Most of it is gone now.
The rain having pelted the remains
the final time.
I passed by yesterday
and felt what could have been
your hand. The scream,
I won’t let go. Today
I stopped.
I buy gas and cheap
bags of pretzels, she wants candy.
I refuse,
and contemplate
what could have been
for you
in those last moments.
Did you let go
knowing?
Pump stopped.
Ten minutes I have stood,
you are here for eternity.
Always yielding, never turning.
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1 – 200 of 1580 Newer› Newest»Purple? Well that's new.
I can comment so I did. That's all.
Beautiful, yet tragic poem my dear Mayo. Sadly, I will no longer bring my presence here for quite a while. Who knows when I will return. I confessed my biggest admittance, possibly now it is time to move on. I send my love to every one of you.
Yours truly,
BC.
And yes, I do love you.
Goodbye.
XOXO,
BC
Purple is a colour of royalty.
Oddly, I have nothing more insightful to say right now than that.
-Amyranth still has sushi breath.
I'm not sure what to make of this blog. I've read it over at least four times.
Do these colours have any significance or do you just do it to further confuse me? I remember you posting two previous blogs in red. Got a strange sort of vibe from them.
so mayo. is this a post of your thoughts about a certain other woman.
and contemplate
what could have been
for you
in those last moments.
Did you let go
knowing?
when you let her go did she know how you truely felt. does she know how you feel now or have you hiden it and pretend to show emotions to someone else
thank you for the new post we needed it
this...descends upon me like a cloud, actually. smothers out anything i might say, to help, to critique, to fill space.
maybe, it wasn't such a beautiful day, after all?
Are we the only one's here?
So mayo, did you wait until the family was back together before blogging?
If so, that was sweet honey.
I won't try to dissect this though cos I'm crap at poetry.
I'm in a simplistic mood so I'll add only this:
Buy her candy while you can.
hey miss t glad to see ou back.
I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running....
I don't know what else to say. I am thoughtless right now. Why does this seem so devastating to me?
Mayo,
This one is really spectacular. I must let this one really sink in before I babble incoherently to you. I just want to keep reading and feeling....
It's beautiful...and......
Love to YOU Always,
S
p.s. Whatever you need from me tonight
Thank you FS sweetie.
In road transport, a yield indicates that a driver of a vehicle must slow down and prepare to stop if necessary but does not need to stop if there is no reason to. A driver who has actually stopped in this situation is said to have yielded the right-of-way to through traffic on the main road.
We don't get prizes for figuring this shit out. Mayo, you'll probably never tell us if we've got it right or wrong, we'll just have to continue to read between the lines, and believe with our hearts.
I haven't seen anything with my heart in such a long time..
-Amyranth is actually slightly confused.
No worries, Miss T. I'm crap at poetry too.
Meant to be, right? We just keep finding more things that we have in common.
Amyranth, I was thinking about your genius from what you posted at DM. :) :)
sdock10. Sorry for kind of ignoring you over at DM but I wanted to bring DG and GS back.
CTV, together forever.
Hello Mayo,
I like the purple but that's about all I can see.
I'm knackered and my head hurts.....I will give it my full attention tomorrow. I promise!
Besides, you may have noticed that I couldn't analysis my own naval.
Goodnight sweetie!
amy that could me mayo does need to slow down in the thnings he is doing but he doesnt need to stop. i think he may not want to stop becuase if he does he will have to let people pass by him. this may be linked to his last post that said he was in a dream and was watching the other mayo on the other table going through life very confident with all his friends.
does that make sense becuse it does in my head? does anyone get what i have just said
goodnight dg. sweet dreams
Amyranth, I think you may have figured out something of importance.
Does this not remind you if a certain secret our little jar of Mayo posted?
I meant analyse.....see it's futile....I am non-functional!
Much Love, take care of yourself and those you hold dear.
*remind you of
Sorry about that.
"Roadside crosses are the result of unyielding left hand turns."
Mayo,
Love like that....It never dies.
Not ever.
Grab her hand again....
She would probably hold on still.
That's sad and creepy. I pass by those every day, never without a shudder. I knew one or two, you know?
Did you write this today, or further back in the past?
ETA: I can't help but take this one literally, actually.
Amyranth, I may have to agree. That passage you just posted seems significant towards the secret that our dear Mayo has revealed before. Fearing that he would face reality, once everything stops.
BC
mayo. just becuase she is not there doesnt mean she doesnt still feel the same way. do a u turn on the things you have done recently and grab the ones you truely love.
Goodnight DG. Sweet dreams honey.
BC, I just wrote precisely the same thing. Great minds think alike, eh?
Miss T, did I not just say earlier on that I was not going to return here?
Paints a somber picture to me Mayo.
"Most of it is gone now, The rain having pelted the remains the final time."
Are you washing your hands clean of something?
Mayo, this post screams regret to me.
"...You are here for eternity. Always yielding, never turning."
Nice. Even nicer if it were directed at us. But, I'm afraid it isn't.
You're plagued with thoughts of someone? Not the person you're with, but someone you shouldn't have "let go."
It may be a far cry and I wish I had more advice to give, but sadly I've never been there.
