Tuesday, August 12, 2008

For giving myself time.

We are all in some way the same. Any of us can be traced on parchment and placed over another and the outline will match, at some point. Keep turning the page until it fits just right. Call it coincidence, if you will.

I can hold you up against me and often the lines match up perfect.



The following is an excerpt from an old handwritten journal.

Yesterday I saw my reflection and waited for an answer. I stood there like an idiot, swaying and staring. It took a while, but what I found was strength and self-respect. The bags packed themselves and walked right out the door. My hand held tightly to all that really mattered, my own heart. All of my abandon had left the poor thing in a sad state, atrophied. But if I am patient and use it a little more each day it will regain its once youthful bounce. It will be fit for giving...forgiving. Forgiving.




(I needed the white noise as well.)


p.s. it is yours and no one can take it away.

4,926 comments:

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Anonymous said...

SS, did you float by here earlier? You're like Casper the friendly ghost. I can't see you, but I know you are here.

sdock10 said...

Size 5's.




BlogBelieve,

Thanks for the neverending support.

Nite guys. Sleep tight and stuff.

Death By Pumpkin Pie said...

Good night everyone. I hope you have sweet dreams. I know I will :)

Anonymous said...

Tonight is just one of those nights. All I can do is sigh and wait for the sugar to wear off. I hope to hell someone who ends up here has a much better night and comments on it so I can mooch happiness. Here's to hope...

Anonymous said...

Goodnight solly. Hi Amy, anons

Anonymous said...

Sdock, you must have a good heart for your own sake if nothing else.
You didnt lose you. You stuffed her way down and released the true you. If other people cant deal with it,then move on. You'll know when that is beacuse your heart will never lie to you.

Amy, put your damn brain back in your skull. First your "bits" hanging out and now your brain.
^_-
Good luck with the job you are going for.

Anonymous said...

Goodnight Amy, pumpkin pie, sweet dreams. Damn, this blog is indeed dead

Anonymous said...

What's up 10:59?

I, had a pretty nice day celebrating my daughter's birthday by spending obscene amounts of money at the mall. She had a great day, to say the least. I am exhausted and ready for bed.

Anonymous said...

my face has more wrinkles than a satin dress on prom night.

Anonymous said...

Now that sounds like fun! Celebrating a child is one of the best ways to spend a day.

Bleeding Chaos, the parts that live mess with your head too. Gotta love this place.

Anonymous said...

Smile and no one will notice them.

Anonymous said...

when i take off my clothes, my skin looks like a mudslide.

Anonymous said...

Remain clothed.

Or just get over it and accept yourself.

Anonymous said...

i have more chins than a chinese phonebook.

Anonymous said...

First anon at 11:12,

I'll be lucky to even have one wrinkle by the time I'm 35.

Second anon at 11:12,

Indeed. Now where's the crickets?

Anonymous said...

Solly, all of you have a good heart. :D

Me, fail English? That's unpissible!

10:34, that is so nice of you, thank you for continuing to add to the making of my night. Just when I think it couldn't pissibly get any nicer...! ^_^

Good X files episode I just saw, the one with the Seraphim and the Nephalim. I love stuff like that; I love stories that hinge on disabilities or unusual and so-called "negative" aspects in humans really being something divine. Pretty neat!

Welp! Back to it. :D

Anonymous said...

Also, "Mission Impissible" made me LOL too.

Anonymous said...

11:15,

Don't you get tired of criticizing yourself?

Anonymous said...

my feet are so fat it looks like i'm baking bread in my shoe.

Anonymous said...

Yeah? Well, I have to read your insulting yourself just to visit this blog. Who's got it worse?

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield!

Anonymous said...

i get no respect!

Anonymous said...

Mayo's blog gets no love anymore.

Anonymous said...

Neither do the lovelies.

Anonymous said...

it's sad

Anonymous said...

at least mayo has the love of his wife.

Anonymous said...

I still have blog love, it's agape.

Anonymous said...

He sure seems happy too. o_0 Just read the posts. I don't see any newer happy posts.

Anonymous said...

blog love is so six months ago.

Anonymous said...

!1:35,

You got my respect *grin*

How are you anons doing tonight?

Anonymous said...

Mayo's recent posts have been sad ones, but his "lovelies" don't see it. they're to wrapped up in themselves to see it.

Anonymous said...

Bleeding Chaos,
I have cramps, thanks for asking.

Love is timeless. Or some shit like that.

Anonymous said...

Read back to the anon comments on the first page. Maybe some were to him. They all seem sad.

Anonymous said...

Mayo gets no love anymore. his lovelies spend two minutes on his posts and then it's back to talking about themselves.

lewishasfallensloppydead said...

Ahh ha ha! I bet ya all bug-eyed too aren't ya Rodney!? We miss you pal!

Hiya Mayo!

That sounded waaay too chipper for me. So sorry. Hey Mayo.

Where the hell have you been man!? Had us all worried for a while there! Very happy to see ya. I don't want to get sappy at you. But I am proud of you for following your heart. (It's about damn time!) And I am curious to see where it takes you.

And I don't know about the other lovelies, but uhh... I don't think WE would match so good... Unless ya have C cups. Is there something you want to tell us man? :P


I knew it.


Ah ha.

And about that riddle, you did say not to cheat yea? Welllll. I am gonna if you don't give it up already! I haven't read the books yet. But I will if you pull this much longer..

And come on now, who put the riddle up about the creature thingy? BI said it wasn't her right? So who put that one up and who has the fricken answer!? You are all driving me mad. (And I have little doubt that I wasn't quite there already.)

I hope everyone is doing good, some very crappy news lately. But I hope that improves soon, for everyone. -loves

And hi BC!! I am off, hope ya good! talk with yaz!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I hope you feel better 11:56.

Not sure about the love is timeless line. I'm too cynical to believe in that crap.

lewishasfallensloppydead said...

Oh! And hello to all the Anon's! Happy, sad, cynical. We are a bit dark around here lately aren't we? But not much lighter on the outside! :(

Hope ya good BC? Maybe we'll catch each other some other time? I have to dash, but I wanted to say HELLO BC! I missed ya! o.k- bye!

Anonymous said...

