have been successful at averting my attention from ruinous behaviors toward the seemingly benign. Still, I question whether I have just shifted gears rather than changed lanes.
Perhaps I will again fall prey to deaths seductive whisper and allow myself to be captured by the romance of self destruction. It is wise to consider that I tempt fate. The alternative is blind supposition.
For now I am anchored to the rocky bottom. I will drift, but I will not be carried out to sea.
p.s. it takes hours to come down and the fall may lead to my imperfection.
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I would like to credit the photographer and thank her for sharing her work.
Your words are what give value to this space.
Never do that again.
Yes, I am aware.
Art by: Toujours
No Contest
even if no one gets me, if i'm the only one laughing at my jokes, i won't hide myself away from life. it's uncertain and it's dirty and it's fucking exciting, and i want to be a part of all of it.
it's too good to waste in hiding.
toujours
February, 21, 2009 1:27 AM
it's too good to waste in hiding.
toujours
February, 21, 2009 1:27 AM
heart full
Today on my way home from class, I stopped off at the petrol station for some petrol. I paid on my card which wasn’t a lot, and then as I was getting into my car, I saw an old man walking past the building. He had a red and green stripy jumper which was frayed at the ends. He was also wearing some jeans that were dirty and had holes all over.
I sat there and became intrigued by him because I didn’t know what he was doing, so as I sat there and watched him, he continued doing what he set out to do.
He walked past the trash cans and first picked out a cup with some drink still in it (one of the cups that you get from burger king that has coke in it). He then walked over to the next trash can and pulled out the end of a half eaten sandwich. In my shock horror, he ate it and then went to sit on the wall to drink the drink he had found.
I felt sad, I wanted to give him my last $4 that I had but I was told when I was younger that you should never give people money, you should give them something they need or can use because that way, if they had an addiction, they would not be able to use the money for their addiction. So I went into the shop and bought a chicken sandwich from their deli counter and then walked out of the building.
The guy was still sat at the wall drinking his drink so I walked up to him and asked him if he would like this sandwich. He thanked me and said that he was hungry.
I should of felt good after that, doing something for someone else but all I could think of is where his next meal will come from or where in fact he will sleep tonight.
Fimble Star
September 30, 2008 8:08 PM
(Tonight, although I am cold and my feet are sore, my belly is full.)
I sat there and became intrigued by him because I didn’t know what he was doing, so as I sat there and watched him, he continued doing what he set out to do.
He walked past the trash cans and first picked out a cup with some drink still in it (one of the cups that you get from burger king that has coke in it). He then walked over to the next trash can and pulled out the end of a half eaten sandwich. In my shock horror, he ate it and then went to sit on the wall to drink the drink he had found.
I felt sad, I wanted to give him my last $4 that I had but I was told when I was younger that you should never give people money, you should give them something they need or can use because that way, if they had an addiction, they would not be able to use the money for their addiction. So I went into the shop and bought a chicken sandwich from their deli counter and then walked out of the building.
The guy was still sat at the wall drinking his drink so I walked up to him and asked him if he would like this sandwich. He thanked me and said that he was hungry.
I should of felt good after that, doing something for someone else but all I could think of is where his next meal will come from or where in fact he will sleep tonight.
Fimble Star
September 30, 2008 8:08 PM
(Tonight, although I am cold and my feet are sore, my belly is full.)
It helped.
Jennicula,
Thank you for sharing your story. Although it only appeared briefly, I was lucky enough to have caught it.
Once upon a time, for me, that was the best part of this place...having my words related back to me from another's perspective.
And it never mattered to me who said it, just that it meant something to the writer.
Thank you for sharing your story. Although it only appeared briefly, I was lucky enough to have caught it.
Once upon a time, for me, that was the best part of this place...having my words related back to me from another's perspective.
And it never mattered to me who said it, just that it meant something to the writer.
Blog header image by: Anima
I would like to credit the photographer and thank her for sharing her work.
something
Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. If you've had a shitty day and you feel like people just don't want you to be happy, and when you find yourself struggling to make it through the day, just keep on believing and keep the faith. Also, from personal experience, don't push people away. When they say they want to help and that they are there for you, let them in. Believe me, I know how fucking scary that thought is, but don't shut others out.
paperheartxx
September 22, 2008 11:07 PM
paperheartxx
September 22, 2008 11:07 PM
Retro-spectacled
Sometimes, when you look back on stuff in your life, you know, the crap that makes you shake your head and say, "Holy shit, what the Hell was I thinking?" it's part of what makes you - you.
I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I have made small mistakes and really big, fucking scary mistakes. Would I change those mistakes and blunders?
No. Wanna know why?
Because they make me - me. They help make up the person that I am, what I've learned the hard way. Hopefully I've learned from my mistakes and have become a better person for it. And, hopefully I don't repeat those same mistakes. Although, sometimes I repeat variations of certain ones, but I'm working on that. :)
Jennicula
June 11, 2008 11:19 AM
I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I have made small mistakes and really big, fucking scary mistakes. Would I change those mistakes and blunders?