Why didn't you get her candy again?
i'm quite with you on that kapunua. it's left me feeling all heartsick and lost...
Great minds do think alike CTV. I am quite surprised that none of you have declared me a impostor. I am not signed on to my account.
He didn't want to rot her teeth.
Haha. Sorry guys. A little joke here and there tends to lighten the mood up.
Oh shit, yes I am.
Mayo
Face your reality.
I told you already, we can't push you out of the sand pit. We hold the ropes, we offer hands.
Reach for us and we can pull, but you have to put your feet along those walls, and walk yourself out.
Please.
-Amyranth
Lol CTV.
BC
Bleeding Chaos said...
Oh shit, yes I am.
I didn't see you sign in. Did anyone else? You don't look signed in to me.
-Amyranth is a good cover.
This is going to be the last Mayo blog I will comment here for a while. Just to let my lovely readers know that.
BC
Well you know, good poetry makes the reader go "Oh yeah!" in just a few words. Maybe you haven't "been there" but you can understand what it is like there, through the images.
A lot of us have been there, though. Oh, yeah...
Oh hey, guys. Norman Mailer died today. O_o
Amy, I was signed in. I was not aware of it until I posted the last comment.
Capture This Void said...
He didn't want to rot her teeth.
Maybe Mayo is a dentist. Pretzels are nominally better for one's enamel than sugar.
-Amyranth is eating TONS of sugar.
I would have expected a comment from you by now, Mayo. The one time i'm actually here when you post a blog, nothing interesting happens.
Typical.
Ha BC!
You are drawn here like a bee to honey.
Nice to have you back.
Pop in, Mayo. Say aloha or something, jesus.
Miss T, guilty! Seriously though, I think I am going to leave. I can't handle this anymore.
BC
Mayo,
Are you okay?
Just felt like asking you.
Sorry to hear that BC.
Maybe he wanted the candy all for himself.
We've all seen the fillings in your mouth, Mayo. There's no denying it.
I don't get the feeling Mayo's okay. If he is, he hides it fucking well.
But, you know...I guess you can take that for what it is.
Well you know, good poetry makes the reader go "Oh yeah!" in just a few words. Maybe you haven't "been there" but you can understand what it is like there, through the images.
yeah, and this one really places you right there with him.
maybe, it's just his way of marking remembrance day?
Well I haven't had the same kind of experience as our writer has, but I am in a difficult situation. Sad, because I either stay where I am and settle for someone who doesn't hear the same music that I hear...or I leave him and then I am off to sing my beautiful music by myself...probably forever. Am I ready to be myself? I don't know.
sdock10
did you see my comment for you? I left it at DM too.
I absolutely agree Mustard. Miss T, I am not sure what to do. A big chunk of me wants to just leave and forget everything. Mayo, my lovely readers, SS, everything.
I just get tired of worrying so damn much.
BC
Me too, BC. We all need to step back and just breathe every now and then.
I'd like you to stay BC.
Mustard: Trust with your heart, not with your eyes.
-Amyranth
bc, just listen closely to your heart -- if you need to step back, you'll know.
Miss T
Thanks, I got it and it's all good once more.
Whoever she is, the care and the feelings were and probably are still there.
"...Contemplate what could have been for you in those last moments. Did you let go knowing?"
I feel this is him looking back on something that's happened: Yesterday and Today.
Past and Present.
"I passed by yesterday and felt what could have been your hand."
"Today I stopped."
This, whatever it is, is haunting him I think.
Mayo, dude. Are you alright?
I see a lot of roadside crosses, some are for people I knew, they always make me stop and think.
I hope you are stopping and thinking too
I'm trying Amyranth. I'm seriously trying.
sdock10 said...
Well I haven't had the same kind of experience as our writer has, but I am in a difficult situation. Sad, because I either stay where I am and settle for someone who doesn't hear the same music that I hear...or I leave him and then I am off to sing my beautiful music by myself...probably forever. Am I ready to be myself? I don't know.
If he sings rap, and you're country believing in what you have can make a #1 hit.
However, Cradle of Filth, would never record a song with Britney Spears.
Arias are never sung as duets anyway. And sometimes, you can write the most beautiful song by yourself.
-Amyranth knows nothing about muisc, by her own admittance. She's an artist first.
hello everyone!
(esp missT.)
Thanks sdock.
I want to stay too Miss T, but reading this new post is not currently helping my emotions. I feel like crying and I already cried once today. I've been here for two months and I never felt so emotionally drained in my entire life. I feel like everything that I have said to Mayo is falling on deaf ears. :(
Sorry for my rant everyone, but I need to vent.
BC
mayo.
talk to her. she needs to speak to you. it wont be a secret for much longer. you know as well as others that what happened in is in the past.
she loves you
Do you hold on to someone so tightly that your hands go numb? And they hurt so badly that you forgot why you were holding on in the first place....Or do you hold your hand out? Always waiting, hoping that someone will come along and snatch you away?
Me? I got one hand holding on and the other reaching out...Will I let go of one first or be grabbed by another first?
