Caught a wave.

Fake away the day
and you fail miserably
who you wish to be


p.s. under the radar and all tangled in tales, love.

Off the grid.

I have come to terms with the fact that eventually I am going to have to mention it. Will it be with sweeping metaphors or outright denial? Perhaps no one will understand.

For now I am listening to the little voice, and reevaluating priorities.

My lovelies, you are free to assume whatever you choose, but I will not be ignoring you. The electricity just doesn't buzz the same and I can't always find the switch.

End of the year...this shit is always out of hand.

p.s. this is how I have always imagined it for someone else.

Turn the breadcrumbs into baked goods.

It is quiet, and the weight of my somber mood holds my thoughts in check. I have given thanks. I meant each and every word. But I can't escape the boundaries defined by custom.

And I am grateful for you. The remarkable way you hold your ground. When I turned to myself for answers, I found strength and pride. When I turned to you, I found wisdom and patience. I could use some of that now.

Balance.

I think I will sleep tonight. I will allow my dreams to lay and lie along with me.


p.s. grateful for you as well (and the diversion).

Independent Endeavor

This is overdue. Please forgive me as I have been preoccupied with family. I had meant to post this earlier, in time with all of your moments of introspection, during "this is me". I think it is in good timing, as it seems a distraction could be in order...



I am a contradiction.



I am a planner, I plan everything. But, I have also been known to make snap decisions.

I am an idealist.
I am a realist.

I research the hell out of everything, but I am always changing my mind.
I am a workaholic, but can very easily sleep in too late...I have insomnia so the appeal of my dreams can be somewhat overwhelming.

I am a good listener, but I tend to talk over people (I am really working on that one).
I fear rejection on every level, but I am always drawing attention to myself.
I fear failure, but I am not afraid to try new things, and this constant change in scenery allows me to masquerade achievement.

I think I am always right, but I acknowledge that I make mistakes.
I am very independent and a control freak…I like to do things my way, myself. Yet, I am high maintenance and a bit of a scatter brain…therefore I require someone to look after me.

I have diagnosed clinical depression, but I can be the life of the party.

I have outrageously high standards for myself, but I am generous in allowing others to fault.
I am very loyal, but I have been known to wander off towards a novel stimulus like a moth to a flame.

I am empathetic.
I am selfish.
I am stubborn.
I crave change.

I have enjoyed kissing both women and men, but prefer women.

I am shy.
I am eccentric.
I am erratic.

I work hard, and I am passionate. I love life, my friends, and my family. I am always expressing myself

...even in silence.

Best Friend

The brick and mortar embellishment
conceals despair.
I buried it in the backyard,
along with that old rag of a dog,
that I loved and held to my heart.
Passed on and by too fast for
my eyes and hands to grab tight.
And I wonder now, if I had held
just a bit tighter, would I have
a handful of fur rather than dirt
and hurt?






p.s. been body snatching...Mayo is Keyser Söze.

Final, but not departing words...

I understand your need for answers, information, and reassurance.

I have been asked to offer a tailored invitation to each of you. I cannot in good conscience fulfill your request, not now. With the current climate here, I am afraid this would only escalate hurt feelings and finger pointing. What if I get it wrong?

Some of you are more open and I may know more about you, others are more reluctant to reveal themselves, or are perhaps new…how do I deal with this? I know your names, and yes, I can speak to most of your personalities, but not all...so you can see where that may lead. You have all come here with your individual voices, with your own intent, wanting to be heard, wanting to listen. All valid, yet you do not require my validation to set your sails.

"Mayonaise" is an important place for me. Although I make every attempt, I am unable to read all the heartfelt comments that you leave. I spend time with you after I post, and then I return when I am able to give you my full attention. You would be amazed at how skilled I have become at finding that time...somewhat of an artful dodger. If it ever appears that I have missed something, I apologize.

Please understand I am not evading, I am not ditching your request. I only fear that any misinterpretations at this time could be disastrous to whatever chance you have of restoring friendships. This is no longer about me. Stay here for each other. I will continue to post on “Mayonaise”. You may listen if you choose. Or you can ignore me, and continue to use this space to gather. Or you may choose to disappear.

I cannot take you for granted.
I am accountable for my actions.
I need you.

I have been asked to reveal myself to you. You all know me. I am whoever you want me to be, I am an artist, a poet, a singer, a motherfucker, and a contradiction, a mouthpiece, a friend, and an enemy, a brother, an informant, a whipping boy, a basket case, a queen, and a criminal...(credit to John Hughes.)


p.s. my fear, again...and I am hungry, but often I forget to eat.




"You have the exclusive right to be an exclusive asshole. But I don't have to like it."

Duplicitous I am not, a three dollar whore…well, maybe.

I am sad, no I am devastated.

Never once has this been about favoritism, cliques, or status. I just couldn’t fucking hear with all the noise and needed a little space.

I needed a place where it could be less abstract for me, and for you. I guess perhaps I am a cheap, greedy man.

I can’t stress enough the fact that it was your intense camaraderie that led me to believe that you all had some sort of life line with each other. You finish each others sentences like an old married couple, it's beautiful to see.

I made a mistake by asking one of you to deliver my message, and I am sorry.

In defense of the visitors, they only did as I requested, by keeping the space until I needed it.

I was not attempting to conceal anything. Mayonaise is for you to share, for everyone. It became more your home than mine, and that is amazing.

Kapunua, I would like to speak directly to your recent post, and in doing so speak to everyone. First, thank you. My gratitude may be expected but it carries an enourmous amount of worth. Second, I know that you are not naïve. For you to consider that I would exclude you, or anyone else is to say that you never heard me. And I know that each of you hear me. You are all my insight and my mirror. It is you that I look toward to pass judgment on me, and you have. I have failed you.

I am sorry.

P.S. Please stay, all of you, stay…not for me, but for each other.