No. Wanna know why?
Because they make me - me. They help make up the person that I am, what I've learned the hard way. Hopefully I've learned from my mistakes and have become a better person for it. And, hopefully I don't repeat those same mistakes. Although, sometimes I repeat variations of certain ones, but I'm working on that. :)
Jennicula
June 11, 2008 11:19 AM
aloft
Blazing against the sun
like locusts,
samaras swarm the sky
and skitter to an earthly end,
dry
like clever words.
I want to make them fly up,
flip heaven upside down
and dance across the top of hell
and sing your thoughts
to the sound of thunder
that you love so well,
rip open the littered sky
and bathe in the light
or draw across the firmament
the blanket of the night.
In only a day they have
covered the ground,
their brief flight
yielding nothing permanent
on infertile land,
a fleeting moment of swarming glory
that calls to mind our own
short story:
Diamonds and petals,
the loom and the light,
the inkdark moon, foxfire marsh,
an open, waiting hand.
Clever winged seeds
of childhood reminiscent--
and like the idiot grown-up heart,
as stubbornly indehiscent.
Weaver Girl
May 26, 2008 11:27 PM
like locusts,
samaras swarm the sky
and skitter to an earthly end,
dry
like clever words.
I want to make them fly up,
flip heaven upside down
and dance across the top of hell
and sing your thoughts
to the sound of thunder
that you love so well,
rip open the littered sky
and bathe in the light
or draw across the firmament
the blanket of the night.
In only a day they have
covered the ground,
their brief flight
yielding nothing permanent
on infertile land,
a fleeting moment of swarming glory
that calls to mind our own
short story:
Diamonds and petals,
the loom and the light,
the inkdark moon, foxfire marsh,
an open, waiting hand.
Clever winged seeds
of childhood reminiscent--
and like the idiot grown-up heart,
as stubbornly indehiscent.
Weaver Girl
May 26, 2008 11:27 PM
Electric Blue
…today I saw a ulysses butterfly it was in our yard and settled to feed on our hibiscus. They really are fantastically beautiful things, the electric blue is amazing, however as they sit with their wings closed they are rather nondescript and dull. Sometimes people are like that, from the outside they seem unappealing but within there hides an amazing beauty for those lucky enough to see it. I hope you appreciate beauty in all things, and look for it perhaps where others miss it.
ergoproxy
April 29, 2008 4:45 AM
ergoproxy
April 29, 2008 4:45 AM
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
I read your post again and suddenly without warning memories of construction paper filled my head. I remembered all the lop-sided flowers my girls made when they were young. Bright blue, yellow and pink flowers that were cut out with blunt end scissors would fill the windows to decorate for Easter. An occasional bunny was attempted but those usually ended up looking like creatures from a horror movie. Flowers were so much easier. I can close my eyes and hear the paper being cut into petals. I can smell the Elmer’s glue squirted on in huge blobs to attach each misshapen petal to form the flowers. We had a huge arts and crafts box full of wonderful items just waiting for their imaginations to turn into something wonderful. In my mind I see my daughters, as they once were, small, blond little girls sitting on the floor surrounded by scraps of paper and other art supplies. They would create their masterpieces then proudly show each other. Oh and Lord the messes that would ensue if the glitter made an appearance. Now, the box is forgotten. I’m not really sure where it even is anymore. The few flowers so lovingly created that survived are faded and dusty and high on a shelf they sit. Time marches on, so many things get left behind.
Today was the first Easter I spent alone. I don’t think it really upset me until I remembered the construction paper flowers. Of course I understand that my daughters are growing up and have lives of their own. But understanding doesn’t make it any easier to accept. I miss my little girls in their frilly Easter dresses. I miss the laughter that filled the house when they found what the Easter Bunny left for them. And I miss making the damn flowers.
Elena
March 24, 2008 3:57 AM
Today was the first Easter I spent alone. I don’t think it really upset me until I remembered the construction paper flowers. Of course I understand that my daughters are growing up and have lives of their own. But understanding doesn’t make it any easier to accept. I miss my little girls in their frilly Easter dresses. I miss the laughter that filled the house when they found what the Easter Bunny left for them. And I miss making the damn flowers.
Elena
March 24, 2008 3:57 AM
From the corner.
I wonder if you noticed
all our friends playing
Some had never tried before
and the result was amazing.
Poems from the corner
from the left and right
We did our best to keep them flowing
Late into this night.
If nothing else was accomplished
I hope we made someone see
How truly beautiful and amazing
a poem can be.
Sdock10
March 13, 2008 11:36 PM
all our friends playing
Some had never tried before
and the result was amazing.
Poems from the corner
from the left and right
We did our best to keep them flowing
Late into this night.
If nothing else was accomplished
I hope we made someone see
How truly beautiful and amazing
a poem can be.
Sdock10
March 13, 2008 11:36 PM
Thank You. Truly.