HEY! Goddamnit, I just spent five minutes typing a reply on my blackberry and it hasn't shown up. WTF? That's probably the only time this page will be small enough for me to evensee the comment box. >_>
SDOCK:
Sad, because I either stay where I am and settle for someone who doesn't hear the same music that I hear...or I leave him and then I am off to sing my beautiful music by myself...probably forever. Am I ready to be myself? I don't know
Sweetheart, you know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyway. Walk. Don't settle. You're younger than I am, even, so A) why should you lose hope on finding someone else? And B) WTF is so wrong with being alone, anyway?
You can be very "love the one you're with." You've said that before, even to Mayo. It almost seems a little like, "It doesn't matter if it's right, as long as it's right there." That's so depressing; you can be so much stronger than that. You're a whole person on your own and you have so much to offer.
"How dangerous is second best?" Listen to our friend Adam Lazzara. He is a cool dude.
hello Ergo, it's lovely to see you again.
there's grief here, but there's guilt, as well.
I have to say, I am confused by this post. As much as I adore the person I hope Mayo to be, I feel lost lately by these posts...I feel like I'm missing something. I keep wanting to learn of some new developments that seen encouraging, and I get NOTHING! Gee, I adore you...I would maybe LOVE you, not sure of course of something like that but I will always admire your mind, talent, creatively, and soul...just NOT all your choices...or what you've done to me as of late. (as unknowing or unintentional as it may have been)
Love,
Freddy
Was it SS who said it Amyranth? Or was it my beloved "Just Believe" Anon?
"what's in your heart, not in your mind"
hello.
V are you in here
i hope you are
B
Mayo, honey--
This poem rages with sorrow, regret, memories. It sounds to me almost like a farewell to someone, someone that you loved so deeply and richly that losing them is like torture.
"Today I stopped." Were you able, finally, to stop moving? Was this person the only one who could halt the incessant movement?
Seems like I remember that purple is a color of mourning. If that applies here, I am sorry, my friend. My heart breaks with yours.
I pray that you will find comfort in your memories; keep the best ones close to your heart.
Peace, my brother. I love you.
J
amyranth,
Thank you. It's just something that I noticed today. That he will never ever hear things the same way I do.
It made me so scared and it was such a jolt of reality. I felt like puking.
But here I sit....
You do what you have to do BC. It is draining at times.
mayo, don't ever leave things until the end. don't hold on to the pains and regrets so tightly that they bruise permanently. they aren't that precious.
let go of whatever needs to be let go, say what must be said.
open up.
be well.
be strong.
Okay, I can see that no one is listening to me. Take care everyone. I need to go cry somewhere. :(
BC.
Hey! I'm posting thjs from my blackberry! Probably for the only time, since by tommorrow this page will be too big to load. Still, what fun! :)
mustardisbetter said...
Was it SS who said it Amyranth? Or was it my beloved "Just Believe" Anon?
"what's in your heart, not in your mind"
Remember what I said earlier during the kickball game?
-Amyranth
Miss T, you have another tissue? I'm crying again :(
"Pain in temporary, but regret is eternal."
Do what you need to do to fix this for her and for yourself. If you don't, every time you stop you will see her face. She will haunt you....in your life, in your dreams, in the shower, in your bed, on your job, in the car, on the plane, back home...she will be there.
Whoa, there is my Blackberry post How adorable.
It is scary, Sdock. But hiding forever is scarier. Just my mana'o; what you do with it is entirely up to you. ^_^
Oh my god, a few of you sound like you're falling in love here. Jesus, it's pretty words on a screen. Am I the only one here who's not overwhelmed or crushing or melting? Come on, there has to be someone else. ^_~
sdock10 said...
amyranth,
Thank you. It's just something that I noticed today. That he will never ever hear things the same way I do.
It made me so scared and it was such a jolt of reality. I felt like puking.
But here I sit...
I lied before you know. When I listed my irrational fears? When I said Abandonment was irrational?
It's not. I'm irrational because I expect it, every day. I expect every day to be the end. I expect every day to be alone.
Involving myself when I'm not even asked is what keeps me feeling needed, relevant even.
I might not ever be either.
That's my real fear.
-A
Anon, I have plenty of tissues, take one sweetie.
Freddy:
It's a human we're dealing with. I suppose it will take longer than we originally thought. Patience and all that I guess.
Amyranth:
I wasn't there but I went back to look at the anon post. I got it now. Thank you.
A) why should you lose hope on finding someone else? And B) WTF is so wrong with being alone, anyway?
A. Because sometimes hope is never there. It's not there when you wake up. And it isn't there when you go to bed. If I could buy it, I'd be set.
B. Because I think it's the worst thing I've ever had to live. To be alone in a crowd is the worst feeling I've ever in my life experience. It never ends. Always the same. It just sucks.
sorry, kapunua, can't help you out there. i'm a pushover -- here in front of my computer making with the worried marge sounds.
Fuck Amyranth.
I know.
I fucking know.
K,
Mayo's words always make me look at myself. And right now I'm with a man who admitted to me that he loves me but is not in love with me. So, I can't help it if this post makes me look at my own life and my own regrets and fears.
amyranth,
He used to threaten me with that weekly and now the sad thing is that I don't even know if I care anymore.
amyranth,
He used to threaten me with that weekly and now the sad thing is that I don't even know if I care anymore.