They visit Mayo like it's crack but Mayo never visits any of them. Doesn't even have time to address them here. Sooooo busy... I know.

toujours said...

hello hello!

hey...where is everybody?

well, that's okay, because that's fewer people to be annoyed by what i'm about to do. :)

see, i would have been here earlier tonight, but i got majorly distracted -- i found a huge stash of pics from this year's pennsic war! :D

pennsic is the big event in the entire known world -- we're talking sca here, people, and this is an annual war (two-week camping event) held over in pennsylvania, for 37 years now! it's huge -- they stopped counting attendance at 10,000 and that was about 15 years ago. i hope to go someday. :)

it's the only war in the sca that was declared and accepted by the same king. the guy sent a friendly little war arrow to the kingdom of the east when he was king of the middle kingdom -- and then a few years later, after moving and winning the crown tournament in the east, found the arrow (it had been filed away and forgotten) and was quite properly outraged! war ensued and it was so much fun they've done it ever since. :)

seeing these pics has made me completely and utterly nostalgic and as a consequence, i must pic spam. i apologize!


a fighter in the opening procession.
(he made that armor, btw, and fights in it, though not with that blade.)


queens chatting.
(and one really over-the-top crown!)


two kings at the ceremony before the first battle.



battle!
(there's a yellow and white checked flag in the center with a black lion on it: that's the banner of my kingdom! vivat an tir! vivat an tir! vivat an tir! *grin*)


single combat tournament: he's had his legs cut off, but still fights valiantly!
(he's probably toast, though.)


the sca is srs bizness.



ok, maybe not so much.
lol lol lol

we're not all kings and queens and armor, there's tons of ordinary people, too, but we just don't make for the most exciting pictures. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Lewis! I hope you're well. I'm okay, thanks. Take care, and I hope we'll talk soon *hugs*

11:59,

Guilty as sin, but reading the posts don't interest me anymore, to be honest. Mostly because the cryptic got a bit annoying after a while, so I discontinued reading them. Eh.

Anonymous said...

Hi TJ, I hope you're well? It's just us and a few anons here.

toujours said...

hey bc, so i see. i was just catching up with the comments. the anons don't think too highly of us, do they?

when do you start school, bc? you must be excited!

Anonymous said...

BC, congrats on being honest about that.

TJ, I read about that and similar tourist attractions on ye olde blogs. PA seems to love medieval culture and events. The pics are cool, thanks for sharing.

Original Punk J said...

And now you get me, too! *crowd looks annoyed, no cheering, only raspberries*

OI! Bugger off, you crowd you.

Anon at 11.59, let me be honest with you. I have a really hard time figuring out what the Hell Mayo says most of the time. I try to analyze his posts, but usually the cryptic overwhelms me and I just don't bother. I'm still ok to talk to him, but as for the posts? No clue.

Hey BC and TJ and Lewis and all the anons, what's happened to everyone?

toujours said...

you're welcome, 12:21 -- but, to be pedantic, the sca isn't just in pennsylvania, it's worldwide. if you want to see some of that up-close, go to sca.org and look for a group in your area, you don't have to be a member (or wear garb) to go to a public demo. it's fun!

er...

/shameless plug


hi j.! how are you tonight?

Original Punk J said...

Not bad, TJ. Actually, a little hungry; think I'll go get a snack (real, not BlogBelieve). Be back in a minute.

While I'm gone, could you please explain what "sca" stands for? Ima outta da loop.

toujours said...

and let me just chime in on the whole "reading/not reading mayo's posts" thing -- i suspect no one will be surprised to discover that i read them, i love reading them, i love the ones where he tells us something from his life, i love the ones where he shares his poetry, i love the ones where he's off in mr. cryptic-ville and making my brain bubble out of my ears.

i wish he was still posting three or four times a week, but if once weekly works for him, then i'm okay with that, too.

*stops waving the fangirl flag*

Anonymous said...

No problem anon. TJ, maybe ^_^

I start classes in three weeks. I'm excited, but a bit nervous. Those links you posted about the tournament looks exciting, and it reminded me so much of a time where I went to Medieval Times(It's a medieval-themed restaurant where you can see armor covered fighters riding on horses while jousting) It was great!

Hi J, how are you? *hugs*

Anonymous said...

TJ, the SCA pics are wicked awesome. I used to think about maybe joining them and stuff, but someone told me that they were really hardcore and that the "creative" part of SCA meant that you had to make your own clothes and really live it; like do without plumbing and stuff. (Which seemed to contradict with the "anachronism" part.)

Those pics make it look like tons of fun though, and some of those guys are purdy hot.

Also TJ, I keep forgetting to tell you, I did see your Miss Mantis drawing. Whoop whoop! So lovely! Do you mind if I saved her to my hard drive?

toujours said...

j., i wrote a comment explaining the sca and blogger trashed it. attempt two, coming up!

kapunua -- there are authenticity nuts and there are people who are just there to have fun, it's a complete mixed-bag. you shuld just go to an event -- borrow some garb, go to something that's just a day long (wait to try the camping until you're totally hooked *grin*), and see what it's like!

i'll bet you'll like it...

(the first one's free...*grin*)

and i don't mind that you saved the mantis at all. :D

Original Punk J said...

BC! I too have been to Medieval Times! Wasn't it a riot? By the time you get your food, you don't CARE that you have to eat it all with your hands! That was the place where I got so wrapped up in the jousting that I was yelling "KICK HIM IN THE HEAD!" at our section's knight. :D

L has never let me live that down.

And I'm good, btw. :) And yourself?

toujours said...

so, the sca stands for the society for creative anachronism, and it was started in berkley back in the 60's by some history students who were also fans of tolkein and so forth (marion zimmer bradley and her sister-in-law diana paxson, to be specific) who decided to have a medieval-themed party one may day.

it caught on and now it's a world-wide organization -- more kingdoms than i can remember. people create a persona (someone who might have lived in some period of medieval history). anything that was done in the middle ages, you will find someone in the sca researching it and re-creating it.

and we show off our skills and have fun at all sorts of events -- tournaments and feasts, camping events, bardic circles, arts & sciences competitions, dances, plays, archery...

it's so much fun -- mostly it's still a bunch of weirdos who read too much fantasy, watch too much star trek and monty python, and want to pretend that the ideals of the middle ages are real and valid, getting together and somehow actually making it real. :)

i miss it, haven't been able to play since before the divorce. but i'll get back into it.