"This little world has grown around us, out of nothing, and it is a remarkable thing. Even the dark and dirty parts, the violent parts. Humanity will not thrive without passion."
Redrum
March 1, 2008 3:13 AM
Redrum
March 1, 2008 3:13 AM
Uncondensed
Your words are what give value to this space.
Never do that again.
Yes, I am aware.
Character Advocacy.
"Don't ever pretend to be something you're not. You are who you are, and no one can change that. The people who don't like the real you are just gonna have to suck it. Don't take shit from anyone. Don't crumble. Throw a few birds, and walk on.
I'm still trying to do this, so maybe we can work on it together."
mustardisbetter
January 16, 2008 4:48 PM
I'm still trying to do this, so maybe we can work on it together."
mustardisbetter
January 16, 2008 4:48 PM
Art by: Toujours
“I decided to stop pitying myself. Other than my eye, two things aren't paralyzed, my imagination and my memory.”
Jean-Dominique Bauby
Jean-Dominique Bauby
2,127 comments:
1 – 200 of 2127 Newer› Newest»god!! me?? first?
Lord, man, you do know how to sneak up on people, don't you??
Only just, FASC ;)
Hello Mayo
I hope life is treating you well.
I don't want you to feel like that.
This sounds more hopeful than your last post, Mayo. I'd like to believe things are progressing positively for you.
well i've read it now and that doesn't make me happy!
are you ok??
fuck RW, me,you and elena all on 2.47pm!!
I will drift, but I will not be carried out to sea.
Sounds like a reality check.
Still, I question whether I have just shifted gears rather than changed lanes.
Wow. You gotta figure that out, man. Easier said than done, but still.
For now I am anchored to the rocky bottom. I will drift, but I will not be carried out to sea.
Uh. Okay. This hurts my heart, because I've felt this at one point in my life.
P.S. No one is perfect.
hello mayo,
how are you
Question for you if you may.
why did you choose your name to be mayonaise? i have always wondered why?
nice to see you
I know, FASC!
I'm glad you see this in yourself, Mayo. That could be what keeps you tethered, right? Let's hope. Although I can't relate to that because my fear of death manifests in not tempting it. But either way, it's good to be aware of it.
Hey, are you still around? I hope so, because I'd like to ask you something. It won't be "how are you today" because you usually say "I'm fine" etc. and that's completely acceptable, because after all, who are we? I hope you are fine (judging by your last post though, I still have to wonder,) but when it all comes down, it's not my business.
So if you are still around, I'd like to ask you a question.
mayo thank you for giving us your soul.
you make me worry too much though!!
Stay anchored. Drift but never too far. Life is too short on its own without any help.
When darkness calls answer holding a light tightly in your hand.
Good to have you back Mayo!
Death, temptation, what a post, do you need to be bitch slapped back to reality?
My hand is always at the ready...lol
Blows kisses at Mayo!!!
you post just as i start my work, shucks i will have to pay attention more on here now,
did you know that manchester unitd won 3-1 today in football(soccar).
just to let you know that, the result made my bloody day
still revelling in the result too fimble!!
Mayo
Never rush. Why speed to the end? Enjoy the journey. As for imperfection? That is what makes each one of us unique. Some more than others.
That's a good question, Fim; I've always wondered too and figured it was because of the song, but the "its" always bothered me. Like, why "its?"
Anyway, I have a question too, which of course you may feel free to not answer, if you are still around. (yeah yeah you might actually be in a hurry, but I have a feeling you enjoy reading the first few comments that are mostly directed at you.)
My question, though, is about the "other." You've used to mention this "other" a lot in your early blogs. THe "other" was trying to gravitate towards everyone, but it was difficult because "this overwhelmes." You remember that? And one time I asked you if you were the only one who had ever kept this blog, and you said you had.
So then, who is the "other?" Is it a friend? Your mysterious wife? A family member? A split personality of yours named Biff, who likes to catch a wave and hang ten?
Of course this is your blog and you are not obliged to answer, but I've always been curious. You can seriously just tell me, "get out of my grill about the 'other', ho," and that's cool, too.
Which, I would pee my pants laughing if you actually said that, it would make my damn day.
Well anyway Mayo, if you are lurking, that's my question to you.
And I hope you are okay, and I think it's good that you're looking at stuff like this in this post. Right?
Oh, and of course, I shouldn't have to tell you this, but I will anyway: There really is nothing romantic about self destruction.
i don't think you get more out of this than us mayo.
we really appreciate this place you know.
Mayonaise, I am not liking this post, but as Elena pointed out, don't rush, walk. Take time to be aware of your surroundings, and of yourself.
You're right, FASC.
That's a good question, Fim; I've always wondered too and figured it was because of the song, but the "its" always bothered me. Like, why "its?"
Possibly because mayonaise.blogspot.com was already taken.
mayo i would like to know why you choose your name, but take your time mate
and just to repeat
SS - i hope that you have a look at the present you left for us all. we HONKED on there and i hope you see all the kind and caring words. you know how we feel.
yeh i know MIB!