SDock -
It's bad enough if you do it to yourself. If he does it to you, he's a manipulator.
Tell him he has until Monday night to get his shit the fuck out. Or you'll burn it in effigy on the front lawn.
-Amyranth is not one to take that bullshit.
Hello all you just ran off and leave me there on the other blog. So I just caught up. BC just cry If you feel like crying cry. Don't hold in your emotion. So cry and get your ass back here logged in.
Or I guess sometimes, you push them out of the car or leave them at the gas station waiting and you drive away, just to save them.
And you do this to save them from crashing and burning with you.
Amyranth said...."However, Cradle of Filth, would never record a song with Britney Spears."
Good Lord, I HOPE not! But, you never know. Never say never and all that stuff ;-)
Now that I got that out of my system; Good evening Mayo, Amy, Sdock10, TJ, MissT, MIB, BC, Kapunua, OP J, various anonymous folks and lurkers.
Guys, we unfortunately live in a society that makes us feel like worthless human beings if we're not paired up by a certain age. It's ridiculous, the hold it has on people. The whole "love" thing is a scam. It's a product: manufactured, sold all throughout the media, and bought by the whole world. It is a multi-billion dollar industry. What people are pleased to call "love" is often nothing more than the fear of being seen alone. Not even of being alone--which isn't so bad, truth to tell--but being seen alone.
Besides, remember, you can spend your entire life with someone and still be alone. I know so many people who do that. Is it worth it? I think not.
I know I've said this before, but I need to say it again and again because it bears repeating. There is no "The One." Falling in love is like falling down a ladder, where every rung is another day you're getting older, and at the bottom of it is your fear of being "alone." Whoever is at the bottom of the ladder when you reach it, well, that's "the One." It's just ridiculous.
Martha Jones, hello to you as well!
Hey guys.
I just barged in here without saying hello.
My apologies.
Hello 616, is it OK if I call you that?
kapunua, spot on as always.
hello back to all who said hello.
^.^
Too bad you couldn't buy cheap gas and name-brand pretzels. Gas sucks ass bigtime.
Anyhoo....
Mayo,
You are so up and down. I'm not sure what to make of it. Is it regret? Or is this making you think of someone already gone? Scary isn't it? I have to be honest. I can't figure you out, yet for some strange reason, I think we could understand one another. I may be a Princess here, but I could share a few stories with you. Some that would probably amaze you. Maybe another time, eh? This is your place. This is your time. Even though I may not always understand, I am here. Feelings have changed, personalities have changed. I'm not quite the bitch diva I make myself out to be. Well, not to that extreme anyway. What could have been? What should have been?
What can still be?
That's the real question, right?
Have you learned to be still, Mayo?
XOXO
Love you Mayo and everyone here!
S&V20
P.S. - Still trying to escape the inevitable........chances are, after all
But being alone can be a bitch in the meantime.
I hate it for all of you who have been burned. I can only imagine the hurt and the pain that was caused between you and the significant other.
Maybe there's no happy medium. Maybe all the people who are really in love are lying.
What the hell are we supposed to look foward to?
Death?
Whoever is at the bottom of the ladder when you reach it, well, that's "the One." It's just ridiculous.
I read once that men never marry the one they SHOULD be with, just the one that happens to be there when they're ready.
... oops.
-Amyranth
Oh Kapunua,
My dear other half. NO, no, no.
I won't believe that at all. I just can't. There has to be more.
It is fine with me Miss T! I'm so glad to see you back you can call me anything you would like. WEll, maybe not ANYTHING *wink*
My little sister, The Princess Smoke&Venom20, she just kicked ass with her comment!!
Love you!
sdock, it is very scary when you realise you are not where you thought you would be.
It is your choice to make,
either stay and wonder if you should have gone, or go and wonder if you should have stayed.
Who knows what the future brings, you can only choose with the evidence you have now.
I know what I did, and I still wonder if it was right, or if it will remain right.
This won't really help you, but it is worth knowing you are not alone in feeling this way
B. Because I think it's the worst thing I've ever had to live. To be alone in a crowd is the worst feeling I've ever in my life experience. It never ends. Always the same. It just sucks.
Try being me. I loathe being alone. Be in that place for far too long. Apologies. Today is PMS day for me. :(
So it appears that the tone here is turning to love. Lost and forgotten, or held true and missed.
How many of us have been in love, perceived or otherwise?
For me? Twice. The first time wasn't love. So one percieved and one Other.
-Amyranth
Ergo, Mayo and everyone here.
You guys truly are the best group of people I have ever met.
I am so happy to call you all my friends and my family.
Thank you for everything.
Thanks 616
*winks right back*
Hello squeak squeak, my little adorable mouse, how are you? Anon616, how are you?
Everyone else, let it be known that I love each and every one of you. From the bottom of my heart.
Oh yes, being alone sucks, but sometimes it can be great thing. Most important thing is that you have the chance to get to know yourself.
Amyranth,
I thought I was.......but he just can't let it be.
BC,
Honey, I hope you feel better tomorrow. You know we need you here. You can't leave now.