Anonymous said...

J, I know! Going to that place can be quite fun. Since forks and spoons did not exist during those times, you just had to eat with your hands. I was in Florida the first time I went there, but there is another location not too far from here ^_^

I'm glad to hear you're well. I'm doing good, I'm gonna try to send an email to these people at this apartment that I'm interested in. Be back in a few

Anonymous said...

There is a chapter out here too, TJ, in Suffolk. It's a bit west of me. (Aside from frigging Montauk and Orient, what isn't?) But once in a while I look at the web page and I go, "Hmm. That looks pretty decent." ^_^

Well, time for me to hit the scratchy hay. Goddamn, it's already almost one? WTF?! And I still have a book to finish. NIGH IMPISSIBLE.

Night!

toujours said...

good night kapunua!

(just try it, try it...*heehee*)

Original Punk J said...

We went to the one in Orlando too, BC. L won a trip from the Orlando Chamber of Commerce; she got four round-trip airline tickets, the Medieval Times dinner, a mystery dinner-theater dinner (which was really good, both the show and the dinner--prime rib, not too shabby), passes to Kennedy Space Center (which was MY favorite part, it's awe-inspiring to see the Saturn 5 rocket and so many of the others), just tons of stuff that was both fun and educational. That was back in '99 or 2000, I think.

Thanks TJ for the info! So it's the group/s that sponsor the Renaissance Fairs, essentially?

toujours said...

well, you'll probably see a lot of sca-folk at renaissance fairs, but they're actually a whole different thing. the sca is participatory, whereas a renaissance fair is more performance.

Anonymous said...

J, that's really cool :)

Original Punk J said...

Hmm. Ok, I see.

And you were part of one of the kingdoms? That was in Seattle, right? What kinds of things did you do?

toujours said...

Hmm. Ok, I see.

lol, yes, i know. it's kinda hard to explain. :)

well, my interest was in 13th century england, so most of my research was focussed on taking the facts of my modern life , and figuring out how they would have translated into a medieval life. it's interesting!

in the branch i was in, i was a herald for awhile (so i can actually "read" a coat of arms *grin*), and did a lot of scribal stuff: calligraphy and making award scrolls. my group was famous for its cooking, so i did that too.

and i camped alot, and my ex was in archery, so i watched him and worked on my sewing.

i wish i had a pic of me along to show, but they're all packed away.

Original Punk J said...

Ergo said...

oh and re yesterdays discussion, male perspective "We are just dumb" and "We like looking at you like that so we assume you'll like looking at us"


*laughs quietly to self, shakes head*

I'm guessing this was Hubby's response? O he of the annoying, dangerous right hand? Tell him...thanks?

You know, I haven't gotten answers from either Mayo or SS. Maybe they're taking time to think about it.

Yeah. That's it.

toujours said...

oh! but i made a lot of my own gear, all our garb (by hand). i made a day shade for our campsite one year -- a 9' x 12' monstrosity out of white canvas and decorative white and green cotton edges, all put up with poles and ropes. it was a massive project. *whew*

Original Punk J said...

Dang, woman, all that work and sleeping outside, too! And doing other things outside...

*squinches face up*

Not for me, thankyousomuch. As Dave Barry once said, and this is not the exact quote, "Camping is why God made hotels."

-J is not an outdoors kind of girl

ergoproxy said...

hello :]


brb

Anonymous said...

Hi Ergo

toujours said...

lost my connection for a teeny bit. :/

hi ergo!

it was fun, j.! trust me. plus, the guys all believe in chivalry, so it's very safe and there's a lot of good-natured flirting.

oh gosh! when i get back into it, i'll be single.

*heh heh heh*

*rubs hands in anticipation*

Original Punk J said...

L just brought this out and asked me to post it for her.

So here it is:


EMERALD said...

Mayo, SS, everyone,

Thinking about the oddest thing tonight, and yeah, I wanted to share with you. We have a place here called Monteagle Mountain, on the way from Chattanooga to Nashville. This is an extremely steep, extremely curvy mountain, so that, if you are traveling east, you best still have the receipt for those new brakes in the glovebox.

There is a comedian named Tim Wilson who talks about this mountain and being pulled over for speeding while driving down the VERY steep section. When the officer asks, "Do you know you were speeding?" the reply is:

"Yeah, I was speeding. I was falling off a damn CLIFF!"

Sometimes you just have to laugh, even if you're falling off a damn cliff.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Love,
L.

Original Punk J said...

Hi Ergo!

TJ, hey, something to look forward to! Flirting is fun.

But I still don't like the outdoors.

sally said...

Evening everyone!

How have you all been?

Anonymous said...

Lol. Goodnight and sweet dreams L

ergoproxy said...

I'm back fro a bout an hour at home then private titoring again!!

hey TJ J K
everyone well?

and hello to L *waves*

Original Punk J said...

About as good as I can be at the moment, Ergo! How's work going? You "sound" out of breath!

toujours said...

hello elune.

how's your day been so far ergo?

ergoproxy said...

Hi BC and elune

sally said...

*waves to everyone*

J, out of curiosity, what was the question?

ergoproxy said...

day was good
all the kids were nice

only one no show, I see the other 2 tomorrow, and then the same as today then all on friday too

we'll have online activities too next week

Original Punk J said...

Hey Elune! Well, last night some of us were discussing an incident involving a singer (the guy from Cute Is What We Aim For), some personal pictures, and his ex-girlfriend. Well, she is now.

He'd sent her these pics earlier on. At one point they broke up, and she posted them all over the Internet.

So we were discussing WHY men like to take pictures of their penises. Not having any other male perspective, I asked Mayo and SS if they knew why.

Still waiting for those answers. :D

toujours said...

that's good to hear, ergo. :)

Anonymous said...

Hello, Guys!
It seems I have forgotten my password since it has been so long since I have been here!
How is everyone?

Anonymous said...

Why is there personal info on the first page?

Anonymous said...

Hi Elune *waves*

ergoproxy said...

hi Mya


and yes J that was "he of the annoying and dangerous hand"'s answer

sally said...