Or, maybe!
Maybe Mayo just likes mayonnaise and would prefer that condiment over mustard.
And I swear, I won't be mad if this is the case.
To each his very own, Mayo. ;)
Hello you all!
How is everybody?
Possibly because mayonaise.blogspot.com was already taken.
aint it always the way RW!!
hi siobhan!
i'm fine thank you.
Is it wrong that SS's "honking from the rear" profile location makes me giggle like an 8 year old?
Absolutely not, RW.
For a short moment I thought that the ugly orange 'B's had disappeared.
Well, they didn't! Meh!
aint it always the way RW!!
Indeed, FASC!
Mayo,
Are you still here? If you are, how are you?
Pancake-Zillllaaaaa!!! Hello there. Have you eaten any pancakes yet? hehe
Hello everyone else
hello everyone, i am so sorry how rude am i. i didnt say hello.
well
HELLO
Hi Fasc!
Hi BC!
Hi Elena!
Hi RW!
Hi Mustard!
Hi Fimble!
Is it wrong that SS's "honking from the rear" profile location makes me giggle like an 8 year old?
no not at all RW!!
me too!
perfectly normal!
Hello Fimble!! Sd10, I think this is just a hit and run post.
Hello Siobhan :)
Oh, good point, RW!
Okay, you know what? I changed my mind about this post. Mayo, how old are you? Are you an adult? Are you still seriously considering that you will "drift?" That you find romance in that kind of darkness?
Please, please get the hell over that. If the temptation is seriously still so powerful that it is this much on your mind and this much a part of you, I sincerely hope that someone is helping you out with that. I mean, someone who actually can help, not people who coddle you or tell you "it will be okay" or "I know you're strong" etc. And, god forbid, people who encourage that kind of behavior. Are you picking up what I'm putting down here? That's total bull, Mayo. I wish you could completely get out of this hole.
If you can't get out of it by yourself, then get someone to help you. Blogging about it and simply reminding yourself, "Hey, I can go down that path again at any time" probably isn't enough.
You still exasperate me sometimes.
Hi All who are here!
I ran in from the porch and didn't even speak to you guys.
I'm a rude little bitch, sorry.
Hello Fimble :D
And, well, goodbye, everyone! I am off for a bubble baff.
Thanks for the new stomping grounds, Mayo. I hope you're having a restful day :)
Ta-ra!
No, BC!
I wanted to, but I woke up so late today (1 pm, *cough* lazy cow *cough*) and I right started with lentil soup. I know, sounds weird, but it was really yummy.
Hullo and ta-ra, Sdock! :D
Hey Mayo
I really have nothing else to say. Oh wow, me out of shit to say. Kinda funny.
I really just want you to know I'm with you in spirit always. Don't know if that means anything to you. Just thought it might.
bye rw
Hello Mayonaise!
Do you feel better or worse?
Mayo:
What the hell are you afraid of, man?
Hey dude.
Listen, there is nothing romantic about self-destruction. Nothing. At least not for someone watching it happen.
You will always have temptation. Just keep on fighting, okay?
Hugs and kisses,
S&V20
splash, he is afraid of the dust bunnies under his bed
bye RW, hi sdock.
i don't like the p.s either.
i'm like you elena i don't know what to say.
i kind of wanted a happy post, cos i'm a selfish bitch!!
Do you know where your coffee is, FS?...
*evil smile*
Bye RW! Enjoy your baff!
Hello Sdock!
Man, it's been a long time.
How are you?
Blogging about it and simply reminding yourself, "Hey, I can go down that path again at any time" probably isn't enough.
-------------------------------------
K, it probably isn't enough, but at the same time, you can't entirely force someone to get help. They have to be willing to want to get help.
mayo, i know that whisper. i might not have heard it in exactly the way you have, but i've heard it all the same.
always turn away from it. it lies.
You're not rude, Sdock. ^_^ We all get a little "OMG, new post! Must give my $0.02 while Mayo is still reading!" at these times. ^_^ No worries.
Also, hi everyone.
I am good Siobhan, and you?
I hate the P.S. It definitely does not sound good. Pancake-Zilla, are you sick, my lovely?
Hey Siobhan
I didn't get your e-mail.
Maybe later you can try again?
Hello family.
rw i do not know where my coffee is but i have made a threat, and i will carry it out. I PROMISE.
mayo are you going to speak?
no pressure just a hello/goodbye would be nice.
Hello FASC, RW, Sdock, Elena, BC, Siobhan, Kapunua, Smoke, Fimble, and TJ.
Great to finally be back.
Gosh, I didn't even SEE the p.s. at first.
Rush. It takes hours to come down and the fall may lead to my imperfection.
"Imperfection?" Mayo, please. I hope you're talking about a good kind of rush, from which it takes hours to come down.
Come to that, maybe you are.
Care to enlighten us? Or do you like to drop a bomb like this and watch us worry about you?
Faraway, I may be wrong, but I think this is just a hit and run post.