Amy, I only been in love once. I still am actually. I am a late bloomer, so sometimes falling in love takes years and months.
Sd10, thank you. Lots of love and hugs to you. I think I will be here tomorrow. Forgive me everyone, my emotions have been off all day.
Sdock10,
That was lovely.
Miss T, I made a new post ^_^
Amyranth:
To answer your question, never.
Nice post Mayo. Seems to be filled with regret and past memories that saddens you.
You won't let her have candy? Trying to help her off of that bad shit or you just want all that to yourself?
The purple is pretty though.
Hi, to all of you! ^_^
S&V20! ^___^
I'm not quite the bitch diva I make myself out to be. Well, not to that extreme anyway.
I am. Not the diva part, but definitely the bitch. I mean every word I say.
Mustard:
Maybe there's no happy medium. Maybe all the people who are really in love are lying.
What the hell are we supposed to look foward to?
Death?
Oh my god, are you serious? Are you seriously serious?! See, that's exactly what I mean. This society forces you to think that "love" is all there is, that it makes the world go round, that it's all you need, that it's the reason to be. That is such bollocks, I can't even begin to tell you.
"Love" is nothing more than the primitive desire to survive: either survival of the self through cooperation and protection, or surviving through passing on your DNA. Most animals have the urge. The feelings that come with it are from chemicals in your brain. They exist so that you will want to propagate, which is such a misplaced bit of biology in this world where we already have six billion "miracles." Christ.
Everything else is just a goddamn Hallmark card, it's ridiculous.
What else is there? Well holy crap, what isn't there? The world is so full of interesting and awesome things. There's science, there's the unsolved mystery of Quantum reality and the Theory of Everything. There's chocolate and culture and the stars ad exotic flowers. There's rainforests and temples, Kilauea and Pompeii, dragonflies and the Atlantic rift and finding bit or stardust in Orion's belt. We live in a world where humans have engineered the ability to fly and yet still people find the time to mourn over possibly having to be alone for a few minutes.
Alone can be so awesome.
Why is everyone so afraid of themselves?
Amyranth said...
So it appears that the tone here is turning to love. Lost and forgotten, or held true and missed.
How many of us have been in love, perceived or otherwise?
I have been in love twice. Perceived love, one additional time. I do believe that perceived love could more accurately be described as LUST. Well, It was nice while it lasted!
LOVE YOU LUCI!
Hello everyone!
Bye everyone! It's getting late and I've had a looooonnnnngg day!
Nighty-night Mayo! I hope you have sweet dreams of all your blogger friends. The princess, the prophet, the protagonist, the Mayo Mafia family, the shy lurkers and the King.
Air kiss, sweetie!
XOXO
sdock10 said...
Oh Kapunua,
My dear other half. NO, no, no.
I won't believe that at all. I just can't. There has to be more.
Sdock, there is so much more; that is my entire point. but you're not going to find it in one single other person. Especially if that other person is just someone who happened along, and then doesn't even treat you right. That is such crap.
That anonymous was me -- 616.
Miss T, have you been able to get DG and GN to come back? And where did Jade go?
Sorry to hear about the PMS, BC...Did you try some Midol ;-)
I shall check it out BC.
Hi Entropy! I didn't notice that you had entered the room. It's good to see you.
Hey everyone!
Goodnight, Smoke.
Thank you anon616. Now I think I am getting sick. I have a headache and is starting to cough. Ugh.
Hello hello entropy. How are you?
Aw, thanks anon616.
Hello to you too,how are you?
Mayo,
Well, here we are again. I know I said I wouldn't babble to you tonight, but I am suddenly feeling the urge to do so. Forgive me.
This is not a post for me or anyone else to read and tell you to do this or do that. You already know the answer to that and you have already made up your mind on whether or not you are going to do that. Am I correct? Yes, I thought I was. We all do shitty things and most of the time we do them for the stupidest of reasons and to the people we love the most. And more times than not, it is out of fear. Now I don't know what you were afraid of, but I do know that whatever decision you make, However, you decide to rectify this, you will have to forgive yourself. You are a good person with a good heart. Hell, if I didn't know that about you then I wouldn't be talking to you. Trust yourself to do the right thing.
I know you will.
No more babbling...I see you yawning.
Love to YOU Always,
S
p.s. Never Easy
616, I did get them to come back but they have gone to bed now.
Hi BC,I'm okay.You? You seem down and out.Sorry to see that.
Kapu - Reading Calvin and Hobbes lately? Hahah!
-Amyranth
Anon at 3.15,
Sometimes lust can grow into love. It can happen unexpectedly, with someone you'd never imagine being with in your entire life.
And sometimes what we think is love, is just convenience.
J
Kapunua:
When it's the only thing you've ever known, a change is nice. I'm not going to lie. There's things I hate about myself. I'd hate them with or without somebody. That shit's psychological and probably won't ever be fixed. Having someone along for the ride won't fix things and I know that.
But, that doesn't discount the fact that I hate, loathe waking up in the morning and starting the same old day although things are different. The same old shit all the time. What if there was someone else there to do that same old shit with? It wouldn't be the same old shit.