Ohhh, the good old pee pee shots! *smirks*

Incredible how the mind works with an additional appendage.

Somehow I doubt you will get a response J :)

Anonymous said...

Hi, Ergo!

Anonymous said...

hey mya

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that I have forgotten my password!
Pisses me off!

Anonymous said...

Hi, BC!

mya said...

Is this it?

Original Punk J said...

Hi Mya!

You're kidding me, Ergo. He actually said "We are just dumb"? No, wait, that sounds like something a guy would say about it. Lots of grinning, some shrugging. Yep, I can see it.

As Miss T would say, Aw bless.

mya said...

Oh, good grief!
I was using the wrong email address!

mya said...

Has anything major happened while I was away?

Original Punk J said...

Elune said...

Somehow I doubt you will get a response J :)


Yeah, I know, but it never hurts to ask, now does it? Maybe they'll surprise us all.

And maybe I'm fabulously rich and famous. :P

toujours said...

hello, mya!


unfortunately, it's time for me to go to bed. thanks for indulging me on the sca pic spam. :)

good night, everyone!

mya said...

G'nite, TJ

ergoproxy said...

oh yes J that was the answer, and I think it pretty much sums up guys

Original Punk J said...

Goodnight TJ, have a good rest. See you tomorrow!

sally said...

Goodnight toujours

mya said...

Well, I'm off to bed too.
Goodnight!

sally said...

Actually, I'm tired so I will head off too.

Just dropped in to say a quick hello to all.

Take care everyone and have a good night!

ergoproxy said...

goodnitgh TJ sweet dreams

Original Punk J said...

Goodnight Elune, goodnight Mya! Sweet dreams.

ergoproxy said...

wow mass exodus....do I smell?

lol


goodnight mya an delune lovely to see you again
sweet dreams

Anonymous said...

Goodnight TJ, Elune, Mya sweet dreams

Original Punk J said...

Not any worse than we do, Ergo. And I had a shower not 7 hours ago. Maybe we smell TOO GOOD! :D

ergoproxy said...

maybe it is J!!

well I am off again, I won't be about probably at all for 2 days, I'll catch up later at night (my night)

so if anyone wants me email!!!

I'd love to hear from anyone :)

I'll be in withdrawal!!

bye

♥xx♥

Anonymous said...

hugs ergo. no you dont smell!

Original Punk J said...

See you in a few, Ergo! I'll miss you; I'll try to email you while you're out. Take care! Have a great evening!

Anonymous said...

Enjoy titoring Ergo. Take care

toujours said...

mayo,

today was an official "lost day" for me. i declared it so.

after two nights of succumbing to the lure of the meteor shower, and how many nights before that likewise to the lure of this blog?, i was dead on my feet today. i helped my folks out with a couple of things this morning, but was a zombie.

then, mid-morning, when i woke up on the floor and realized i had fallen asleep while reading (i was sitting on the floor to start with, just to be clear. i'm melodramatic, but i'm not that melodramatic), i decided to write off the day, crawl into bed, and read/sleep/read/sleep as my body required.

i'm grateful that right now i can do that. soon enough i'll just have to suck it up, drink the coffee, chew the grinds, and go to work anyway.

so, that was my day. *grin*


but there's something i want to tell you, mayo.

earlier, when i made the comment about reading your posts, though maybe i was excessive in my zeal, still, it's true. i like the way you write, i enjoy reading your posts, as much as for the way you put words together as for what you say with them. if this makes me ridiculous, well, then i am. i won't lie about what i like in writing.

and the anniversary of your blog is just around the corner now.

and because i am ridiculous, i'm a little afraid of it. it has a millennial end-of-the-world feeling to me. a full year is a very tidy place to end a blog.

because you will end it, someday, won't you? this blog is finite, i think. someday, the bubble will pop. it's not what i want, but nor is it my decision, and i can respect that, and honor that.

but when that happens, and you disappear, there will be a hole in my life. i will miss your words, more than i can even understand myself.


and most likely i am just indulging in my patented look-at-the-hill-and-make-a-marge-sound worry skillz.

but i wanted to tell you how i felt.


good night, mayo. sweet dreams.

and thank you.

Original Punk J said...

'Bout my usual bedtime too. Off again.

Goodnight BC and Anon, you guys are gonna be the only ones in the big, dark, quiet Castle...! Watch out for creepy-crawlies!

love, faith, hope, questions, answers

Anonymous said...

Haha, thanks J. Goodnight and sweet dreams to you.

I'm off for the night as well. Goodnight anon, anyone lurking.

Sugarplum: I hope you're okay *smooooch and hugs*

Miranth: Yep, I miss you too. I hope you're having a wonderful week *hugs*

Night!

Original Punk J said...

Mayo,

Thanks for posting a new entry. We're seeing so much less of you these days; you must be terribly busy not to have time to stay and chat.

Maybe you should make another date like you did before. That was fun. We really do enjoy when you hang around and talk with us. No, I'm not sucking up, it's just good to hear you talk about your day, or what's bugging you, or whatever.

You know, regular everyday stuff.

Give your heart the time it needs to heal, Mayo, but realize if you take too much time, your life will be over and filled with only regrets and not love.

Goodnight, my friend. Sleep well.

Original Punk J said...

SS darlin',

Just so you won't worry: you didn't miss the grocery store trip. I didn't go today. Yes, I hear you cheering from that far away. We'll go later. I'll let you know. ;D

It's very quiet here tonight--again. The one good thing about staying up past midnight is that you pretty much have your immediate world to yourself. I have some classical music playing, no one else is awake, and the night has closed around itself like a flower. It's not just quiet: it's serene.

I hope that whatever you're doing, wherever you are, you're experiencing some serenity too. It's a wonderful way to cleanse your soul. I wish for you a glorious, warmly embracing, star-filled night, visited by the dreams that, for you, are the sweetest.

Goodnight, baby. I love you.

My heart to yours, always.


P.S. I think of you often, and always with a smile.

elena said...