I'm feeling so fine, Sdock!
Thanks for asking!
No, I'm not ill, BC.
I'm watching 'The Mummy 2', nibbling pretzels and eating 'Baumkuchen'. Soooo yummy!!!
I read this post and it's almost like looking into a mirror. I feel so similar these days. Of course, I think your demons and temptations are much greater than mine but the feelings of helplessness are still the same.
Thank you for continuously sharing your emotions with us. You help to make us all feel real.
Hello Mustard!! Are you out of the refrigerator yet? :D
yeah, it's always nice to be corporeal!
*grabs usual spot on couch*
hey blogsibs. hiya!
Fridge door is closed ;)
MP:
That's so true. This post feels like home to me.
Oh, that's strange, Elena!
But I will send it to you again.
FASC
Mayo tends to make me run out of words. Bet my family in the "real" world wishes they could do the same.
As for the ps
it's sad. Sounds like someone who knows something is coming but can't think of a damn thing to do about it.
That's good to hear my Pancake-Zilla. Are their any plans for you to destroy any towns or cities today? he he
I prefer not to acknowledge my own demons at this time. I know what they are.
Definitely, Mustard.
Oh, Mayo. >_<
Hey errbody!
"the fall"
What the hell?
"my imperfection"
Again, what the hell?
MAYO!
ARRRGGGHHHH!!!
Hi squeak squeak. How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while.
BC
Mayo:
I'm gonna get a tinge cranky right now, but it's not because I'm mad at you or because I want to wring your neck. It's what families do.
You better not pull a fucking thing. Not one blessed thing.
Hi there Smoke. K, I understand your frustration. This is why sometimes I enjoy yelling at him, but at the same time, it reminds me of how much my family has to put up with me as well.
*sighs*
Your depression is out of control again.
Princess, Splash, we're on the same damn page. And I'm not leaping out of my chair with joy about it either.
*sighs* again
mayo you make us worry about you and then you don't speak?? so we worry more!!
or that might just be me but i doubt it.
Well I waited for this post cause I felt it was coming. I ask myself how the hell did I know? But I did so I stayed at the store waiting. Now I've smoked a cigarette, said what I can and must leave for home. Take care family. Catch up with you all tomorrow.
Mayo I always smoke a cigarette after you post. Yeah, it's like that!
Yeah, I don't like this at all. I hate jumping to conclusions about stuff but this doesn't sound good.
Mayo, just what the hell are you up to?
Depression nothing. Mayo, don't let this blog be your only outlet.
Man, you're not even hearing us. And usually that's just fine, but this is kind of important. You're all "I have been half in love with easeful death" over here and then you bail when you get us all worried over you. Nice. We wouldn't be upset if we didn't care what happened to you, dick.
So, what? Are you going to get some help, are is this all you're going to do: tell a bunch of 30-somethings about it who you know can't actually do anything about it? And then watch us squirm?
i know your not here mayo but take care please.
last repeat for now
ss - i hope that you have a look at the present you left for us all. we HONKED on there and i hope you see all the kind and caring words. you know how we feel.
I hope everyone is doing faboo and has a great day today. I must be off...I really hope that Cloverfield ends up being worth my money tonight. Cheers!
hi bc. :)
kapunua, specifically, "oh mayo" what?
Hey Mayo.
I can see hope in this post and I’m glad you had the strength to tell us something so personal. Thanks
You know what they say? Sometimes it’s not so important where you’re going to, but how you get there. Don’t rush, my friend.
Hope you’re doing okay, Mayo.
Love to you
SS, just remember we love you, okay?
BC, I wasn’t able to tell you this before, so welcome back home!
Guys, I’ll be right back in a few.
Love you all!
*HUGS & KISSES*
This is why Mayo can sometimes be a selfish and manipulative asshole.
Hi Bella! And thank you. I hope to see you here in a few. Take care
Leave the computer I keep saying to myself...
ANON depression is never really under control. It may hide for a bit but it's always waiting to rear its ugly head. You just have to accept it and remind yourself that it will hide again. At least for a while.
Mayo?
Do you know how frustrating it is to see someone hurting and see them need you, but you don't know what to do to help?
Do you know how fucking painful that is?
I'm doing it right now with my own friend. It's shit. You don't know what to do to help, but all you are able to do is just make yourself available.
We're making ourself available to you, but we cannot be the only form of words and encouragement.
We don't want you doing anything stupid, but we are so totally unable to do anything about it.
Please.
bye elena! bye magic pie!
i could murder a cigarette right now!!
hi bella.
What the hell, Mayo? What the hell?
I swear to God, if you're sitting back and watching us right now, I'm gonna slap you. >_<
I know you do not want to hear this, but you require professional help.
The darkness is too seductive for you to fight alone, and no one else can help, not even the love of another.
*ourselves
But, you understand what it is I'm trying to say, don't you?
100 comments to me!!
sorry just pissed off!
E-Mail sent, Elena!
And there's nothing wrong with getting professional help dude.
Seriously.