Maybe it's hard to explain. I have my career set out, exactly what I want to do, how I want to go about it. I'm getting there. But, that knowing that I'm going to have to do it alone makes me want to curl up into a fetal ball of ooze. I know I can do it. I've done this for the past 23, almost 24 years. It wouldn't be a big change. But, I don't want to have to. I don't want to have to live like this, never knowing what it was like to hold someone's hand, to get a hug, have a "first kiss", all that shit everyone else does in high school. I don't want to have to do that.
That's where I'm coming from. If this is still going on in 5 or 10 years, I'll let you know how I turn out. Maybe you could become my psychologist, no?
Thank you for your tough love.
Goodnight Smoke and sweet dreams to you!
I'm doing good Entropy, thanks.
Oh no, it sounds as though you might need a little more than Midol BC. I hear Crown Royal is good for stopping coughs ;-)
kapunua, there's lots of different kinds of "alone".
not being in a relationship, yet having friends and family that love you and care about you and what you think, that's "alone", i guess.
but not being in a relationship, and having the only friends and family who will listen to you with open hearts be a group of lovely people on the internet? that's a whole 'nother kind of "alone".
it's not that great, no offense to the lovely people.
Anon @ 3.15
Sometimes, a little lust doesn't hurt!
But only sometimes.
-Amyranth has been burned before.
K,
You rock. I would love to be just half like you because I half way kind of like the way I am too.
Make sense?
Not really?
Maybe a little?
Damnit...
I refuse,
and contemplate
what could have been
for you
in those last moments.
Did you let go
knowing?
We can never really know what is in someones else's head...
Sometimes we don't even admit to ourselves what's in our own heads
Is it too late?
Are you positive you can't go back?
What is your heart telling you?
Listen, listen
Regret is an evil partner to live with
It nags, it tears into your soul refusing to let go.
Listen, listen
Your heart is speaking
Quiet your voice and listen to your heart, it's speaking.
It's hard to stop the thoughts, isn't it, Mayo?
Is that what you have against turning corners?
toujours said...
kapunua, there's lots of different kinds of "alone".
not being in a relationship, yet having friends and family that love you and care about you and what you think, that's "alone", i guess.
but not being in a relationship, and having the only friends and family who will listen to you with open hearts be a group of lovely people on the internet? that's a whole 'nother kind of "alone".
it's not that great, no offense to the lovely people.
I agree, and no offense taken.
I had a friend that I met online attempt suicide a few years ago, and I was wrenched like a wet rag over it. The first time I ever spoke to her, was to call her when she got home from the hospital and give her shit for what she'd done.
-Amyranth
but not being in a relationship, and having the only friends and family who will listen to you with open hearts be a group of lovely people on the internet? that's a whole 'nother kind of "alone".
Yeah. That's what I was trying to say. Thank you Toujours.
Beautiful words, Elena.
As always. You write with such feeling and depth.
Original Punks said...
Anon at 3.15,
Sometimes lust can grow into love. It can happen unexpectedly, with someone you'd never imagine being with in your entire life.
And sometimes what we think is love, is just convenience.
J
That was me, the lustful one. Believe me that particular lust was NOT going to turn into love. Perhaps it could have for me, but for him......NO!
Yep, I know all about being burnt Amy. Been there, done that too.
GREAT work Miss T at getting those gals back!
amyranth, you sound like a very good friend.
you're welcome, mustard, but i wish neither one of us understood what i wrote so well, you know?
Good to hear entropy. I was feeling down all day unfortunately and now it appears that I may be getting sick. I took a shower earlier on and let my hair wet. I guess that is my fault ^_^
Oops. Anon616, sadly, I do not have Crown Royal, nor do I drink it. Do you have any Skyy Vodka? ;)
Silence
I just want to say that it's nice to see you back around.
That was truly beautiful Elena!
Toujours:
Yeah, pretty much I wish I hadn't read what you wrote. So, yeah.
Hello Elena, Silence and Entropy.
Glad to see you all around. You as well BC. Had me worried there.
Bleeding Chaos said...
Anon616, sadly, I do not have Crown Royal, nor do I drink it. Do you have any Skyy Vodka? ;)
Sorry BC, not a drop of Skyy Vodka in the house. I'm an Absolute gal!
Mayo,
I'm off for the night. I trust that you have been just completely overloaded by all the helpful advice and insight we have given.
This is quite the amazing place you have here. Every day someone threatens to leave, but we always bring them back. You must be a pretty special person to have such a hold over all of us.
....Well, we have grown pretty attached to each other too.
May you have a marvelous, relaxing Sunday....
Love to YOU Always,
S
Nite, Nite
Mayo hasn't updated his location or anything.
Usually he does after a post, doesn't he?
I'm just hoping as much as this concerns us, it's not making him heartsick as well.
-Amyranth
Welcome back Silence!
Bye Sdock. Very nice talking to you today. Sleep peacefully and see you around tomorrow.
Hang onto that proverbial rope.
Amyranth, I've never actually read Calvin and HObbes. True story. ^_^
Toujours:
but not being in a relationship, and having the only friends and family who will listen to you with open hearts be a group of lovely people on the internet? that's a whole 'nother kind of "alone".