Mayo

Last night I had no words for you. The day had sucked. Well guess what? Today was worse. Oh, about ten times worse. The kind of day that made me just want to give up. I’m tired of all the shit I’m dealing with each day. Yesterday I wanted to close my eyes and sleep. When things got worse today that was my first thought. But something happened. I’m still not sure what but I suddenly realized I’ve come to far to fall back into that pattern of behavior. I will not let anyone make me doubt myself ever again. I am who I am. If that’s not good enough, then that’s just how it has to be. I’ve finally reached a place in my life where I’m able to look in a mirror. The person staring back at me? No, I don’t love her but damn it, I like her. I can see she has possibilities. I’m moving forward. I don’t want to do it alone but if I have to that’s not my decision. I can’t go back. I won’t go back. I won’t give in and conform to what others want me to be. If I did then they would be getting a fake. They would get a lie. Time won’t rewind. The past is gone and there is nothing I can do to change that. So many things I wish I could change. I wish I hadn’t let myself stay buried for so long but I was afraid. That is truly the bottom line. I was afraid. And yeah, I’m still afraid. But I’m more afraid of falling back than I am of moving ahead.

And yeah, the forecast for tomorrow ain’t looking so good. No doubt it will be another stormy day. Words will rain down, hurtful words. But they won’t come from my mouth. That’s not who I am. I will be the woman shaking those words off my skin and moving towards the sunshine.

Night Mayo

Elena (no surrender)

Oh and one more thing. I was trying to read back and catch up with everything that happened here when I saw an anon comment that basically said poor old Mayo don’t get any love from the Lovelies anymore. That you post and we only spend a few minutes on it then go back to talking about ourselves. That’s not true, you know. You are the absent friend who is in our thoughts, always. Just because we don’t say the words I know you can feel the emotion. And if you ever need to hear them you need only ask.

Anonymous said...

The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.

But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.


You gave this to me, now I shall give it to you.
You come to me in my dreams, and there we are together.
We will be with each other soon, dear one.
Can you believe it?

Anonymous said...

Not remotely. But I think I will like the surprise.

I just have no idea what to say. It's too much. I love it, thank you just doesn't seem to cut it. To little a word- thanks. All the world in this moment. It's beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Golden slumber kiss your eyes,
Smiles await you when you rise.
Sleep,
pretty baby,
Do not cry,
And I'll sing you a lullaby.

Care you know not,
Therefore sleep,
While I o'er you watch do keep.
Sleep,
pretty darling,
Do not cry,
And I will sing a lullaby.

Anonymous said...

lewis im so happy for you.good luck to you and yours. you seem so in love with each other.

Anonymous said...

I get you, I will. I just wanted to read that one more time. Maybe I'll sleep with Edith tonight. I think you're crazy. But I can't stop grinning. And I feel a little sick. So I must be crazy too. Thank you again, I can't find the right words. You took them away from me with all this. I hope you are good then? you seem rather well. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And goodnight, love to you.

Anonymous said...

5:15 I won't confess all by myself. But your words are appreciated. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

you're welcome.suggestion both of you should not do it here.can't you contact each other in private?such a shame.it's becoming too obvious.

miranth said...

Hi love anons *waves*

Hi anyone who's here. I hope everyone received my messages on the last page of the last post.

I feel horribly unwell.

I know a lot of others do as well. I hope you feel better, BI. And your father, as well.

Wendy - *hugs*

TJ - My friend and I were interested in Pennsic at one time as well. I just fear that I would sleep not at all!

Mayo - Thanks for the post. I take it that it provides the answer to the riddle. I did feel that the screen reflects us, but yes, we also resemble each other. And yes, I have noticed resemblances where there should be none. See I can be oblique, too!

PS - I am sure I received an answer, though which one I am to heed, I know not.

There are a lot of things no one can take away, including forgiveness.


Goodbye Everybody! ♥

miranth said...

Anons - I don't even pretend to understand.

But good luck, in any case.

Anonymous said...

it's so sweet about lewis and r

Shame in me said...

Quick hi and bye.
i can just about manage to read mayos new post and that is it i have no time anymore :( but i wish you all well and hope you are all good.
One day soon i will get to spend a little time in the house. Love to you all ♥

sdock10 said...

*pops the top off a can Mayo's Crunk Juice*

*swallows 2 green tea*

*waits for the caffeine to start working*

Would someone please wake me up? Gahh, I am so sleepy.



BlogBelieve,

Have a great Wednesday!

It's a Meg White kind of day. I think I will just sit back, smirk, sing along, kick some ass, and wait to be spoken to.

ergoproxy said...

hello again :}

oh I've had a big busy long day

hey miranth

hi sdock Meg is asleep right now but I'm sure she'd say "Just cluck it all!"

and you should watch this video, by Shawn from the Matches, who I love, on downloading music, apart from great music, he is such a funny and slightly offbeam individual
why you should pay for music

sdock10 said...

Mayo,

How are ya? I sure hope you're doing well and getting more sleep than I seem to be getting these days. Oh well, oh well, oh well..there's always the weekend, I suppose. It's not like I have any big plans.

But I could....

And I should...

Start planning, I mean.

So....

I looked into the mirror this morning. Actually, I've been looking in the mirror a lot more since I've been back home. And I would almost swear, that I look different.

Not better....just different.

It's funny. A mirror doesn't tell the whole story. For that, we just need to look for our reflection in someone else's eyes.

Now, if I could only trust that.

I'm leaving you the song that I woke up singing. I've bolded the best part.


Troubadour

I still feel 25,
most of the time.
I still raise a little cain with the boys.
Honky tonks and pretty women.
Lord I'm still right there with them.
Singing above the crowd and the noise.

Sometimes I feel like Jesse James,
Still trying to make a name.
Knowing nothings gonna change what I am.
I was a young troubadour,
when I rode in on a song.
and I'll be an old troubadour,
when I'm gone.


Well, The truth about a mirror,
It's that a damned old mirror
Don't really tell the whole truth,
It don't show what's deep inside.
Or read between the lines,
and it's really no reflection of my youth.


I was a young troubadour,
when I rode in on a song.
and I'll be an old troubadour,
when I'm gone.
I'll be an old troubadour,
when I'm gone.


I know, right? It's good.

Mayo, have a nice day. It's raining here and I can't crawl back in bed, so I am gonna hope that it washes some shit away.

Love to YOU Always,
S

p.s. Scrubbing off the layers.

sdock10 said...

Ergo!