You know we're worried, right?
It's getting old, Mayonaise!
The whole game is so getting old!
Siobhan-san, yes, this is getting old, but unfortunately, even when that person has been treated for depression, there is always a possibility that it can relapse and return again. That's what I'm worried about.
Mayo,
I'm sitting back and just reading what the others have to say. You have everyone a little worried. I can understand that. It's not that I don't have anything to say about this post...in fact, it's just the opposite. Maybe, I understand it a little too well. Your words always find their way straight to my gut. I will get my thoughts and feelings in some sort of chaotic order and present them to you later, but I just wanted to let you know that I hadn't disappeared. I'm still here.
You have so many hands reaching out to you. Will you take them?
Keep in mind, please.
This may not be a game.
Who says that this person is suffering from depression?
This all sounds *yawn* again so Gerard Way. I don't believe a S-I-N-G-L-E word!!!
Toujours: What Splash said at 3:28. This is frustrating. Part of me can see Mayo reading all of this, too.
See, it's times like this, when we are worried, that Mayo actually should pop in and say something like "I'm getting through it" or perhaps "I'm not getting through it" or SOMEthing, anyway.
This post is like that cryptic phone call you get from your friend at 3 AM telling you they're not okay, then they mention a bridge or something, and then they don't pick up when you try to call them back.
>_<
Okay really gonna leave after this.
Siobhan, if Mayo is really telling us his true feelings believe me it's not a game. His emotions are a roller coaster. One day good the next not so good.
I chose to believe that he's being honest. I can relate to what he's going through as far as the roller coaster is concerned.
I just want him to remember that the downs are followed by the ups. You gotta learn to treasure the good and try to get through the fucking bad.
You do this not only for yourself but for those who love you.
Last night Kapunua asked about our flaws and terrible things. Today, Mayo, you write about temptations.
I'm going unmarked to be able to say this. I have a temptation that I struggle with every day, and have for years and years.
I self-harm. Pick, not cut. I have scars all over my body, and can never wear anything that shows my limbs. Sometimes I'm good, and I heal, but sometimes I'm bad, and then my fingers are red with blood.
I know what it is like to struggle with dark temptations. I like the blood running freely down my arm.
But, Mayo, you have to struggle. You can't ever give up. You are needed, by people in your own life.
By us.
By me.
Struggle for us. You say you gave us your soul. Well, I for one treasure it. Knowing that I share the world with you makes me stronger and happier, every day.
None of us is perfect, Mayo. It doesn't mean squat that you have imperfections.
There.
I'm done.
Thank you Kapunua for asking the question that gave me the opportunity to say this here.
K i totally agree!
i don't like it.
Did you get my e-mail this time, Elena?
I agree 100%, Elena.
Siobhan, anything is possible, which is why I am going to stray away from this depression bit. We cannot be exactly sure what is really going through Mayo's mind. We can only guess.
K, I believe that is what Mayo wants to do; mention his problems, but does not want to talk to anyone about it. I think he wants to distance himself when a situation like that happens.
Has the fear escalated again? The feeling that your heart beats a 1000 beats per minutes, of being so wound up, it feels like eternity to come down?
You must not resort to the old coping mechanisms to escape these feelings. You must get help.
GRRRRRRR!!!!!
Mayo, dude, what the hell?
I'm repeating myself, I know, but I don't know what else to say.
gotcha, kapunua. i definitely agree. the more i read this...i trust mayo to be strong, but worrying about him is always in there too.
anon/reg i hope you are ok.
love to you.
I'm certain he can afford one of the best therapists in the world, can't you Gerard? Er...sorry, Mayonaise!
Heres a hug for the Anon who shared.
Stay strong, okay? That took a lot of guts to say.
And we do need this. We all do.
Struggle for us. You say you gave us your soul. Well, I for one treasure it. Knowing that I share the world with you makes me stronger and happier, every day.
I agree, Anon.
Hugs to you.
3:44, for what it's worth, you're very welcome. I hope very much that you also have someone to help you with this as well. That's a lot more unusual than cutting, which a few people picked up to be trendy. Are you getting help? Because it's a big deal.
And Mayo? You're either too afraid to face anything we have to say to this, which is immature and says that you very much need help. Or alternately, you are reading all of this and you don't know what to say, when what you could do is make a general comment to address whether you are getting help or you are considering it.
Or--and this one I don't want to believe--you enjoy making us worry for you, which is just cruel.
I don't even know what to say to you anymore. How are we supposed to react to this?
Anon who shared,
Thank you for that. You are very brave for sharing your story.
Anon @ 3:44
I agree. And regardless of if we may or may not know you, anything you want to talk to us about, regarding your situation, or anything else, you know where to find us. And thank you as well.
So, what did you have for breakfast today, BC?
or - maybe he is sleeping.
or - maybe he is too afraid to talk b/c of all the accusations of favoritism.
or - maybe it isn't as bad as you are all making it out to be.
or - maybe it is and he will address you when he is ready.
maybe back off a little.