Of course they are two different kinds of "alone," but that doesn't change the fact that spouses are not necessary, and the need for "love" and "romance" is a societal notion that's really more like a product than anything. You can't choose your family, unfortunately, but friends are good to have. Go out and get some. Find like-minded people or unlike-minded people who will challenge you. And in the meantime, enjoy the world, because it is wide open and it's an awesome thing.
Mustard:
But, that doesn't discount the fact that I hate, loathe waking up in the morning and starting the same old day although things are different. The same old shit all the time. What if there was someone else there to do that same old shit with? It wouldn't be the same old shit.
Actually, yes it would. Except that there would be someone in your face while you were doing that. Do you seriously believe that having another person go through the routine with you will make it less of a routine? Wrong; it is the same exact scenario. If you are in a rut, it's up to you to get yourself out of it. When you rely on another person to do it for you, you set everyone up for failure of epic proportions.
But, I don't want to have to. I don't want to have to live like this, never knowing what it was like to hold someone's hand, to get a hug, have a "first kiss", all that shit everyone else does in high school. I don't want to have to do that.
Well sure, that stuff is exciting and fun. But that whole "left out" feeling is a product of society's pressure. Now I know that is a difficult thing to face down. I'm just saying, don't sell yourself short just because you think that you have to get to those points at a certain time in your life. That's madness. And definitely don't rely on anyone else to get you out of your rut! God, believe me, having another person in your face does not make life much easier.
Be happy first, and then if someone comes along and you enjoy each other's company and those chemicals start telling you that you "feel" a certain way, then that's great, it's all good fun.
Lovers are like ice cream, yeah? They are awesome and fun and delish*, but they are also not necessary to your (emotional) survival.
Also, you devour them ravenously, throw away the empty carton and then maybe feel a little guilty later. ^_~
Yeah, pretty much I wish I hadn't read what you wrote. So, yeah.
ok, do i laugh, or feel really guilty? how about if i do both, because i already am.
not laughing at you, of course, mustard, but at the jolt of black humor your comment gave me.
*oh dear*
Elena,I really liked your post.
Mustard,hi!
It's nice seeing you around,new post means you guys with lack of internet strength can post!
Goodnight, Sdock!
Nite everyone.
Mustard, I shall tie it around my waist tonight while I sleep.
Faith, Hope, & Love
Alfuckingways,
s
sdock10 said...
K,
You rock. I would love to be just half like you because I half way kind of like the way I am too.
Make sense?
Not really?
Maybe a little?
Damnit...
YOu make a world of sense, Faithful Sdock. ^_^ You hold out your heart and I will hold out my sword, and we can meet somewhere in the middle and maybe put them both down for a rest, huh? ^_^
I totally understand your view Kapunua. Don't think I don't. I just need to ponder on your words some more. Chew them up and digest them. Give me a few?
k,
You better fucking believe it!!
Thank you for listening to my words
My heart was speaking and I was listening
Mayo listen to your heart...
Kapunua said.....
Of course they are two different kinds of "alone," but that doesn't change the fact that spouses are not necessary, and the need for "love" and "romance" is a societal notion that's really more like a product than anything.
I have always felt that getting married would not make me any more or less of a woman. It would simply make me a wife......
I feel the same about childern. Having them does not make one MORE or LESS of woman. It makes a woman a mother. And I do have the utmost respect for all the moms out there.
Sdock:
Don't roll over on me 'kay? I'm holding as long as you are.
Toujours:
Well, at least the little bit of humor that was in there did come across. It's just one of those things that hits you like a ton of bricks and you realize that, "Yep. That's how I feel" and then you have to choke back that knot in your throat because how you feel was made tangible and you have to deal with it. But, I'm glad you posted it.
Entropy:
Don't reduce yourself,ever, to dial-up. Mayo hates dial-up users obviously. ;)
I'm kidding Mayo. No serious jokes from me tonight.
*Pretends to gasp* Anon616, how could you? You do not have Skyy Vodka? ;D
kidding!
ive read this a million times but i dont get it...
Bleeding Chaos said...
*Pretends to gasp* Anon616, how could you? You do not have Skyy Vodka? ;D
kidding!
LOL, if it means that much to you BC; I can run to an all night liquor store and get some for ya!
;-)
sdock10 said...
k,
You better fucking believe it!!
^____^
mustardisbetter said...
I totally understand your view Kapunua. Don't think I don't. I just need to ponder on your words some more. Chew them up and digest them. Give me a few?
A few years? That's what it took me. ^_^
I have always felt that getting married would not make me any more or less of a woman. It would simply make me a wife......
I feel the same about childern. Having them does not make one MORE or LESS of woman. It makes a woman a mother. And I do have the utmost respect for all the moms out there.
Exactly.
Do you ever notice hos single people are made out to be less "human" than paired up people? LEss important? As if they've failed? Same for childless people. Childless either by choice or not, they are made to feel like failures. God, it makes me ill. All these rats in a goddamn race to populate an already overcrowded world. 2.5 children and a gas-guzzling SUV, walking through life with their eyes closed pretending that there's nothing more to life than shopping and breeding, making more money during the week and then getting tanked on weekends. What a bunch of clones.