"Cluck it ALL!" Tell Meg that I said, "Cluck yeah, and thanks for the inspiration!"

I love it!

Hope you have sweet dreams!

ergoproxy said...

thanks sdock, hope you have a lovely wednesday :)

ergoproxy said...

Mayo
well here I am officially back in the work force after 6 1/2 years! It's been a while.
And you never know I may get a foot in for next year, I don't want to go back full time.
So I'm home after 12 hours out, had my pizza, home made, ham, pineapple (cringe if you like)and olives, we live too far away for take away. 2 nice glasses of wine and about to relax a bit more before bed.
Hope you've had a fulfilling day, wishing you excitement, honesty, opportunities and courage.
Much love EP xx

SS hope all is well, things tend to move along at such a pce, sometimes it's hard to keep up!
Sending you patience, organisation and assisstance
lotsa love EP xx

goodnight blogbelieve see you in my morning

hi to PP kass fasc safe and other s coming

Wendy it's such a difficult time for you and your community now, hoping you can all support each other, and remember the young men with fondness.
Thinking of you all
xx



♥xx♥

Anonymous said...

I think about you in every moment and every image of you hurts me horribly. I want to feel every thought, every whisper you say in the deep silence of the eternity of your soul. To be able to cry beside you, you in me, to be able to understand why our hearts beat, why we live among moments and not among eternities. H

August 9, 2008 7:32 PM

oops, definitely words not for you

Death By Pumpkin Pie said...

Good morning everyone (it's 6:49 am). I have been in a funk lately but I feel great today.

I was thinking about a quirk/problem I have. When I talk to people I never look into their eyes. My gaze is directed somewhere around the lips but I am not really seeing those either. I can talk to someone and not even remember what they looked like. I do believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul and if I don't feel comfortable with you than why should I let you in. My windows are frosted glass. I can look at people in the eye when they aren't looking at me but then when they do, I look away.

Well a while back I met the owner of this wonderful blog. I was extremely uncomfortable but I forced myself to look eye to eye. To think that I almost blew that chance. I want to apologize for being so aloof.

Sorry, I am babbling.

Well I hope everyone has a great day!!! I'll pop in later. You guys are awesome and have been so sweet. Thank you :)

ergoproxy said...

elena
you are beautiful, you are strong, oyu are you.
Don't let anyone tell you you aren't good enough
The woman in the mirror should be proud of herself

ergoproxy said...

"you are you"



hello DBPP have a great day

Anonymous said...

You met the owner of this blog? How and who?

Anonymous said...

I do not think the owner of this blog is who you think it is.

Anonymous said...

8:33 who are you talking to?

Pickled Possum said...

Goodmorning everyone!

Hi Mayo!
You're turning into more of a post and and runner than me. How can that be? No one is allowed to be more socially incompatible than me!

Although you may actually top me* in this contest as you're the host.
O_o

I feel both Mustard and Socky's words and experiences in your post. It's good to see you still read by a little every now and then.

Nice to see you back, and I hope your heart is close to fit again.


Hi SS!
Well, our excellent friend, I appear to be doing a right rubbish job at finding you these days. Look what you've made a poor little eyestrained possum resort to. It isn't pretty is it? =(
*wrings hands in despair and looks wistfully, and just a tad crosseyed due to lens strength, in the wrong direction away from SS*

Sorry lol. It's been one of those days. =)












*to beat.

Dirty girls! ;)

Pickled Possum said...

Well, bugger me and back again!

Do my eyes deceive me?

Was that really Sister Midnite and Shame In Me back in blue? O_O

Yes, it really was!

Absolutely, spectacularly fantastic to see you two long lost babes in the wood return! =)))

Now, before you go wandering off again please make sure you pack some string in your pockets this time.*a not so subtle hint*

And also some chocolate; some indestructable undies (please confer with MissT on availability); some impossibly high boots (got to look good while wandering. Also good for impaling marshmallows for toasting over a fire); some marshmallows; a spare charger for your choice of music device; new hair accessories (leaves in the hair are so last Fall); and a strapping young lad to carry it all for you and also to rub your weary shoulders which are extremely weighed down with the responsibility of looking so damn beautiful all the time. ;)

But, yes, in short, lovely to see you both. =)

Pickled Possum said...

Ergo,

Congratulations on your successful assimilation! I hope it goes well for you. =)

Mayo's comment reminded me of The Living End as well. =)
I have not been able to get White Noise out of my head for weeks! It just sticks. The drums and bass sound so good through proper speakers.
Ooh, did you see TLE are represented in the US by Adeline, Billy Joe Armstrongs label?
Very cool indeed.

Mustard,
Pink noise
I am always in awe of your musical knowledge!

And thanks, Informative Anon for the pink noise info.

It's Me, Mya, Safe, Elune, Lewis -
Lovely to see you all as well.
I hope today finds your mind a little more decided on what path to take, It's Me.

For All,
Thank you. =)

Okey doke, I could talk the spots off a teenager tonight. Zipping it now.

Hope you all have a great day.
'Night. =)

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

♥♥


(it's been so crazy, i thought i had lost you)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

It's not just about trust. I don't know how to do this. I've read about, I've seen it. Found it to be unreal in beauty and wonder and unreal in total bullshit and convenience. And who's to say you are trustworthy? Who's to say you're pretty words aren't just -pretty? Theres no knowing, which I guess is a bit of the point, in all of it. But I don't like it much. I hope you are well. You seem sad, but hopeful? I didn't mean to imply that was your fault. I do see how that came across though, and I am sorry. Theres no way that was on anyone, but them. And me, for being too eager. I have given it back now, if you want it, it's there. And I have been out, I miss everyone. You know that. I just haven't felt like putting on something nicer to wear. I like my sweats. They are not so binding. And honestly, I don't know if you should doll yourself up either. I would feel silly, so underdressed beside you. But I don't want to dance in front of people. I get nervous- and that makes people uncomfortable. If you dare, you can veil even further -it's there again now too. I hope you like that. ^^ I had to look the other up. Beautiful (and dirty) -and makes me ever aware of your teeth. But I had a feeling you were into that. So, once again, I apologize. But it is all confusing in such a manner. And I think it would probably be anyway.