Shit.
Okay Mayo, probably I didn’t pay enough attention when I read your post but now that I’m doing it more carefully I’m freaking out!
Please, I know you you’re not going to talk to us and that’s fine, but please tell us we are wrong. Tell us we misunderstood your words.
Please Mayo, I’m begging you.
Anon @ 3.44: thank you for sharing this. I admire your courage.
You really don't want others to hang off the precipice of the cliff with you, do you?
Others are reaching out their hands to pull you up.
Can't you see this?
Mayonaise, I think this post. It is dark and kind of optimistic. I've always been scared shitless of death and dying. That whole idea of like not being physically there anymore.. it gives me the chills. I mean, not knowing what happens after you die-- whether there is a heaven or hell, or if all that's left of you is your body 6 feet under... scary stuff to me. I don't think that I will ever get over my fear of dying. You are a strong person to have gotten over that fear. Whether you say it in the literal sense, or in some cryptic way, good for you. I applaud whoever can overcome their fears and phobias.
That really isn't me. I'm a crybaby. If I could, I'd have someone walk ahead of me everywhere I went in life, just to keep me safe from all of the monsters and demons. I try to be independent, but I think I'm so independent, I depend on others, if you know what I mean.
Anyways, Mayo, I hope that you are alright, this post isn't as worrying as the other one, but I am still worried.
Love dearly;
- 007
Siobhan-san, I only had cookies and some water for breakfast hehe. I know it's not nutritious, but I ate it anyways. How about you?
- or maybe, I don't give a rat's ass, anon!
Maybe I should read before I post.. It should be
Mayonaise, I like this post
i'm glad you could share that, anon, even if you had to do so anonymously.
kapunua, i really don't believe mayo could be reading this and enjoying our worry. remember that one time, he came on just to stop us from "dithering" (which I still get a kick out of, btw) -- tat's not someone who wants us to squirm.
maybe he just posted and left.
maybe he can't talk.
maybe he should do like the anon did, and talk anyway.
this is a safe space.
Anon @ 4:02
I don't think he wants help. I could be wrong though.
I told you, lentil soup!
hehe
Really good for breakfast!
maybe, someone already came on with a list of maybe's!
*facepalm*
*kicks old man computer*
Siobhan-san, I forgot about that!!!!! hehe
Having an alcoholic coke head for a wife doesn't help him. Did she drag you back down kicking and screaming or did you go willingly because it was so easy? All that complacency in and around you.
I have a question.
Please watch this clip:
Never Mind the Buzzcocks
At the end of the clip you can see a guy with long hair. Is that Dave Mustaine?
Uhmm..
Not to rain on your parade Anonymous, but there's no proof that Gerard is back on these things, or that Lindsey is indeed a coke head/alcoholic.
I just read the comments. Seems as if I'm not the only one, who thinks it's him.
Cool! Megadeth rocks!
That guy made his own bed, he might as well snort in it!
4:01: But what if it is bad, huh? And yeah, I had considered that maybe he's afraid to post and be accused of leaving someone out, which I think is ridiculous. Mayo should talk to whoever the hell he wants. It doesn't need to be me, but somebody. I hate the guilt trip, I think it's wrong to put that on him or SS or anyone, to blame them for making you feel crappy (or crappier) when there's no way they can acknowledge everyone, and why should he? Why should either of them? But Mayo could make come in and tell is that it's okay, or that it's NOT okay, but someone can help him, or, whichever. Like I said, this is that cryptic phone call you get at 3 AM and it sucks.
4:12: I seriously hope you're not talking to Mayo, and that goes for anyone who is relating that to Mayo. We don't know thing one about his spouse, we don't even know if he has a wife. All he said--once--was that he was married. He could be married to a dude for all we know. So you can just let that lie. All of you.
Siobhan-san, don't they? I just started listening to them too. Right now my favorite song is symphony of destruction.
Are we the only ones here?
Couldn't have said it better myself. That's just one of the reasons I love you so, you always seem to know what I'm thinking and just how to say it. With that said, it does pain me to know you feel it too. :(
Yeah, they're great, BC!
Suddenly it's really quiet here.
More room for us two, hehe!
Poof!
What the hell?
Siobhan-san, yay! What's your favorite Megadeth song? I'm sure you have some favorites.
Marco!
Gee, hi Wizbef, nice to read you, whoever the hell you are. Do you often just walk into a room with a bunch of people talking and leap right in, ignoring everyone except the host and forgoing even a courtesy nod to introductions?
polo, and i think "trust" is megadeth's best song.
Wizbef, who the fuck are you?
Polo!
Hey look. An anonymous wants to play marco polo too! Cool. I have heard that "trust" is one of their best songs. I might try to download it later on. Thanks for the suggestion.
Marco! (Yes, I'm bored obviously)
Wow, that's a good question.
But I think my favorite album is also 'Countdown to extinction'.