And why should we even get married? It's such a farce. Only certain people can get married? "Love" doesn't count unless it's between a man and a woman?
Mind over matrimony, that's what I say.
I don't plan on it Mustard.
Mayo obviously does:)
Lol that's okay Anon616, but I would someone to smack me with a bottle. I have some pressure on my neck.
kapunua, i can't agrue with anything you said in response to me. i'm trying, but...nope.
you're right. spouses aren't necessary. but you know, when they're good, it's a really rewarding way to live your life.
i'm not exactly in any rush to find another one, mind.
i'm looking forward to discovering the shape of my own life, but it's the hardest, most painful thing i've ever done. and love? well, i don't know what that is anymore, not the romantic kind, so you might be right there, too. but i'm one of those damned idealists, so even if i had my shot at it, and blew it, i'm still going to buy the package deal.
somebody's got to cry at "sleepless in seattle". ^.^
Kapu I agree with everything you said. Its sick I'm 31 and everyone at my job is younger than me well not everyone but most. They all have kids and are shocked that I don't have any or want them.
Hello, anon616 and mustard!
Capture This Void said...
Purple? Well that's new.
November 11, 2007 2:06 AM
CTV has a point.
The colors have a meaning.
What is red?
What is purple?
Did anyone else notice there was no PS?
Mayo, are you going to step in and say something?
By the way hello to all my computer is being a bitch today once again.
red=passion
purple=of higher stance
crap. what the hell is "agrue"? i thought i proofed that comment.
anyway, sleep well sdock. ^.^
it sounds like mayo killed someone...
oh yeah no p.s...
Kapunua said...
Do you ever notice hos single people are made out to be less "human" than paired up people? LEss important? As if they've failed?
I feel that way at every single family event I go to! The next time an aunt, uncle or cousin looks at me - with sad, pathetic glances - and asks "You're STILL not married?" I swear, I'm going to tell them that I've been married and divorced 4 times since the last time they saw me. I think THAT would make them happier than my never being married ;-)
Poor, pathetic, single me......
I couldn't possibly know what true happiness is UNLESS I've been married. Pffft.....
*sigh*
i love the imagry as always
im so jealous, he writes so well
Anonymous said...
red=passion
purple=of higher stance
November 11, 2007 3:54 AM
Thanks!
Hang on.. was that just Mayo answering this..?
I think I just figured something out.
back when i was married, and "well-meaning" people would ask when we were going to have kids, my standard reply was "we're waiting to see if we can keep our cat alive first."
it shut them up.
every time.
The two red ones could have meant anger. They were kind of laden with madness.
I've always thought that purple was the color of royalty as well.
Hohum.
I don't know, Mayo?
toujours said...
kapunua, i can't agrue with anything you said in response to me. i'm trying, but...nope.
you're right. spouses aren't necessary. but you know, when they're good, it's a really rewarding way to live your life.
It can be rewarding, spending your life with another person. But there are other, maybe even more rewarding things to do. Like, to work to make the world a better place for its own sake. To go out and actually help society, instead of just settling down with a pleasant little job and a pleasant little spouse and a white picket fence and two yellow labs, 2.5 kids in a nice school with soccer practice every week etc.
Oh my god, I would just die.
but i'm one of those damned idealists, so even if i had my shot at it, and blew it, i'm still going to buy the package deal.
I'm probably the stupidest idealist I know. It's just, my "ideal" veers left of the norm.
somebody's got to cry at "sleepless in seattle". ^.^
Why, sure. It is, after all, a multi-billion dollar industry. ^_^
MarthaJones said...
Kapu I agree with everything you said. Its sick I'm 31 and everyone at my job is younger than me well not everyone but most. They all have kids and are shocked that I don't have any or want them.
Don't you hate that??
The colors have a meaning.
What is red?
What is purple?
Well red is passion (meaning any kind of passion: lust, anger, violence, lack of logic,) and purple is traditionally mourning. Well, black is, but purple is as well.
What Silence?
Because the 3:54 thing kind of clicked with 5:54.
I don't know...
Wow I did not notice there was no P.S. this time until someone mentioned it.
Bleeding Chaos said...
Lol that's okay Anon616, but I would someone to smack me with a bottle. I have some pressure on my neck.
I have a special little rubber hammer I use for neck and back purposes. I highly recommend them for relieving pressure!
Death is unavoidable
Regret is not
Hi hi everybunny!
Hi anon616! The number of the beassssst. Sorry. Maiden in my head...
<3iron maiden
Anonymous said...
it sounds like mayo killed someone...
Most awesome interpretation of the night. ^_^ Seriously.
Poor, pathetic, single me......
I couldn't possibly know what true happiness is UNLESS I've been married. Pffft.....
Exactly. Doesn't it get you so mad?
Anonymous said...
red=passion
purple=of higher stance
Well, like Mustard said, royalty.
"Passion" means so many things, you know? Implies so many things. Hate, lust, violence, blood and all the good and bad connotations that go with it. Just sayin'. It's like that for a reason.
Anonymous said...
it sounds like mayo killed someone...
I hope not! Wait, do they allow prisoners to blog???
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