August 12, 2008 9:22 PM


Im afraid my comment, the one you responded to, was directed to another. Im sorry.

Bellatrix said...

Well,well....good morning Mayo,SS and Family!



Mayo,beautiful post.And I love the bivalence of the title.

Anyway,it's always good to see you.Take care.



SS,hope you're alright.And don’t forget to smile! :)



Wendy,I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through lately.I'm thinking about you and your friends.
*BIG HUG*



Elena,congrats on finishing your story.That's awesome!



Jules,your story may be published?Oh,wow...that's great!I'm soooo happy for you!



Ergo,congrats to you as well!



Sister Midnite,Shame In Me,PP and Lewis,it's great see you!
*HUGS*



Right Lovelies,I'm off for now.
Hope to see you later.
Have a great day!
Love you all!
*HUGS & KISSES*

Anonymous said...

my ♥ will never get lost
it will never stray from its home

farawaysoclose said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
farawaysoclose said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

when wires are crossed, i will hang onto that, with all of mine.

♥♥

farawaysoclose said...

the 2 deletes were me fucking up!
well one was a fuck up, one was me correcting the fuck up and then i deleted them both!

sorry about that!


here we go again.....

morning mayo!!
well it's afternoon fom me!!

hope you are doing ok?
take care!
have a good day!

hey SS!
*big sigh*
it's been sooooooooo long!!

be good, take care, have fun!!

hey guys!

hi bella!
hi PP!
hi SIM....it's been a long time!

hello to everyone!!

wendy i am so so sorry for what you must be going through at the moment. such a dreadful tragedy. my thoughts truly are with you and the families of those young men.



there was something else i wanted to say but i've lost it??!

oh yep i remember!!

elena that last paragraph of your goodnight was lovely and very very true!

and i hope you don't mind but i am gonna bold it here cos it really is true!

Oh and one more thing. I was trying to read back and catch up with everything that happened here when I saw an anon comment that basically said poor old Mayo don’t get any love from the Lovelies anymore. That you post and we only spend a few minutes on it then go back to talking about ourselves. That’s not true, you know. You are the absent friend who is in our thoughts, always. Just because we don’t say the words I know you can feel the emotion. And if you ever need to hear them you need only ask.


later friends!

Anonymous said...

heart anon, you were the one who responded to mayo in the post where he deleted all comments. the bone for a book anon

Anonymous said...

I haven't caught up yet, but I just wanted to pop in and say hello. :)


You know how you get used to some things, and whatever those things are, you depend on them because you feel that, at that moment, there's not much of anything else to depend on?

Nearly four years, I developed this dependency, and it was the only thing that got me through that turnaround moment I mentioned yesterday. Four years.

And all of a sudden, I didn't have that anymore. I didn't have it for months. I didn't have the words that I had become so used to, the words that made sense, the ones no one else got but me. I claimed them as my own and from my own head, because I couldn't have said it any better.

But, they're back. Totally in a different frame of this epic masterpiece of a movie, but they're back. And you couldn't possibly fathom the twinkle in my eyes. :)

That's the way it's supposed to be. That's the way it was supposed to feel, and that's the legacy of all of this.

And that's where I want to be.

Anonymous said...

Death By Pumpkin Pie said...

Good morning everyone (it's 6:49 am). I have been in a funk lately but I feel great today.

I was thinking about a quirk/problem I have. When I talk to people I never look into their eyes. My gaze is directed somewhere around the lips but I am not really seeing those either. I can talk to someone and not even remember what they looked like. I do believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul and if I don't feel comfortable with you than why should I let you in. My windows are frosted glass. I can look at people in the eye when they aren't looking at me but then when they do, I look away.

Well a while back I met the owner of this wonderful blog. I was extremely uncomfortable but I forced myself to look eye to eye. To think that I almost blew that chance. I want to apologize for being so aloof.

Sorry, I am babbling.

Well I hope everyone has a great day!!! I'll pop in later. You guys are awesome and have been so sweet. Thank you :)

August 13, 2008 8:07 AM
Blogger ergoproxy said...

Anonymous said...

Of course, that's because MAYO IS GERARD YOU DUMB SHITS
MOST of you know that no matter how you try to hide it. It is NOT GV, she just tried to fuck the blog up to get attention and because she in love with Kapu and Sdick.

death myPumpkin Pie probaly has PROOF of Mayo being Gerard. Which because she is not a DUMB SHIT like most of every one here she doesn't try to LIE and hide it from every one else.

toujours said...

wow, why so angry 10:22?

here, have a lollipop and settle down, it's okay, it's okay, shhh, shhh...


good morning everyone. :)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
heart anon, you were the one who responded to mayo in the post where he deleted all comments. the bone for a book anon

August 13, 2008 9:47 AM


nope
that wasn't me or my ♥

Anonymous said...

I am angry because i'm SICK of how you all try to say its not Gerard. Tourjours YOU are the one who actually said the truth many times and now you deny it.... The new people are the only one's who DON'T lie.

Anonymous said...

if mayo is gerard he can kiss my grits

Anonymous said...

Pissable? OMG.

That was too freakin' funny.

Anyhoo....

Morning errbody! Morning Mayo! Morning SS!

It's raining again.

*yawn*

Makes me sleepy.

Later peeps! Have a good one!

Oh, and Sdick? That made me LOL. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

whatever 10:33 people lie all the time

Anonymous said...

Hahahaa you all try to hide it and a newb comes RIGHT OUT AND SAY'S IT!!!!

Anonymous said...

you know what i can't get? how do you know who you're talking to, if they're an anon? you could be talking to anyone, so i would stay chill

Death By Pumpkin Pie said...

Of course, that's because MAYO IS GERARD YOU DUMB SHITS
MOST of you know that no matter how you try to hide it. It is NOT GV, she just tried to fuck the blog up to get attention and because she in love with Kapu and Sdick.

death myPumpkin Pie probaly has PROOF of Mayo being Gerard. Which because she is not a DUMB SHIT like most of every one here she doesn't try to LIE and hide it from every one else.


Maybe I am interpreting you wrong in what you said, but please don't use me to insult the others.

Anonymous said...

yeh anon, GW loves to blog.
he has a hot wife and things to do with her

toujours said...