I love 'Foreclosure of a dream'.
hello I am unsure who'e here but
TJ fimble BC siobhan fasc rw kapunua S&V MIB sdock elena bella pj PH and anyone else (sorry if I missed you)
and wizbef ? - hi
Mayo the feeling never goes but don't give in to it, stay anchored and stay believing in yourself. You are far better than that temptation, never forget you would have so much you would lose as would all those who would lose you.
Shake your head, Dave!
polo, what's your favorite pantera song
Hello Ergo!
How are you?
Psycho Holiday!
Mouth for War!
my favorite pantera song is becoming
Hi there Ergo how are you? Siobhan-san, I think my sister had that tape, but I'm not sure. There's this other Megadeth song that sounds pretty good. It's called Gears of War.
As for favorite Pantera songs, damn, that's a hard one.
This is my favorites, in no order:
Hollow
Rise
Yesterday Don't mean shit
A new level
this love
I am also starting to like Cemetery Gates
Becoming
who do you think is hotter dave mustaine or phil anselmo
hi polo anon
I've never listened to Megadeath or pantera
:(
anything else you like?
oh and it was my friends cousin not brother (same name) but it's still a stupid waste, he was 23
Yes! I assume we have some metal heads in here, correct?
hey there ergo, good to see you!
i'm avoiding the game of marco polo because i have traumatic memories associated with it.
Anon, Phil is definitely more hotter than Dave.
I love them all! But those two were the ones they always played in that club I used to go with my friends back then.
It felt so damn good losing control on the dance floor.
Phil is God.
My appologies, hello to you all! I was so excited to put in my two cents, I did it before I read fellow comments. Besides, yeah, I admit it, I'm here to read the actual blog ;)
Hi Toujours!
How is it going?
Phil is indeed a god. All of those tattoos helps as well. There's some guitarist from some band called As I lay Dying, that I think is pretty hot. His name is Phil too! Ha ha
Hello Wizbef!
Interesting name!
Hello wizbef and my apologies if I didn't sound friendly to you before. Welcome to the fucked up house that is Mayo. Please enjoy your stay ^_^
Hi squeak squeak
let's play a game called fuck,marry, kill. who would you fuck, marry, or kill. your choices
are phil anselmo, dave mustaine, and gerard way
hello ergo!
how are you.
sorry re your friends brother, very sad.
what do you make of this one??
i feel sad tbh!
TJ I almost broke finger playing marco polo! I swam straight into the side of a pool!
I was old metal, like back to glam metal and such from the 70's and 80's.
These new fangled whipper-snappers....
*pulls crocheted rug over knees*
Anon, how old is Phil anyways? Do you know? Dave Mustaine does not remotely come close for me to answer those questions about him.
Hi faraway
hello siobhan, hello bc.
um. anon. that's not a very appealing game to me.
pass.
Ergo, ouch! Whipper-snappers lol ^_^
Anon, I want to smack Gerard, yet snuggle him, but otherwise, is there a innocent game we can play? How about marco polo again? :)
fasc the post?
It's dark but kind of like he's got a handle on it for now.
More like he's thinking out loud than really feeling it allat the moment
(and it was cousin, not brother- but yeah excessive alcohol sucks big time)
hi BC!
sorry i was off having a shower.
TJ I almost broke finger playing marco polo! I swam straight into the side of a pool!
oooh! ouch! not good, there!
i just had that game used as chinese water torture one very long summer (my apartment at the time faced the swimming pool).
How'd you find out about this blog, Wizbef, and why are you so interested in Mayo? So basically you're saying, yeah, you're here to read the blog and you really don't give a crap about the rest of us? What makes Mayo so special? What brings you here? That wasn't really an introduction, nor was it really polite.
Anon @ 4:58 - did you really just say that you would kill Gerard Way? That's something to take note of, I think.
anon I'm not that type of girl and seing as I only know 1/3 it's a hard choice.
:)
Oh damn, anon! That's difficult!
I think I would fuck Phil.
I don't think he is the marrying kind.
I would marry Dave.
He seems settled.
Well, sorry, Gerard.
hi faraway! Aw that's okay. Hey Siobhan-san, do you listen to Slayer?
K
Where did Anon say they would kill GW? I cannot see it written anywhere.
Since when does anyone new have to detail credentials? I think you are being very rude.
Hi Fasc!
oh TJ that would be sooooo horrible, I can understand your aversion.
as I have for Garth Brooks, though I dislike it anyway, school trip, 10 hrs in a bus, Garth Brooks tape!
funnily enough the tape went "missing" - and I don't regret accidently losing it!
(it was a copied tape and it was "found" after we returned)
Siobhan, isn't Dave married already? or no? Phil doesn't seem like the type to settle. I have to agree with you there, but he should let his hair grow. I like it longer
yeah how about "fuck , marry, ignore"?
I wouldn't kill anyone.
but I can do a damn good snub!
You know, I was never into them. Don't know why? I liked the music and never switched channels when I saw them on MTV, but they never mattered to me.
I love Anthrax, though.
And Suicidal Tendencies.
Do you like them too?
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