10:34, it's really not something you should be getting all worked up over. it will all work out, so please, relax, ok?

stop worrying about who mayo is in real life, stop worrying about what our theories are about his identity, and enjoy the blog for what it is.

*hugs*

*gives you extra lollipop*

Anonymous said...

hearty i don't get this. why can't you and other hearty, love on your own blogs?

Anonymous said...

Death by Pumpkin Pie why don't you explain what you meant by meeting the owner of this blog.

Death By Pumpkin Pie said...

anon 10:46,
Why are you pressing the issue. I have things to say just like you and everyone else. I don't expect to have them overly analyzed or used against other people. They are what they are.

I really hate this anon shit. Just sign your name or keep your half wit piehole shut when it come to me. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

See, this is exactly why I hate it when people come on here and say "OMG this is Gerard's blog!" or "I know who writes this blog!" and other such nonsense: Because the anons come creeping out and they attack a bunch of us.

Why? I suspect it might be because we've been here for a long time and they feel as if we're in on something they are not. When in fact most of us are just as in the dark as we were when this blog started.

I have been here since day frigging one and even if, for a few weeks before December, I entertained the idea that it might be Gerard Way, the actuality of that seems very slim anymore.

Specifically--other aspects aside--Gerard Way wouldn't bother talking to me, when Mayo actually has. Gerard Way probably wouldn't even allow someone like me on his web site. I am a woman, a feminist, I have opinions (that don't come from his wife's ass, that do not require being written in sharpie, and which do not require me to moan them for him.) I'm an activist and I'm into animal rights.

Gerard Way and someone like me would be at total odds. Whereas Mayo and I actually talk, rare though that is.

I think that a lot of anons have a problem with me because I suspect many of them are Gerard fangirls and they don't like the fact that I am not a fan of his. Or, alternately, they believe that Mayo is Gerard and they don't like the fact that I talk to him.

Well, many anons have pointed out, in many ugly terms, that they hate the fact that I talk to Mayo.

Death By Pumpkin Pie, you probably got a link to here from the MRC rumor control page or something, or perhaps--this is the scenario that seems to happen the most--a friend of yours told you that this was Gerard Way's blog.

Well, believe what you want: I have been here from September 4th of last year (when I checked Mayo's anonymous comment at LM's) and I can tell you that my opinion as someone who has come here nearly every day for almost a year, that there is very little chance of this blog belonging to Gerard, or even of him lurking here. As far as anything is possible, like, on a quantum theory level, it's possible. But extremely unlikely.

However if you have met Mayo and you know it's not Gerard, well, whatever. You're a step ahead of me, anyway.

Every damn time someone comes on here saying that they know who Mayo is, somehow a bunch of us old-timers get attacked, when we're the ones who admit to knowing absolutely dick.

Anonymous said...

I don't expect to have them overly analyzed or used against other people.


LMAO! Yeah well, welcome to BlogBelieve. :/

Anonymous said...

you really do think it's him

Anonymous said...

Kapunua said....

blah blah blah MAYO TALKS TO ME blah blah blah ITS NOT GERARD STOP SAYING blah blah blah.......

you are so hard to read because your post are so long and pointless


AND you do still think it'sGerard maybe THAT is why you get so mad when someone knew says the thing you already think.

Anonymous said...

hey if this is GW, do you think Lynz know about it?

Anonymous said...

kapunua.... think about it. GV knew that you like Mayo and got along with him. Sdock too. And she loved you two more than any other bloggers. When she said that she was Mayo...It was to get the attention of you two. She thought that by claiming to be Mayo she might... Get your love the way she loved you.

Believe me there is no way Mayo is GV. It probably IS Gerard and the new people have it right.

Anonymous said...

11:03 the heart anons could be him and Lynz
GerZ 4ever!

toujours said...

hey there kapunua, how's it going?

Anonymous said...

Death by pumpkin Pie.... you don't even know the can of worms you just opened.

Anonymous said...

anon there is no way this is GW, if it was, every single post would be about his wife. omg he even wore her face on his jacket at comic con.

Anonymous said...

ZOMG!!!! does LynZ come on the blog too???

Anonymous said...

anon

i think GW puts his true feelings on the blog. plus if he did all that lovey dovey sharpie shit on the blog, he would give himself away.

Anonymous said...

11:12, oh man, tell me that really isn't true. Please?

Hey TJ! I'm good, just cleaning bird cages, feeding babies and such. Havoc is walking around on my kitchen floor playing with a big plastic ring. I gotta bake more bird cake today.

It's a sunny, breezy day and it's making me feel like I'm living in an anime. ^_^

How about you, TJ? Nice morning?

Anonymous said...

in one of Mayo's posts, he basically says no one else knows about the blog.

Anonymous said...

hate to break it to you K, but it's true. looks like he needs her 24/7

Anonymous said...

K why do you care if Gerard / Carmine / Mayo has a picture of his wife on his jacket?? Sounds like you care more than you say you do.....

Anonymous said...

everytime i see a heart now im gonna think of him & Lynz

Anonymous said...

Gerard only had little pins with her pic on them on his jacket. it's not like he had a huge patch on his jacket with her pic on it.

Anonymous said...

lol Kapu you try to hard to keep the blog and Mayo/Gerard to yourself and then a newbie comes and fucks it up for you!!! In one comment!!! Hahahaa classic!

Anonymous said...

anon if he lives with her and she was there, why would he need her mug shot on his chest?

toujours said...

it's not too bad! just the teeniest bit frustrating because i am having the worst luck finding a place to stay once i get back to seattle, and i don't really want to head back until i know where i'm sleeping when i get there, you know?

*grr*

but i've got my coffee, got my music, gonna maybe start a new drawing today...

could be worse!

oh, hey -- can you email the prep details for your bird cake? my mom doesn't like to experiment much, but is very good at following recipes. :)

Anonymous said...

11:22 i bet that's next

Anonymous said...

anon,


it's called supporting your wife.

Anonymous said...

mayo

Anonymous said...

is

Anonymous said...

gerard

Anonymous said...

gerard

Anonymous said...

is

Anonymous said...

mayo

Anonymous said...

mayo is gerard!

Anonymous said...

i really love my husband, but i wouldn't wear his face on my chest. i think there are better ways of support.

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